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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate: I told about my thoughts about the teenagers' baby.

Customer Question

I told Linda about my thoughts about the teenagers' baby. (found out they're 16 - a little older than I thought). She said that was interesting, because the same thought had crossed her mind last week. She said she may bring it up to her if it seems appropriate. The thing is - private adoptions are so much quicker, easier and streamlined if both parents consent. Of course, either of them could change their mind at any point until a few days after the birth. That's the way it should be. But it would be difficult if something like that fell through.
And even though they are very young - giving a child up for adoption is a life-changing thing. I would hate for them to regret it or feel pushed into it because they feel unprepared. Jamie got pregnant from a one night stand. she had a difficult pregnancy and lost her job, which was a very good job. I barely knew her - had seen her at church, but hadn't ever spoken to her, I don't think. But we had a mutual friend who told me she was considering putting the baby up for adoption because she didn't think she had the resources to raise a child. I thought that finances were a terrible basis for such a decision. At the time, I made a lot more money and received great bonuses. So I was able to get some money to her anonymously. I dont know how seriously she was considering the adoption option, but I see now what a great mom she is, what a gift her daughter (now 3) has been, and what a good dad the surprised one night stand turned out to be! So in addition to figuring out whether I really want and should have kids at all, there are a lot of other considerations. The least of my concern is the private adoption process, since I work with several attorneys who handle that kind of thing.
Maybe my going back to the old firm is one of God's ways of setting things up to make raising a child more doable. I need to pray about it more, and I an opportunity arises, maybe I have His answer.
Did you always know you wanted kids? We're they all planned? I wonder if the fact that I am not totally sure means that I shouldn't have kids, because it seems like so many people just have such a need and desire to have them. The fact that it hasn't been a central focus for me may mean something??? But I was thinking I had plenty of time. Until I turned 40. I talked to my pastor about it several months ago. He thought I should consider adoption and that it was a better option than insemination. I told him I was just going to go have sex with a random guy. He didn't know what to say. (I assured him I was joking). Oh well. We'll see.
Tonight went okay. It was difficult. We made it through to the first time with the bottle. I have so many questions. I just don't understand so much. So many things about them and why and why it affected me as it did and why it still upsets me. Mu stomach felt really tight when I was talking about the bottle and i was feeling some other physical things. Linda asked if I was feeling physical pain or anything (maybe ahe could tell i was uncomfortable?) i told her about the tightness in my stomach and she was telling me it was okay to move around or curl up or rub my stomach. I didnt want to, and i don't know why, but it embarassed me to tell her i was having physical symptoms and self conscious when she was telling me what I could do. Why, do you think?
I told Linda that It was probably not these guys' first time doing something like that. But let's say it was. At some point they crossed a line and changed into people who do that kind of thing. But they also changed me into someone to whom those things can be done. A few hours earlier, I was happy and had everything going for me. I had good grades, was choosing a law school, had good friends, was valuable. Then it was like I was worth nothing except what they could use for their benefit. I meant nothing. I was nothing. I was something, and then in a short time, nothing. I don't know if I thought this at the time, but when I remember, I am thinking "you don't know who you're doing this to.". But then the message I get is clear: this is exactly who you are. You are not what you thought. I wasn't invincible or untouchable or something special or remarkable. I was whatever they wanted me to be. It was like I was made just for them. I know that's not true, but that's how I felt about it remembering it tonight.
I feel pretty intense right now. But maybe that's the point?
Oh - as to what you said about my not bringing up stuff in therapy because I don't really have anything to say - I sometimes don't feel like saying anything. I guess I expect her to ask me questions of there's something I should be talking about. She is the therapist, not me. And maybe I'm still testing her. Not sure how, though. And I feel like our chatting about everyday things kind of wastes time, and I already feel bad because our sessions run way late every time and although my insurance allows for unlimited number of extended sessions, the extended sessions are only supposed to be and hour and 15 minutes or something, and she frequently has me there for an hour and 45 minutes. I am going to start setting an alarm on my phone. But mostly, other things in my life are fine and I try to maintain a drama-free life, so I don't have a lot of other exciting stuff going on.
Well, goodnight. I'm optimistic about sleeping tonight, since I slept well last night. I felt so spent by the time I left my session tonight. :)
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.


I hope you slept well last night.

I agree that praying about the adoption feelings is important. A decision like this should not be made without exploring your feelings and praying about it. If God feels this is something you should do, then the opportunities will be put into your path.

I did not want kids until I had completed my degrees and had a chance to have good experience in my field. Then the decision just kind of snuck up on me. My brother and his wife were thinking about having children so the bug kind of bit me through their own experience. My kids were all planned, but I am on medication that allows for that so it really wasn't in my hands as much as it could have been.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to when you want children. I know many people that either could not have them or chose not to. Or they had them late. It's all about you as an individual.

I think the physical sensations that you have when you talk about the bottle make the experience very real to you. Trauma that is intense enough to cause you sensations years later tells you that it is still very real and very present. And that is ok. It is supposed to be because you have not worked all the way through it. But when Linda has you get in touch with it, it makes it come into the present. And it brings all the feelings with it, like the embarrassment and shame. What those guys did was violate you in a very personal way. Getting hit over the head and having your purse stolen is very different than being personally violated and used like those guys did. And sharing that brings it's own sense of shame. You are not like those guys so you feel what happened. They have no shame or sense of decency like you do.

They did not change you into something you are not. That was their message to you, yes, I agree. But that message came from what they feel about themselves. They forced it on you because they had the ability to do so. People who are evil like that rarely keep it to themselves. They have to hurt others to make themselves feel things they normally do not feel, like superiority. The pit they come from doesn't allow for those kinds of feelings. But hurting someone else (they think at least) makes them feel "better". So what they did does not say who you are, only who they are. You were not made for them but for God. You belong to Him and no one else, especially two guys who are so damaged and lost they have to hurt others to deal with themselves.

It's ok to feel this intensely. You are right, that is the point of what you are doing.

I think not saying something in therapy is actually saying a lot, if that makes sense. And hopefully Linda will explore that with you next time you feel that way.

Talk to you soon,

TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I started a new thread ... Btw, I asked Linda what kind of therapy she did. She said "I woul just call it psychotherapy.". She said she leaned a bit towards cognitive behavioral, and explained that is what we had done earlier on, but that I was resistant to it because it was taking negative thoughts and trying to replace them with healthier positive self-thought and I kept telling her I felt like she was asking me to make stuff up and try to convince myself. She is right. She said what we are doing now is imagery stuff, kind of like the cbt, but not exactly. I'm going to ask her why she has never even mentioned transference and maybe explain why I push away or shut down when I'm feeling stuff.
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.
I'm going to transfer this post over to the new thread-