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Suzanne
Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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ASK SUZANNE, I really wanted my marriageto work out. When I

Customer Question

ASK SUZANNE, I really wanted my marriageto work out. When I think about how my husband has no sex drive and we don't have sex, I feel like my marriage failed. That and other things. How he is miserable a lot and puts me down. I know that it is not my fault that he doesn't want me physically. I just feel bad that our marrage does not have a physical connection. Can you help me with this somehow? thans, Jen
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 5 years ago.
Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic. I sent your requested Professional a message to follow up with you here, when they are back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.
Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.
This is a difficult question. I know from your previous notes that the two of you have tried just about everything to fix the physical side of your relationship. When you talk to your husband about his lack of desire, what does he say?
Expert:  sopsych replied 5 years ago.
I don't know much about your situation but i sense intuitively that there is a dynamic going on in your relationship that has left you feeling powerless. You don't have control over your husbands sexuality but you do have power to feel your own sense of desire and your own sexuality. Perhaps reconnecting with your own sense of feminine beauty and sensuality would help. Think of your femininity and sexuality as a gift. Cultivate it, adorn it with clothing, jewelry; anoint it with fragrant oil. Notice what you are attracted to. If your husband doesn't see you allow others to. Notice how men respond to you. Refrain from acting out with others but notice and allow your husband to notice what he is missing. See if the dynamic doesn't begin to change as your attitude toward yourself changes. Best of luck to you.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
ASK SUZANNE, I tell Anthony, that it really bothers me that my husband isn't attracted to me and that we don't have a physical connection. We fight about it. Then later he will take cialis and we have sex. I just hate that we have to fight first, then he takes the pill, then we have sex. He says he is attracted to me and that he does want to have sex with me....it is just that he says he has no desire. he also knows he has erectile issues and that he's not able to. this is the #1 thing in my life that bothers me. I just don't understand after 1 million conversations how he doesn't get the importance of physical intimacy with me. I feel like if he loved me enough he would have taken steps to correct the situation by now but he hasn't.
Expert:  sopsych replied 5 years ago.
Let me know if you would like to discuss further or if you have specific questions. I'm not sure if what i said earlier was on target or not. I still think it would help if the dynamic changed between you and your husband. Do you understand your own power to change the dynamic?
Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.

It seems like the fighting serves to connect the two of you....but in a negative way. My earlier answer about devoting some time strictly to each other, having fun together, may help you two find ways to connect without fighting.

I think finding ways to connect to each other would be more satisfying to you than him figuring out a way to have sex just because he knows you want to. If he is on any antidepressants or other medication, the lack of desire may be a side effect. Look them up online to make sure there isn't a chemical reason for his lack of desire.

Human desire often has more to do with how we feel about ourselves than about the other person. Think about it this way...most women, if they don't feel good about their bodies, want to avoid sex. When they get in shape, and have good self-confidence, then their desire for sex returns. From our earlier conversations, it sounds like things haven't been going well for your husband. You are kind of running the show by earning the money that supports the family, and that's traditionally the man's role. I think things will have the best chance of changing when he's feeling better about himself. You'll know he's feeling better when he stops picking on you for little things...people only do that when they're feeling bad about themselves.

There's no quick fix for this one. Work on getting the relationship back to what it was when you were dating--at least the dynamic between the two of you. Remember what attracted you to him. And particularly find ways to connect that get the feelings flowing between the two of you without having to resort to fighting.

Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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