Kate: I didn't sleep great. No nightmares
, I just didn't sleep much.
I know I thought I wasn't feeling much yesterday. I knew they were hanging there, that something was. But once I started thinking about them, I felt a lot. Having feelings under the surface now seems to be totally different than when I used to be able to bury them. I guess that I ultimately a good thing?
I understand what you say about them. It sounds so "jr. High" for them to be doing this to make themselves feel superior. Really. It's what mean, insecure 7th grade girls do. But to that extent?? And don't they realize that feeling of superiority won't last? You say they are ill, but what is wrong with them? And is it both of them or just the mean one? I feel like they are kind of in 2 different categories. Am I right about that or wrong? How did
the mean one end up that way? Was he born with some of it? Is it because he went through awful things? A combination? Do he and I have something in common that way? (but I imagine he had to have gone through some pretty long-lasting abuse). Did that make him feel better for a short time or did he just think it would? It really upsets me that, as you said, if he's not dead or hasn't been caught, he is probably still doing it. I feel bad for those who came after me. Really bad. I'm so sorry.
I know I should feel bad for what those guys probably went through to make them (or really just him) that way. I can sympathize when I think about it separately, but when I think about it in conjunction with that night, I don't. I just can't. I try. Maybe I will be able to someday, but I can't right now.
And I don't understand how the sex plays into what they needed to do to feel better. I do understand your explanation of them using it as a tool. And they had to have known that would be a particularly devastating way to hurt, right? But how did they become sexually aroused by it? Does that in itself just get the mean one off, or is it a side issue - can guys just get aroused in any situation? Or can he maybe not get aroused without the blood and inflicting pain, etc.? And does, for instance, using the bottle how they did give him more than if he had used it to stab me in the stomach or something? Do you think there was a chance he would have used the bottle another way too of I hadn't agreed to anal sex? By the way - this is totally off the subject, but is there any difference between anal sex or sodomy or do they mean the same thing?
And was there something he saw in me right off that told him I was someone he could dominate in these ways or would it have worked with anyone? As I said, I think they just planned it for someone - not necessarily me. But did they kind of have to "screen" people that night, do you think?
Man, I wish they had just cut me elsewhere or broken my arms and legs or something.
Sorry I have so many questions. My head is just a scramble this morning.
And I do know they didn't take very thing from me. But they did take some things, don't you think? And they don't know how I ended up. I could have killed myself for all they knew, and I don't think it would matter, at least to the mean one. I know I have things they don't. And I imagine they will never be at peace. So - what does that mean? They got the worse end of the deal? Maybe so. But I still am feeling sorry for myself and not so much them. I am sorry if they are ill. But I don't feel like I should have been forced to take part of that on myself. If they had AIDS, I would feel really bad for them, but it wouldn't mean it would be fair to purposely give it to me, right? And it wouldn't help them. It would just hurt me. If they would have asked for help, I would have tried to help them. But not in this way. But I guess this is what they needed. Should I try to be a bit more understanding? I thought I had forgiven them. Linda told me a long time ago that I didn't really, because I just dumped to the forgiveness part without goin through the tough path that would lead to brin able to forgive them. That I kind of forgave them without really understanding wht they had done. What do you think?