I called Linda to run it by her. She thought it was a good idea, and said she had it on her "list" of things to do when I was ready. She said she hadn't been sure I was ready yet, considering the EMDR thing, but if I thought of it and I think I am ready, she thinks I probably am. She said we would need to take it slow and set some ground rules first - like making sure I stop when I want to stop, setting up a plan for her to try to know if I start to dissociate or go into a flashback, practicing going to my safe place, making sure I feel safe and comfortable, etc.
She said that when I wrote it down, and even when we went over the various worst parts of it, I described what happened, maybe what I was thinking in parts of it, and maybe described how it felt physically or certain sensations (like it being cold, the taste of blood, etc.), but that we need to examine my feelings all through it. She said it would take a number of sessions to get through it.
You know, I said it aloud to C, but I was not too specific in parts. I included everything that happened, but didn't describe it in detail, and didn't actually "say" some stuff, because he could figure it out and it was awkward. And I didn't repeat the things the guys said or I said, exactly - I just said "they told me to do certain things and I did." But I didn't feel anything but flushed and awkward when I told him. I stared at the floor the whole time and just said it. I think I was totally separated from any feelings - more than when I wrote it out.
And just to be clear -- I didn't read it to Linda -- I just had her read it.
I guess the point is that it just dawned on me after talking to Linda that this might be a big ordeal. Do you think I'm ready?