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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Why am I always attracted to men who are not interested in

Resolved Question:

Why am I always attracted to men who are not interested in forming along term relationship with me
Kind Regards
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear Alex,

A understand and appreciate the frustrating and unsatisfying nature of your current dynamics with men.

For starters, you have to know what your man is seeking from the relationship so that you can give it to him in order to get hims to love you in a way that YOU want. I am not talking about being "easy", of course.

Men do not like to be worshipped, and it is not necessary to do whatever he wants, particularly if you have no desire to do it. All men like and respect a woman with a mind of her own, and they also like to be very admired, such as their biggest "fan".

Men sometimes leave women who try to be whatever they think the men want them to be - more than they leave other women. They also leave women who try to dress and act sexy all the time and give them all the sex they want - and more. Men like sex, to be sure, but they want much more.

Girls guys leave

The women that men leave, amazingly enough, are the gals who strive to be whatever he wants.

Some women think that all there is to being the kind of woman men love is dressing sexy and giving him all the sex that he can handle. There is an unfair perception that all men want is sex. Some men do, however, and those are the ones that will become bored with you and leave you, once the relationship moves beyond intimacy.

Men love women that make them feel desired, loved, admired - and these feelings must be real and honest. If a man perceives your admiration to be less than genuine, he will move on to a more honest relationship.

The bot***** *****ne is understanding your man, finding out what he wants and needs from you, while all-the-while retaining your own unique identity.

I wish you the best of luck.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I need more information this sems to be all about his needs
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Dear Alex,

Relationships are about your mutual needs. I have already explained how important it is for men to have their needs met.

The one need (and the most essential), that you brought up, is your need to have a relationship that will endure. You need to trust the man. You need to feel safe. You need to feel admired, you need good communication, you need to feel relaxed.

You have not given me any description of how your relationships seem to fall apart quickly. If you can give me something to go on such as:

-What your YOUR needs? What do you want out of a relationship? I can guess at the basics, but only you know the details. Perhaps you can convey them to the man as you begin to open up to each other.
-How does a typical date go?
-How soon do the relationships last?
-Are you intimate, and if so, after dating for how long?
-How does a breakup start?

I look forward to hearing more from you so that I can assist you.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 5 years ago.


I am atracted to men physically and intellectually who dont seem interested in along term comitted relationship.

Most of these men are degree educated and I enjoy talking and learning from them

I have battled with Dyslexia most of my life and am vulnerable with Maths and certain elements of memory which although men are physically attracted to me when they realise my confusing capabilities that affect my professional life they seen to with draw.

I am seen as abit of an enigna .

My Father is a very sucessful man but has always been absent since my parents divorce and being with a very possesive step mum.

One of my biggest loves told me our relationship was just sex although honest with me unfortunatelyI fell in love with him but he was never in to me and the relationship broke down badly when I found out he was cheating on me.

Another relationship was with a guy at work a senoir member of staff who was married who chased and chased me I met his parents and he moved out of the marital home and we moved in together but then the company went back on there word and fired me as the relationship had become serious i then struggled toget another job and he told me he had changed his mind about wanting anymore children our relationship plummeted down and eventually he went back to his wife

Another relationship was with a divorced guy who when we met I again was struggling in the job and it affected our relationship in the end he said his feelings had changed.

I am adopted born premature as my natural mother was very stressed during pregnacy hence I am Dyslexic.

My adoptive parents divorced when I was twelve my Adoptive Father had an affair.

My Natural Father left the scene when he found out my mother was pregnant.

I know I have not had great male role models it does not take a genuis to work that out however I seem to be physically and intellectually attracted to men who are not interrested or who can not handle my struggles professionally they dont want the hassle or burden

Please help

Kind Regards


Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Dear Alex,

You have revealed a lot by saying that you are attracted to men who don't seem interested in a long term committed relationship. Although YOU want such a relationship, you have such fear of abandonment that you sabotage your relationships from the beginning. You have such fear of rejection that you engage in a self-fulfilling prophecy scenario in which the ultimate outcome is failure.

It has nothing to do with dyslexia. It has nothing to do with imperfect math skills. Many brilliant people fall down in the math department. The men in your life have abandoned you. Your natural mother evidently abandoned you. They didn't care, and now you choose other men who don't care.

You can change course. Let me recommend two books that will help you to do that. They are both available at and elsewhere.

Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment and Fear by Claudia Black


Taming Your Outer Child: A Revolutionary Program to Overcome Self-Defeating Patterns by ***** *****

Reading these books will surely help you change your life. You must break this pattern. You seem that you have so much to offer. You will learn how to stop giving yourself to the wrong men. There is someone out there who will love you for who you are, with all of your minor imperfections, and help you to overcome your big problem - lack of trust - by understanding you and standing by you in your moments of doubt and self-sabotaging thoughts and behavior.

I know you can overcome this. You CAN learn to trust again but you must stop choosing partners who only reinforce your anticipated lack of commitment.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Elliot

Thank youfor this however other friends of mine whom are adopted are happily married so how come they are and I am not

I also fell pregant with one of these men and he walked out saying he did not want to know at all, i desperately wanted to keep the baby but my Adoptive mother said do not expect me to help you emotionally or finacially you are on your own and she did not contact me for months so I terminated the pregancy and I have bad days as it would have been the first part of me I ever saw.....

I repeated what happened to my natural mother except I did not expect the Father of the child to react this way we had known each other for over ten years

Is there anymore fianl advice you can give me

Kind Regards


Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Dear Alex,

It is not just being adopted, but there were other abandonment issues as well. In any case, different people react differently. There are so many other external forces that have affected your life.

You can overcome this. Read the books for starters. If you feel that you need more help afterwards, then find a therapist that you can talk to, face to face, and work this out slowly with her or him. You can change, but it will require time and real effort. You have the intelligence to change and I believe that you can overcome this.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
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