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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate: Well, as you know, I DID bury it for a time. A very

Resolved Question:

Well, as you know, I DID bury it for a long time. A very long time. just not in drugs and alcohol. If I hadn't been pretty good at burying things, I may have turned to that. You never know. I thank the Lord I didn't have to find out. I abused alcohol so much when I was in high school and college -- I am so thankful that I apparently do not have a predisposition for alcohol dependency. But if I had used it for years and years as my only way to cope with this, I think I would be in some big trouble. I can't imagine having to deal with an addiction along with all this.
Vulnerability-wise, I feel the same as I did after that conversation with Dr. M - about the medical stuff, when it became more real to me. I have felt that it was more real since then, but I think not as much. Now I’m back to that point. Also, the acceptance or attempt to accept that maybe I am not to blame has come before. I don’t know if you remember, but I kind of had a similar realization a few months ago. But I guess it didn’t “take.” Am I going to keep going around n a circle - revisiting the same realizations? How do I make it “stick” if I can, or at least move forward with it, without totally going back to where I was before? Do you understand what I am saying/asking?
As far as the embarrassment and shame — I mean, you and Linda and P (because I let her read what I had written out for Linda) know most of the not-so-great details. It WAS humiliating, and it is embarrassing to have anyone else know about it. I get so flushed and ashamed when I think about the fact that am sitting there with Linda, or talking to you, who know details of my having sex with these guys, know I laid there or whatever for a few hours mostly undressed, know that I swallowed urine and gave him oral sex, know abut the anal sex, know about what I did and said (even if you guys don’t blame me for doing/saying those things), and mostly - know about the bottle . That’s a lot of personal and embarrassing stuff, and it sort of goes into the “TMI” category, probably. Nobody wants people to see them in that light. It struck me a while ago - when Linda asked me to bring pictures of myself from college — I panicked later that she had wanted to see them so she could better visualize the whole thing. I was mortified. But it passed. I knew even at the time it was happening that I didn’t want anybody coming upon that scene and seeing that – even if it meant they might help.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.


You will not go in circles with the realizations. What sometimes happens is you see a piece of the insight, just a little bit. It comes to you that way because at the time, that is all your mind can cope with. As you work deeper into your issue, the piece gets bigger and bigger until the whole thing is revealed. It is too difficult for your brain to absorb all of what you feel at once, and that is ok. It's a defense to protect yourself from too much at once. You will never go back to not seeing these insights unless you make a big effort to cover them up again. Even then, it's like an elephant in the room.

You do have to reveal a lot of very personal things when you work out an assault like you suffered through. And it can be embarrassing. You are telling people you don't really know personal things about something that most people have the privilege to keep to themselves. But because of what those guys did, you have to share intimate details about yourself in order to get better.

Although it doesn't change that you have to share what happened to you, it may help to know that not only do therapists keep all things you say confidential, we also don't see it the same as you do. We are not looking for the details of your attack because we get a personal thrill out of it (which is a very unhealthy reaction in the first place) but because we are seeing it from your perspective, seeking to understand how you feel, your reaction to the attack and how we can help you find peace and cope better with what you went through. Therapists hear so many personal stories that involve private details that most of us don't react like anyone else would. It's like asking your ob/gyn if they get something out of seeing their 1:00 appointment. To them, they are looking for disease, disorder and the overall health of the patient, not what the person looks like without their clothes on.


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