You're right Kate,
I will feel stronger a less stressed when D is out of my life, I know that he is why I feel as I do. I will nurse again, but now I need to forget about it and not worry til the time comes.
Sam has just asked me to take Poppy somewhere, then come back, and take him and some friends somewhere. I didn't say I wouldn't, but I didn't jump up and down with enthusiasm. He said don't worry, I'll ask Dad (who isn't here at the moment, and may well be at the pub, who knows). I said no it's OK, I'll take you, I like taking you places, he said you didn't look like you really wanted to. I struggled not to cry, am now, he noticed and asked me what's wrong. I didn't know really, couldn't tell him why, he asked me again, but I said nothing. He was upset with me for not telling him. I think I felt upset that he wanted to ask D. Sometimes I don't understand why I have the feelings I do.
The woman described in the news report was amazing. A year on she is living independently, caring for her 2 young children. She says she feels as she has survived this last year, she can survive anything. It is described as the worst case of abuse that any woman has survived. She had been abused by him many times in their relationship, but had not sought help from anyone. He was the last sight that she ever saw. He hadn't been drinking, nor using drugs, nor was apparently mentally ill.
As I was watching the interview after the report, as the Woman's Refuge Rep was talking, I saw the volume control appear on the screen, and it became a few bars quieter. I was initially puzzled, but then I realised he didn't want me to hear what she was saying. I could have demanded he turn it up, but I didn't want to draw attention to myself, I just really hoped I'd be able to see it again.
I was surprised, but I realise I am learning new things about D all the time. I wonder if he ever thought that his behaviour was abusive, until it was pointed out to him in his lawyer letter. I felt very unsettled being around him last night, I think my anxiety
and confusion was bc of how I felt about the news report, and how he acted. I felt he was trying to prevent me from gaining information that could/would help me feel safer, and help me to move forward.
When I checked out the DVAS website (local) I read all the 'team's' little write-ups about themselves, and saw their pictures. There are 4 outreach workers, and of those, I chose Ziggy, hoping she would be my worker. She has black hair with red streaks at the front!! She has a background in psychology, and is a qualified lifecoach. Ziggy says- “I’ve never had a job that’s both so challenging and rewarding in such a dynamic way, empowering people to have the life they choose for themselves!" Way to go Ziggy. I'm excited that she chose me.
I'm feeling under the weather with this virus thing. I know I have little fight for things like this. I guess I'd better rest a while.