I have worked hard this morning so that I can rest and chat this afternoon, but I am very sore so have overdone it some! Never mind, worth it to be free for a while. I have steeled myself to sit in the lounge, in a corner that I used to like sitting in. I have cleaned in here, it is fresh and bright. I am covered in dogs! I don't know how long I can stay here, but I feel comfortable at the moment, and it is totally quiet, which helps a lot.
I was very anxious anticipating D's 'talk' on Wednesday. I was trying to think what he could want. He had worked with Mark on the Tuesday, and after my session with K, on my way to bed, just as something to say bc I felt I should say something, I asked him if he was working with Mark again the following day. He answered no, then asked me about the talk. All I could think of after that was that he wanted to talk to me about Mark, that Mark had told him that he was leaving his wife, and that that was why I wanted to separate from D. That there would be 20 questions, accusations, and assumptions. I did
feel anxious, but I had nothing to hide, and I have honestly not shared anything with Mark about my plans, and I have done my best to be evasive (politely so).
I was prepared to have a discussion with D about whatever he wanted to talk about. I wasn't prepared to learn that he had been listening to my whole session with K. When he mentioned that I'd had a row with poppy, and that I hadn't had my pills, I couldn't decide how he knew, I'd picked Poppy up from her bf's, and unless he'd specifically asked her about it she wouldn't have mentioned it bc we had made up. So I looked at him in surprise. Then he said and who is Adele? I realised there was only one way that he could have known about her, but it only dawned on me after I asked hurriedly and protectively how did he know about her. So then I said you've been listening at my door. My fight for this discussion immediately left me and I hung my head in defeat, accepted everything he said to me without comment, until he finished, and asked if I'd heard him. I felt he was trying to trap me again, he said he realised how sick I am, that I am really affected by my meds, that I can't cope without them, and how can he think of leaving the kids with me. He had heard how upset I was when I was talking to K about my row with Poppy, he heard all my raw emotions that I don't let him see.
I felt like he was insidiously crawling into every corner of me, cutting my freedom down little by little, that he is trying to convince me that I won't cope without him, I need HIM to realise my dreams, there is no other way. If I don't have him I will be cold and lonely, no friends, kids left home, parents dead, what will I have left if I haven't got him. I have cut myself off from everyone, I don't go anywhere, do anything, I need to get out with him, enjoy his company and that of his friends, his music, I need him for my future, what will my future be like without him? I am sick, but I shouldn't be taking antidepressants. People commit suicide on antidepressants.
He says he can't leave, can't leave the dogs, the barn, he's getting it sorted, it's what I want. He's been a fool, he realises that. He tells me 'Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.' I am silent. He asks if I have heard him. I say of course. He has finished. I can go, shut my bedroom door and try to warm me up, comfort me. I feel he has taken something else from me, my time with K, and now I have no choice, I either stop seeing her, or I go to my parents house. I can't go to the cottage next door anymore bc it is let for holidays as of tomorrow, and I can't risk a broken window. (I do wish I'd called the police that night). For years and years he has been out on a Tuesday evening, the reason why we chose that evening, but now he seems to be staying home, maybe to check up on me..
I was really shocked that he'd heard what I was saying, unguarded as I was, but I thought I was safe bc I was playing my music. My door was ajar I admit, bc the dogs come and go, and I'd have to keep jumping up to let them in or out. But being ajar doesn't make much difference bc there is a foot-square hole above the door, which D wanted to put a window in, but never has (something else that he wanted, that I was against, but had to be his way). I also felt terrible that he had heard stuff that would upset him, like Dr H saying yes she thought it best if he goes.
My whole day was up-ended and I was in chaos in my head, it took me the whole day to put it in some sort of order, and I had several email exchanges with K. D expressly asked me NOT to talk to K about it, but I didn't agree to it.
I've managed an hour in the lounge and feel OK, but now I need my room and a rest.
I'll be back in a while to tell you about yesterday......