Mental Health

Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Mental Health

Kate: Interesting article. Thanks. First, I wanted to

Customer Question
Kate: Interesting article. Thanks. First, I...
Kate:
Interesting article. Thanks.
First, I wanted to clarify – I didn’t mean I had something n common with them because of childhood stuff — I meant: did they have people do to them things similar to what they were doing to me. Did we have that in common?
Second, what I was saying about the forgiving them is that I thought I had before. But it was easy, because I didn’t think about how I felt about what they did. I now don’t think I have really forgiven them (like Linda said), and I don’t think I am there yet. I’m not even really close. I am getting angrier and angrier at them. And it was pointless. They didn’t need to do that stuff.
Third, you are right – I can’t imagine C or my brother or any man I know now even just standing there while the mean one did what he was doing – even if they didn’t hold me down or have sex with me. When I look at it that way, it seems very abnormal and wrong, whereas if I compare him with the mean one, he seems kind of nice. But on the other hand, don’t I owe the other one something? He may have saved my life. And he could have made things even worse for me, but didn’t.
Fourth, thanks for explaining the terminology. But — since I agreed to let him do that and even asked for it and even got into “position,” so to speak, would I call it anal sex or sodomy? And do you think it was a reasonable thought I had at the time that he might do that with the bottle if I didn’t cooperate, even tough he didn’t say that? Dr. M said that probably would have killed me. She showed me where some major arteries and organs are.
Fifth, know I shouldn’t waste my time trying to figure out what’s wrong with them. And it will be fruitless. But I am trying to convince myself there is something wrong with them and not me.
Here’s what I’m kind of stuck on: I do think I am valuable. I thought I had value before then. Lots. But during that time, I seemed to have no independent value. Even though there were times during it that I made choices, I feel like for much of the time, every little thing: whether I was cut or not, whether I would have sex with them, whether I lived or died, whether I could even move – was 100% dictated by them. I was totally theirs to do with as they wanted. Like they owned me. I wasn’t even allowed to hold my stomach or double over when they used the bottle or to try to get any relief. So - how could I be treated and controlled and dominated like that and still have separate value? I know I got it back - most of it - and I will get it all back. But it is frightening to think I can just be taken and used by someone without any say-so by me. That I can be reduced to nothing in less than an hour. Hours before, I had everything, and a few hours later, I was in a position of appreciating the other one having sex with me because it was better than the alternative. I can’t make it fit. Can that happen to anyone? Whenever??
S
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Mental Health
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Answered in 36 minutes by:
5/7/2012
Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 5 years ago
TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Verified

Shay,

They may have been abused as children like what they did to you. But even if they were raped, they were men and not women. Big difference. And they had a choice in how they responded to that. Many boys are abused horribly and do not grow up to attack women.

Why would you owe the nice one anything? He was there, it's as simple as that. He participated. It's not a contest to see who could be meaner. And the law would see them both the same way equally guilty. Maybe he did prevent you from being killed, but so what? He could have stopped the whole thing too or just not been there at all to help you get attacked. It could be seen either way.

What was done to you was sodomy. No question about it. Would you have been there given the choice? I understand your feeling that you "chose" to "let" them. But a choice between two non choice options is not a choice. You would have chosen to not be there if you were allowed a real choice based on what you felt.

Anyone who has ever been attacked or abused has had someone control them. They feel their value was reduced and that they had no choice. It is a natural response to an abnormal situation. And you can acknowledge that for a while, they did have control. But they do not have your value unless you give it to them. You are still just as worthy now as you were the moment before the attack. Maybe more so since you lived through such a horrible thing then not only went on with your life but sought help for it as well. It is a strength they will never have. And in God's eyes, you are very valuable and always will be.

Kate

TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Verified
TherapistMarryAnn and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Customer reply replied 5 years ago

Kate:

Remember for a time when I could say the r*** word okay? Why am I having trouble with it now again? it is making me cringe when you ise it and also when I read this article that I will link to below.

Your explanations make sense. But my chest is feeling all tight and I am feeling upset. Why? I keep scrunching my eyes shut and turning my head when I think about things or when I was reading your Answer. I don't know why. It's weird. I feel weird.

Could youdo me a favor and look at this article when you have a minute and let me know what you think? it's not long.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dsm5-in-distress/201104/most-rapists-are-not-sadists

Thanks.

S

Customer reply replied 5 years ago
http://www.forensicpsychiatry.ca/sex/sadrape.htm
Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Do you really believe I had no choice? I know you have to say that, regardless. I am trusting you. I don't want you to be secretly believng I am a slut. (or I guess, more accurately - a whore - since I did it in exchange for something). I need to feel like I didn't help them do this to me. I feel like I can't b eangry with them like I am without being angry with myself for my part. I need to know what I did was okay. I feel a little panicky about it right now.
Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 5 years ago

It's ok to feel upset, Shay. What is probably is making you feel this way is confronting some of your true feelings about the attack. You are trying to see yourself as not at fault, and if you weren't, what would that mean to you? It might mean that this was what it was, an attack on you, pure and simple. You were deeply hurt by these guys and that reaches you into your core. It's very painful and hard to face.

I read the article and see this doctor's point. But I don't necessarily agree. It's apples and oranges. While rape may not be considered a mental health disorder itself, the person that perpetrates it is not a mentally healthy individual living a normal life. There is something wrong with him. For the sake of the court system, I can see what the point of the article is. But within mental health, being a rapist is not a sign of good emotional health.

What was done to you was done by Sexual Sadist perpetrators. They needed to hurt you badly to get their thrill. They fit the description perfectly. And it is criminal behavior along with being very emotionally sick.

How does this article make you feel? That did you think of it?

I really believe you had no choice. I have never thought differently. If you had agreed to this and got money for it, then it may be considered prostitution. But you did not agree with this or get money for it. There was nothing you got in exchange except your life. And who voluntarily bargains for their own life?

Being angry with them without being angry towards yourself is something you learned as a child. This was not your fault, no matter how many times your parents tried to convince you that everything is your fault, no matter what. They were wrong, and those guys were wrong. They both did wrong things to you.

Try taking a deep breath and calming yourself. You are safe now. No one is going to hurt you. And you have lived through this already so it cannot get worse. Keep repeating that until you feel better. You are ok. I'm here if you need me.

Kate

TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Verified
TherapistMarryAnn and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask TherapistMarryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
5,896 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

TherapistMarryAnn is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much

Corrie MollPretoria, South Africa

I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well!

ClaudiaAlbuquerque, NM

Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion.

KevinBeaverton, OR

Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
I feel better already! Thank you.

ElanorTracy, CA

Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem.

JulieLockesburg, AR

You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions.

John and StefanieTucson, AZ

I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!!

Janet VPhoenix, AZ

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Dr. Keane

Dr. Keane

Therapist

1,379 satisfied customers

Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.

TherapistMarryAnn

TherapistMarryAnn

Therapist

5,896 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

Dr. Olsen

Dr. Olsen

Psychologist

2,336 satisfied customers

PsyD Psychologist

Norman M.

Norman M.

Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA

2,246 satisfied customers

ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.

Dr. Michael

Dr. Michael

Psychologist

2,177 satisfied customers

Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.

Steven Olsen

Steven Olsen

Therapist

1,728 satisfied customers

More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education

Anna

Anna

Mental Health Professional

1,656 satisfied customers

Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.

< Previous | Next >

Related Mental Health Questions
My ex did gay porn but swears he's not gay.. he's so back
My ex did gay porn but swears he's not gay.. he's so back and forth with me.. he was addicted to oxy I love him but he's so closed off… read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
204 satisfied customers
I keep thinking about what I did when I was younger, when I
I keep thinking about what I did when I was younger, when I was about 6 I remeber like kissing almost making out with my two sisters, they were 5 and 4 then later when I was about 14-15 I developed la… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
794 satisfied customers
I am having terrible guilt and shame about things I did in
I am having terrible guilt and shame about things I did in my past which have suddenly come to my consciousness - when I was about 16 I was extremely sexual and ended up sniffing knickers on a number … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
768 satisfied customers
Leah,I had a question I did get to mention yesterday..the
Hi Leah,I had a question I did get to mention yesterday..the thread was getting a bit to long anyway lol… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
768 satisfied customers
I did ask a male professional earlier about my problem, but
I did ask a male professional earlier about my problem, but it would be great to get a female psychologists view also. My husband and I have not had sex in 6 years. He had a mild stroke 5 years ago, b… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
794 satisfied customers
My husband call me a, he did it today. I told him under no
My husband call me a bitch, he did it today. I told him under no circumstances do you have the right to call a woman a bitch. He also tells me that I am miserable. Everytime he starts a fight. … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
768 satisfied customers
Its kind of imbarrising.. I did realize I could chat to some
its kind of imbarrising.. I did realize I could chat to some one on here … read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
My doctor switched me from sertraline to viibryd. I did one
My doctor switched me from sertraline to viibryd. I did one week of 10 mg, then 2 weeks of 20 mg, now back to 10mg so I can switch back to sertraline. I don't like viibryd. How can I safely switch bac… read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
204 satisfied customers
Dear Dr. Keane, just a quick message to say that I did not
Dear Dr. Keane, just a quick message to say that I did not get that job, enough time has passed by to now know this. I've plenty to say, but not plenty of time this week as my gran is now visiting, so… read more
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane
Therapist
Doctoral Degree
1,379 satisfied customers
I have a friend who says she has DID but she doesn't meet
I have a friend who says she has DID but she doesn't meet the criteria. Her alters are dead people. Mostly characters from Movies or Musicals like Phantom of the Opera. Would this behavior be a sympto… read more
llw26
llw26
Private Practice
Doctoral Degree
11 satisfied customers
Why some people get angry if other people point out they did
Why some people get angry if other people point out they did wrong things? I would think when people know they did wrong things they should feel sorry and try to correct. Thanks.… read more
llw26
llw26
Private Practice
Doctoral Degree
11 satisfied customers
Dear Dr. Keane, I did what you suggested about my dad.
Dear Dr. Keane,I did what you suggested about my dad. Actually, I spoke to my mum too and she's right, it just is not his kind of thing, to get support. You were right, when I initially brought up the… read more
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane
Therapist
Doctoral Degree
1,379 satisfied customers
Thank you. I did download a book about a little boy with
Thank you. I did download a book about a little boy with autism, from the perspective of an autistic child, but it turned out to be 64 pages long and just a little too grown up -- even though it menti… read more
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark
Doctoral Degree
129 satisfied customers
My husband lied to me about his. He did cheat on his ex-wife
My husband lied to me about his. He did cheat on his ex-wife after all. Now he says I am sticking my nose into his business. … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
768 satisfied customers
My wife and I did some role reversal consisting of her being
My wife and I did some role reversal consisting of her being dominant. Domestic discipline and domination. SometiMrs she makes me wear panties. I find embarrassing but arousing too. The whole mentalk … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
768 satisfied customers
Have DID. totally dissociated for the first time the other
have DID. totally dissociated for the first time the other day in therapy and embarrassed self. now terrified to face therapist again. any ideas how to calm anxiety and face therapist?… read more
TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn
Therapist
5,896 satisfied customers
I've been having serious guilt over something I did in the
I've been having serious guilt over something I did in the past. It all triggered when I saw a kid that used to live on my street. I'm 18 now. At the time of incident I was about 11/12 and the kid was… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
794 satisfied customers
I did a no no and tried to look up articles about what I
I did a no no and tried to look up articles about what I have and how pure O can sometimes be misdiagnosed as pedophila! Well I read a comment where one person says even if they've had these thoughts … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
768 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x