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4/30/2012
TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,894
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Dear dear Kate,
thank you, ***** ***** times. I have thought about your post all morning. The kids are both out. I asked D if he had talked to Barry, his musician friend, about the letter. He said no, he hadn't talked to anyone about it, but he had said to him that things were not good at home. I said maybe he should, Barry might be able to offer him a roof, or have some ideas for him. He said NO, no, I'm not going, I've talked to the kids, and they don't understand what your problem is, they say it's fine living with him. What did he expect them to say if he asked them?
He's just come in my room. He says he has set himself targets, looking around our home, of things that he wants to do, to make this place perfect, for him, me, us, I just want to be happy, make you happy, This place is one in a million, millions of people don't have a place like this, We are so lucky. I want to get the stable sorted so that I can play the drums out there, practice, I don't play them in the house, I've got nowhere to play.
You will kill me if you make me go, we can make this right, you will feel better, then you will feel differently, you will love me again, I am changing, I won't drink anymore, no more getting drunk, I'm sorry I have done this to you, messed up your head, I'll go to counselling with you, we can make this better. I said I have been unhappy for years and years and years, but I have just hidden it, tucked it away, pretended I'm OK, happy, he said why didn't you tell me? I said bc that's how I lived my childhood, keeping my unhappiness to myself, not making others feel unhappy bc I am, keeping secrets, not knowing how to express my unhappiness. I told him that it goes way way back. I said that day he knocked on my door with his backpack after travelling hundreds of miles on the train, spending his last few pounds on the train fare, and expecting me to take him in, care for him, that I'd gone with the flow, was swept along with what I had done for him, the time and energy that I'd invested in helping him to get his life back on track, and I think I wish I'd been strong enough back then to stop it form going any further.
He said as he was half asleep the other night he felt his mum come to him in a half dream, and told him to stop being a fool, and get things sorted out. And that's what he says he wants to do, everything and anything to make it work for us all. I'm saying no D, I don't want to be married to you anymore, I want to find happiness, I have a choice, I don't have to be married to you for the rest of my life. He says but I want this place, this is my dream, what I want for ever, if you go I won't be able to afford to buy you out. It will be lost, the kids won't have it for their future. I said they'll both be gone in 4 years time, they will be here til they go. Yes, but they won't be able to bring their grandchildren here. I said you can't see yourself living anywhere else then? No, no way, this is my dream, I built this, it is a part of me, I saw it, you wouldn't be here without me (ditto!). Is said don't you think I worked hard for this home too, I put as much time and effort into it as you did... I know, i know.
He said If I have to go I won't be able to stay around here. why not? bc of the shame. I said don't be silly, families break up all the time. No, I just won't be able to stay. I split with Jay's mum after seeing him everyday for 5 years, and that almost killed me. If I go, it will kill me. I said I've been very close to being dead D, I was in the very depths of depression, so far down that I could very easily have been dead, bc I couldn't see my way out, I had no fight back then, I had my plans. And all this time he had no idea, but since then I have found K, learnt to talk again, I have written and talked and worked hard and got stronger, and now I'm fighting to get out. I have a right to get out, to be happy.
But you CAN be happy again, when you feel better from your depression, you will smile, laugh, you just need to lighten up. I said do you want me to live the rest of my life in my little room? No, I want you to come back to our room. I said I can't do that, I won't be able to come back to you again. Why not? Bc I don't have you in my heart D, there is nothing in my heart or my head for you anymore. Why? Is there someone else? No D, why do you always think there is someone else? Would it make it easier if there WAS someone else? No, not at all, I get very jealous. I said D, I don't remember when I loved you. He said, but we have 2 kids, you wanted kids, we have had 20 years together, you can't throw it all away. He said you HAVE told me you loved me, during passionate times, but those words haven't been said for years. They were said to make him feel better, whether I meant them or not.
He wants to know why I haven't told him, this is all news to him, a volcano erupting. There have been many times when I've tried talking to him, but he hasn't been receptive, and many more times when he has been abusive. There was one evening, after drinking, that he was in a rage bc I was doing things out in the field, fencing etc, and he was angry with me bc I was being self sufficient, cutting down stinging nettles etc, and not asking for his help, angry angry that I wasn't talking about things with him, that I'd chosen to talk to K instead. He'd got a scythe and went to cut them down himself, I'd left him to it, but he was angry, came at me waving the scythe, right up menacingly in my face, shouting about talking to K (this was last summer). I guess I am to blame in a big way for the breakdown in communication, afraid to speak about how I felt bc I didn't want to make him upset, or turn the anger on. SIGH.
I'm feeling stuck again, going nowhere.
Kate, I'm worrying that I'm boring you, I am so tedious, more of the same, same, thoughts, feelings, in a jam. I don't know where to go in my head today, I feel I'm being unfair, haven't given him a fair chance.
I have to go to a concert in the church in a short while, it is a charity concert with local people singing and playing. D and his 'band' are doing a couple of numbers. I need to support, but so don't want to socialise. My parents will be there, I'll sit with them, and go as soon as it is over.
Back later
Rose

Rose, you are never boring to me, ever! And being in a jam is normal in your situation, as it is in many situations. It's part of growing and moving forward with what you are going through. Recovering and changing your life is not like a freight train, just one track and a speeding locomotive. It's full of stops and starts, and some backwards motions. All very normal. Plus, I just enjoy talking with you. You are a great person, interesting and thoughtful, open and compassionate. I could not imagine not being here for you.

It is very interesting that Dave is suddenly open to talking with you. He now wants to do what he has not done for so long, pay attention to someone besides himself. He wants to step up and do the things he was supposed to do all along. But yet even as he expresses those feelings, he still finds ways to blame you. For one, you are at fault for not bringing this all up before. But when you did, he abused you. So what were you supposed to do? And now the home is his dream, one that he shows no interest in taking care of or paying for. It sounds like it may be his dream, as long as he has you to pay for everything and fix everything. In other words, you have to take full responsibility while he enjoys his "dream".

Even more interesting- he tells you to "lighten up" and blames this on your depression. But what he doesn't seem to notice is that his behavior causes you to feel as you do and now you want to do something about it. It's like he sees only what he wants to see. And doesn't want to take responsibility for the things that are actually his fault. It's a sign that he is not ready to really address what is happening.

Did he ever tell you why he left his previous relationship? Was it the same reasons as in your relationship or something else?

It sounds like you are very aware of your feelings and are being open with Dave about them. You know that you don't love him anymore and that any feelings you might have had were taken away by his actions. He has not encouraged any feelings you could have had for him either. He has done all he could to get rid of any possible love between the two of you. And if he does love you, it's a self centered kind of love. More of what you can do for him rather than a selfless love like you deserve.

Do you have to go to the concert today? If not, maybe you could stay home. You are in the middle of your marriage breaking up and no one should expect you to be in the same place as Dave more than you have to during this difficult time.

I'm sorry, Rose. This is a tough thing to work through. I can hear in your voice how heavy this is weighing on you and I admire how strong you are to keep at it. Your determination is something to see!

Kate

TherapistMarryAnn
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Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Thank you Kate.
I'm glad not to be boring. And I'm glad you like Pooh with the blue papillon! I couldn't believe how perfect it was :)
This morning He told me how selfish I was, I was thinking only of #1. I said I never have before, but now I feel I have to take care of myself.
And it dawned on me as I was vacuuming earlier, that he wants to stay here, doesn't want me to divorce him, split the property, he won't be able to afford to keep it on, wants to stay here for the rest of his life. But what about me? Is that what I want? What if I want to move away from this village that I was born in, have lived here every year of my life except for 12. What if I want a change, he won't let me move, he won't want to come to the coast where I feel free and happy. That's where I want to go. He sees his life set up here, good friends, a folk band to play with (they ARE good by the way), HIS dream, making music, living somewhere beautiful, no mortgage, little responsibility, he is made, yet he says it will kill him if I divorce him, make him move. He is in a MUCH better place than he was when he split up from Jay's mum, then he had no money, no job, no life. (he tells me their split was just meant to be a separation to give each other space after years of living too closely with one another, that's all I know. But I do remember him telling me that she was crazy- I know she isn't) Now he has it all. He's at the pub now, after telling me earlier no more drinking. he wants to KEEP it all. I just want a little place by myself when the kids are flown, a little cottage by the sea somewhere, like St Ives. My friend Linda reminded me of that dream a few weeks ago. That's where I want to keep my sights.
AM I being selfish? I was a little scared earlier that I might not be able to sustain my fight, that I will tumble right back down again, just so that I don't have to keep pushing against the resistance. I might need to take a breather and he might get a stronger hold; might I lose all my strength, or do I have it for keeps? I know so much more now, things are much straighter. You're right that I know where my feelings for him are now, and that he has done a great job of destroying any positive feelings I have had for him. He wants me to forgive and forget all the terrible things he has said and done, just like that, and he thinks I can love him again.He has done too much damage for love, or even like enough, to ever be possible again.
I couldn't sleep last night. Night after night. Last night I was remembering intimate relations with him, and how I felt about those times. They had been times for me to avoid for as long as I can remember, I had no enjoyment from being touched by him, it felt like a violation. I would agree to sex bc I felt I should, I was being unfair to say no over and over. I remember him pushing his wishes and wants on to me, despite me telling him it hurt,or no, I didn't want to do that. There were times when I would silently cry, just hating it all, willing it to stop, finish, feeling screwed up inside, in my head, trying to be somewhere else. There were times when I had to get away, I couldn't bear it, crying, feeling sick, I had to say stop, let me go, leave me alone. He'd let me go. He'd tell me I had a problem, we had to work on it. I wondered what was wrong with me, was I frigid? It was him. It felt like rape, that I was allowing, bc he was my husband. He wants me back in the bedroom. I will never sleep with him again.
D would have been cross had I not gone to the concert. I arrived late, had to pick Sam up from work. I didn't see D, sat with my parents. Mum said she didn't think I would come. I said D expected it. When D was first asked if his 'band' would do a couple of numbers, he was totally against it, didn't want to play in the church, wouldn't be the right sort of music for that sort of concert. He was asked again, I just said ask the others, if they want to, then why not. They were well received, did well, D was full of himself when he came back from the pub.
Thank you so much for your encouragement, I would not be at this point without talking to you everyday. I am so glad to have your support.
I'll say goodnight now Kate, so so tired. Maybe I'll sleep better tonight. I might see Dr H for some night sedation this week, it is such a struggle. I remember you mentioning melatonin a while back. I wish we could legally buy it here, but sadly, not.
Have a nice Sunday evening
Rosexx

The Pooh picture is perfect! I think from now on it's going to be an image I always associate with us. It makes me smile.

I could not agree more with your feelings about your marriage and your hopes and dreams. What about you, indeed. In all the time you and I have known each other, I have never thought you a selfish person. All the actions you have taken, the things you have gone through, and the worries and concerns, all of your actions have been about caring for others. Your aunt, your jobs, your parents and the kids. You base everything on what others need. And the biggest concern you have had is Dave. Making sure he gets what he needs and that he is happy. And he is. Totally, in his own little world. No responsibilities, no worries. You pay the bills, do the work and watch out for the kids. He plays, sleeps and drinks. And when you want your own happiness, he calls you selfish. That is some transference he has going on there!

You are absolutely right, Rose. You have gained too much insight, you know too much to go back to how things were before. The Rose that accepted her lot in life and made everyone happy at the cost of her own health no longer exists. You have moved too far ahead to go back. Going back now would be like being at the ocean and ignoring the water. It's just not possible.

Rose, I am so so sorry that you had to go through such horrible experiences with Dave. He should have never treated you so badly during sex or blamed your reaction on you afterwards. You were hurting physically and emotionally because of how he treated you. And it was rape. You had been assaulted. All he had to do instead was be understanding. Of course if he was, you would have never felt that way in the first place. No wonder you feel as you do about him.

You are realizing more and more each day and this will be your strength in the coming days. Your insight is amazing and it keeps growing. It's layer after layer being added each day. This is why you will not go back or falter.

I hope you sleep better tonight. I wish you did have the melatonin available to you. You may want to try beer hoppes. They don't have any alcohol in them. Aspirin may help temporarily (soothes the sympathic nervous system) and cinnamon can help too. You may know these things but if not, you may want to try them. I'll keep searching for more ideas and if I find any I'll pass them on.

I'm here for anytime, Rose. I say that all time, but I mean it. I am glad to be here to offer support and be a part of this transformation in your life. And I'm honored that you share it with me.

Good night, dear Rose. I hope your night is peaceful and without worries.

Katex

TherapistMarryAnn
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