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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate. Session tonight took a lot out of me. I didn't feel so

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Hey Kate. Session tonight took a lot out of me. I didn't feel so upset when I got there. I told her it hadn't been a great week and I told her what I had been thinking through and feeling. She said that she thought the whole distinction between the embarrassment/humiliation/shame and fault was a really good step. I talked to her about some of the same things you and I have been discussing the past few days. And we talked about how I was embarrassed because of all she knew. She asked what she could do to make me feel less embarrassed and to make me realize how she really feels. I told her that I didn't feel like she was judging me for what I did - she has made that clear and I believe her. But she knows all these really personal and humiliating things about me. We also talked about the lack of control, how thing seem more real, etc. I got pretty upset. I told her sometimes I feel like i want to die (but i don't feel suicidal). She said her initial feeling is to want to rescue me from these feelings, but she felt I needed to experience these feelings. She stopped and prayed and asked God to let me feel as much as I needed but to let me know when it was getting too much. It was a long prayer. I think she was struggling as to what to do to help me. It was a good session, though. She said a lot of the same things you did. She also said that she didn't want me to get upset to the level of a 10 or something, but she doesn't know how I could talk about some of these issues and not get to that point.
I was trying to explainto her how it felt when I had no control at all, like when I couldn't even change positions or double over when he used the bottle. But she hadn't experienced any of the examples I was trying to use. It was getting late and I didn't feel like crying anymore for tonight because I wanted to calm down. But I told her I felt like I needed to release some of this and we agreed to just try to cry and let some of it out Thursday. I told her "of course, I won't be upset now that we've planned it.". She said "I'll make you" and went on to say that she wants us to try to break down what is making me feel embarrassed/ashamed/humiliated - that I was such a big feeling and we should break it down.
She said the r*** word tonight and I had like a physical reaction. Weird.
Overall, a productive session, I think. I felt good discussing this stuff more. But it really really helped that you and I had already gone through it. I could focus more.
But now I am exhausted. This feeling stuff is not for wimps :) I'm seriously spent.
I called dr m today because I was supposed to follow up with her after I was using the bipap for 3-5 weeks. I left her a message telling her that the sleep stuff was all helping. And that it was helping me focus a little better. But I asked her if I could try a stimulant for the ADHD instead of the Wellbutrin, but I want to stay on the Zoloft for now and asked if I could up it a bit. I told her it has been a miserable few months and I didn't expect this to take this long. She called me back, but I was on my office phone and she didn't leave a message. Hopefully she will call back tomorrow. I would like to try the Ritalin or adderall. We'll see what she says.
Well, I'm going to try to take a bath and relax if I can. I just felt like I wanted to tell you how my session went.
I hope you had a good night!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 5 years ago.
Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic. I sent your requested Professional a message to follow up with you here, when they are back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.


It does sound like it was a good session! I'm glad it went well. You are right, facing your feelings is not for wimps. I always thought that people who chose to go through therapy are some of the strongest people I know.

It's ok that you feel like you want to die. It is common to feel that way when things get overwhelming. And it's particularly strong when you are facing something like what you went through. It is not easy to look at your attack, feel the emotions that went with it and have to share it with others. All of the feelings associated with sharing this are intense. And it is ok to feel like you want to die, as long as you don't feel you want to hurt yourself. Wanting to die is wanting to escape your feelings and rest from all the stress. It's a way to escape and get peace. Being suicidal is turning feelings onto yourself and being in so much pain you don't see a way out. And I don't believe you feel that way. You are working towards feeling better and you know that one day you will.

Linda may have felt stuck in how to help you with what you feel and might just need some time to think it through. It was good for her to pray with you though. Sometimes asking God for help is the best solution. And I'm sure Linda will take time to work on the issue before she sees you again.

What kind of reaction did you have when Linda said the r word?

I think your reaction might have been about facing what happened. Categorizing your attack as something other than the r word helps you distance yourself from the reality of what happened. It creates a kind of barrier so it seems less intense. But by acknowledging what the attack really was and facing your feelings about the attackers, it helps you face your own feelings and work through them. But only you can say when you feel ready to do that.

I hope your night went well. If you hear back from Dr. M, let me know what she does about your medication.


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
No. I'm not wanting or planning to hurt myself or kill myself. At all. Linda said the same thing about it that you did - about wanting to not feel this way anymore. I was glad she prayed. In thinking about it, I think that she was trying to make me more secure and calm, since she had just told me she didn't think she should "rescue" me and that I needed to feel these feelings. I think she thought it woul help me know that my feelings won't get out of control or hurt me. I think she was struggling a bit because she wanted to help me feel better but didn't think that was best in the long run. I appreciate that she finds it difficult to sit there and watch me suffer. I think it shows compassion.
I didn't have a huge reaction when she used the r word - but I kind of winced and shuddered and we just kind of looked at each other. She uses the word all the time, but usually not when she's talking about me. She used it a number of times after that, because she was talking about an assault in a small town in NM. This weekend. She spends a lot of time there and her younger daughter lives there. The woman was stabbed and assaulted and stuff. They caught the man. She used the r word several times there and it didn't bother me so much. It did kind o bother me when she was saying she had been there this weekend and it was cold and why did he have to stab her and leave her in a ditch. That kind of bothered me. I have never like to use that word, but I became able to use it a few weeks ago for a short time. Remember?
Even before I had that reaction, when I was telling Linda I was feeling more "violated," we were talking about how I wasn't sure I liked that word because it was used so broadly sometimes. She went off on a whole thing about how what I went through was actually "torture" - that's when we were talking about them having total control and I was trying to explain what it felt like. But I think that word is a bit over dramatic.
As I said, though, I felt good about the session and felt like Linda did what I needed (except a few times when it seemed like she was trying to just say something trying to help, but silence would have been better). And I think that maybe we can make some good progress on Thursday. I agree that it might help to break some of the feelings down. It's that methodical approach I might need.
I think it made her feel bad that I am embarassed having told her all these things. I told her I wasn't sure she understood how hard it is sometimes for me to go in there and face her when she knows all these things. I'm not trying to make her feel bad, but I need he to know.
I had nightmares last night. P woke me up early this morning from one. She told me later that I wasn't really making any noise, but she was coming to close my door so she didn't wake me up and I was just shuddering and shaking. Weird. Oh well.
I do hope dr m calls today. I didn't want to act all dramatic or anything by telling her I had been miserable. But I am miserable. And I want it to stop. I am so tired. :/
How are you? Sleep well?
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

I do agree with Linda. Sitting with your feelings for a while is a good idea. It can help you see that they will not hurt you, even if they do feel bad.

Taking this slow is good too. The more you speed through your emotions, the more you will miss. And you don't want to have to come back to it more than you have to.

It can't be easy to hear about other assaults, like the one Linda heard about in the small town in NM. I imagine that Linda might use the r word to help you get used to it. But it may also help you to explore why that word in particular means more to you than another word to describe what you went through.

Yes, she does need to know that you feel embarrassed about facing her. It's an important part of your recovery because it shows how you feel others perceive you as a result of the attack.

I'm sorry you had nightmares last night. I suspect it is because of what you have been talking about in the last few days. It's going to work itself out at night too until you get assimilated to how you feel.

I slept ok, thanks!

Talk to you soon,


TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5820
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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