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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I have fantasies of seeing my wife have sex with other men.

Resolved Question:

i have fantasies of seeing my wife have sex with other men. it seems really weird to me that this would turn me on.  we have a great sex life, and i want to know why i have this fantasy, or what it means about me.  my wife says she would never act this out; i don't know if she enjoys the fantasy or not.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

It is not unusual for some men to have this fantasy. It is not voyeurism in a strict sense, for that is watching a person disrobe or have sex, but who does know that you are watching.

This is different. Some therapists believes that this desire masks an even stronger desire to control your wife. It is hurtful while being extremely erotic and orgasmic. It is a form of self-denial, seeing the woman you love deeply taking her pleasure from another man, while you are denied.

If your wife says she would never actually do this, then it might be true, or she just may be in shock about what you have proposed.

You must also realize that, although this works for many couples who get into this lifestyle, it may also be opening up Pandora's box and could lead to the end of your relationship.

You are certainly not alone in this desire and it may work for you if she agrees. Entering new territory, however, has so many unknown risks. I wish you great success no matter what road you take.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
what do you mean by opening Pandora's box? because she might like it and want to do it all the time? another possible clue is that, i feel very threatened by the idea that my wife has fantasies about other men. although she says she does not, everything i read online says that almost everyone engages in "partner replacement" fantasies while having sex with their partner. for some reason, the idea that my wife does this really bothers me, even though "everyone does it" and it is supposedly "normal." personally i don't do this when i'm with my wife. i guess the bot***** *****ne is, i want to learn why i have these feelings - why do i fantasize about seeing my wife with another man, and why am i so threatened by the idea that she has fantasies about being with another man? are those questions related?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Dear friend,

You are correct. It is possible that any person having sex with another can form a bond, so this is the risk that is taken when anyone moves into this kind of situation. That is what I meant by opening Pandora's box.

From what you have further revealed, that you feel very threatened by the idea that she is having fantasies about other men (even though she denies it), then you are showing some obsessive thought. It may stem from insecurity, but it is a form of obsessive thought. This kind of though is sometimes overcome by compulsive acts. In your case, the compulsive act is to fantasize about your wife having sex with another man. This is a mild case of obsessive compulsive behavior and can be helped with some counseling with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Since you may engage in "partner replacement fantasies", you feel that perhaps your wife does as well. Men probably do this more than women, and the though of this makes you feel a bit threatened or insecure and therefore you have these thoughts about doing the worst to yourself as a preventive, in a sense.

In most likelihood your wife is not interested in sex with anyone but you. If these intrusive thoughts are hurting your marriage or making you very anxious, then I certainly urge you to see a competent therapist who deals with anxiety disorders. This is not a serious disorder and you can find relief with the proper treatment.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

P.S. - research has shown that replacement fantasies are not harmful to the relationship if they ever do occur.
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