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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5823
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My mother is extreme. She is extremely clingy and

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My mother is extreme. She is extremely clingy and controlling and wants everything her way and if it isnt her way she has "tempertantrums". She is inflexible. She also view the world and people around her in a negative light. She has said that she is perfect and and angel and everyone else is beneath her.
She has also said that I am her world.
On Saturday I decided to move out the house and live on my own because of her and her negativity, screaming, and degrading of the whole family (including my father and 10-year-old brother). I told my mother sweetly that I am moving out (only 15 mins away) and that I will visit her on the weekends. She tried to convince me otherwise but when she realized I was firm on my decision she started to go ballistic.
She deadbolt the door so I couldnt pick up my things. She called and left 27 nasty threatening messages (not threatening bodily harm). She has been calling non stop since 3:44 AM in the morning for the last 3 days. Today is the first day that she has not called as much and I think she is calming down.
She also kicked my father out of the house for the last three days stating to him that it was his fault that I left.
She is very manipulative and no matter what a person says she can twist the words ot her favor.
ie: Mom: Do you think your father drinks too much.
Me: No.
Mom: When does he drinks?
Me: Only during parties and special occasions.
---later that day---
Mom (yelling): You are a DRUNK!
Dad: What?!
Mom (still yelling): Even your daughter thinks so!
My mom also thinks that everything she says or does is right and plays the victim card all the time. Whenever she is upset with someone she brings up things that are untrue forgetting all the benifical things a person has done.
Mom (yelling): You never help me at all. You are a cruel child!
Me: I just paid for your computer classes cause you said you wanted to learn about the computer. What are you talking about?
Mom (yelling): You are a cruel child!
My mom also doesnt seem to have empathy and is extremely selfish.
There are so much more things as well but I think I wrote so much so far.
I think she has a mental illness but I don't know what I can do so she can get help.
Also, she is super happy when everything goes her way but if something does she freaks out big time.
Thanks again!
I live in NJ by the way.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

I agree, from your description it sounds like your mother does have mental health diagnosis, specifically a personality disorder.

A personality disorder is characterized by someone who see the world in a different way than most people. They have traits and characteristics that were developed at a very young age, probably to cope with abuse or trauma inflicted on them as a child. Children need to have their needs met and when they live with abuse or trauma, they cannot get them met in a normal way. So they change their behavior in order to try to get their needs met. It usually does not work, but by then they have adapted to the new way of seeing the world.

Your mother tries to blame others and control other people because she knows no other way. She cannot relate normally to get what she wants. In the meanwhile, you cannot get her to see her behavior is harmful to others because she has no insight into her own behavior. She only sees everything from her own perspective.

People with personality disorders are difficult to treat because they lack the insight to see what they are doing is harmful and therefore, have no desire to change. So getting them to see a therapist or get help in anyway is usually difficult at best.

You and your family can try asking your mother to see her doctor. Or if she goes for regular visits you can call the doctor ahead of time and let them know about what your mother is doing. Sometimes a person will listen to their doctor over their own family members.

Also, learn what you can about personality disorders. The more you know, the more information you will have to relate to your mother and possibly help her. Here are some resources to help you:

Also, consider counseling for yourself and your family. Dealing with a family member with a mental health diagnosis can be very stressful. Your doctor can refer you to a therapist in your area or you can call the United Way for clinics in your area.

I hope this has helped you,

TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

She wont listen is there anyway to force her to do something or am I out of luck?

Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Unfortunately, due to the law, you cannot force someone into treatment unless they intend on hurting themselves or someone else. Otherwise, the law protects your mother's right to act any way she wishes. But getting the doctor to intervene and learning more about personality disorders can help enormously in how you cope with your mother. I know it's frustrating and stressful. Many people with family members with emotional issues feel as you do. You may want to try for support with other families experiencing the same thing you are.