replied 5 years ago.
Thank you. My session with Adele was so difficult, I was really muddled and very anxious. I tried to tell her about the email problem, she hadn't seen her colleague whom I spoke to this morning, so she didn't know if the issue. I showed her the message that I was getting with the return of her email, and she was quite puzzled. She then read the long email I had written, which was much of what I have told you over the past week. It was long, and I felt embarrassed that she was reading it with me there. I couldn't stop the tears, they were silently streaming down my face as she read, and I know she saw I was shaking bc I had to deal with a pop-up as she was reading.
I was grateful that she spent a long time talking to me about things that I can barely remember now, but she was making things clearer to me, things were slowly dawning on me, that he has been cared for like a YOUNG teenager, that he has gone out to work when he had work (I always picked up the slack bc I could work as many hours as I wanted), and that was it, no other work for the business, the rest of whatever he did he did if he wanted, not bc he had to, no responsibilities, none. I felt ashamed that I had allowed a marriage like this; she said he's a baby, you've hidden it haven't you, kept it secret? Yes, and I could hardly believe how stupid I'd been. How could I have been such a fool. I don't know.
We talked (she talked) about how I should/should not interact with D, that I'd be better not bringing up him leaving again, I know what his response will be, I should just get the lawyer going (I wish!). I said that it had been me broaching the subject, bc I wanted to be assertive, and make him realise that I mean it, and I'm not going to back down. She told me to imagine a shield around me ( as you have too), and not let any of his comebacks get through to me. I have a choice, I know what I want, the alternative isn't livable with. And she talked about Charlie Chaplin, who made a silent movie about Hitler, portraying him as a small and comical character who could be laughed at. We talked about D 'waggling' his head as he was talking to me, when I imitated him, and she said to try to think of D as comical, and imagine him small and distant (like the Wizard of Oz), and not up close and in my face.
She talked about all the different stages of emotions that people go through with life changing situations (Seven Stepping Stones to Adjust when Change Brings Loss.... shock, denial, anger, etc) I'd told Adele that D was shocked when I gave him the letter, and when I have tried to tell him the truth, and now I guess he's in denial. Maybe I've gone through all the stages, and now I'm on the last one- acceptance-, she has given me some info to read.
And she asked me to talk to D in an empty chair, tell him I don't want to listen, tell him it won't make any difference, tell him there is no room for manoeuvre, just as you said to (broken record!) But I couldn't talk to him, I had no darn words today, I felt like an idiot, tongue tied, nodding, smiling, but very few words, and what I did have were all mixed up. And I had my rabbit, I feel silly with it, but I need something to touch, something to do with my hands, to try to hide my anxiousness.
She gave me a hug before I left, said I'm doing fine. I sat in my car a cried a while, I felt I'd failed my therapy and I wanted to go back a do it again, try harder, not seem so weak and messed up. I felt like I was someone who had no substance, no wits, no integrity, just a shell with nothing in it. Pathetic. I felt like I wanted to go back tomorrow, I can't wait a whole week to prove myself.
I'm still feeling really low, I know I shouldn't stay in my room so much, but I feel comforted here. I haven't sat in the lounge since Christmas. I'd like to sit there again, maybe of a morning when D is out. I might try it tomorrow, I feel I need to condition myself again, the thought of sitting there makes me feel anxious, uncomfortable, I know it's bc he sits there so much, in all the chairs, there isn't one that I can choose now as I think about it.
D is out. The kids are OK. Sam is upset with himself though, with his lack of discipline with his studies when I'm not around, he said just my presence makes all the difference. He doesn't think his Concerta are really helping him. He should have seen his Psych yesterday, but I couldn't make the appointment, and he didn't want to go without me.
Back before lights out....