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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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Ok here is my question. I feel very stupid asking this but

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Ok here is my question. I feel very stupid asking this but it is just driving me crazy!! I have OCD and have had for about 10 years that i know of. Iam 30 years old now. Iam married with 3 little girls. I seem to obsess about evil things such as the devil..whom iam scared to death of. I think that obsessive thinking started back when my older brothers were watching the exorcist when i was younger. It just escaladed from there and i have been terrified ever since. Here is the wierd part. In about 2002 i started feeling that i needed to touch things and check locks several times before leaving or turn off the light several times and such.. then in my mind i would think things like "if i dont plug this into the wall 22 times i will have to sell my soul to the devil" or if i dont flush the toilet 14 times then the same thing would happen. Then it started thinking to things that i liked such as... tanning, buying expensive makeup, dyeing my hair, etc... but in in my mind before i could say ok i want to go tanning today i would say if i go tanning i will have to sell my soul to the devil.. Then i would be so worried to go because of that that i wouldnt go. Same thing with buying the kind of makeup that i liked, dyeing my hair, and so on. Then in my mind it went to things like if i ever do drugs or steal or if i dont shower everyday i will have to sell my soul. Its like i have to live by these rules and after a while i forget what some of the rules were or what i said in my head. So heres the thing i have recently obsessed about... About 8 years ago i put blonde highlights in my hair. I have brown hair by the way. Well it kept getting expensive every time and finally i just had my hair dresser cut out a little bit each time until i was back to brown. Then after that i said stupidly in my head if i ever dye my hair again then i will sell my soul to u know who... Not really meaning it of course or wanting to. Well just a few days ago i noticed a lot of gray hair in my bangs and thought back but couldnt remember if in my head i said that i would if i ever dyed my hair blonde again or if i ever dye my hair again in general. Well i dyed my hair all dark brown and ever since then i have been a wreck obsessing and thinking that i sold my soul or something. I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous but every time i try to convince myself that it didnt matter what i said in my head back then that the last thing i ever would want to do is sell my soul to the devil. I have a normal job and a degree and make very good money. Iam also happily married and love spending time with my kids. I act very normal at work and in front of people. In my head though its a whirlwind at times and now worse since i dyed my hair. After i did i actually bought a hair stripper and took the color out right away thinking that would help. What is wrong with me?? I cant go on living like this. I have 3 young children that need me! Please help me. By the way iam on 5 mg of paxill and have been for years. Sorry this sounds so dumb. I bet you have never heard such ridiculous thing in your life.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 5 years ago.
Heidi LPC :

Hi there!! I want you to try something: picture a flashing red stop sign in your mind, and let your thoughts crash into a giant mountain of mattresses and pillows. Stop cold there. Then I want you to think for a second if I paint my nails, will I be doing something wrong?? Probably not wrong, as it is just decorating a part of my body, a part that grows out on its own. Then I want you to prove to me that if I color my hair I will be selling my soul. Although I am just decorating my body... just ike my nails. Or wearing clothes or shoes or make-up. So, once you can prove that to me... we will move forwards... ;-) You are not ridiculous; you are just experiencing some irrational fears, fears, which when worked on rationally, can be disputed. It takes work and practice, but can be managed.

Heidi LPC :

Wondering: have you asked the Dr. recently about a possible increase or change of medications? Because after all these years, you may just be a bit resistant to the dosage... it could be that simple!!

Heidi LPC :

I see that you are offline; I don't think that you are being ridiculous in anyway to ask for help when you are wanting to rid yourself of these thoughts and compulsions; I think you should be commended for reaching out!! I hope my very short answer was somewhat helpful to you; I will check back to see if you have any further questions or information to share. You can get past this; and you will get past this!!!!!! You can get control over it; check with the Dr... and let me know what happens!!!!!! Thank you for using the site--- my very best to you!!!!!!! :-)

Heidi LPC :

And, one more additional thought: your hair is right now stripped of color, correct? And, while it was colored, nothing bad came upon you, correct? The only thing that happened were your thoughts that frightened you, but you were completely physically safe during this time, correct? With some work, you can start to argue that these fears are actually irrational by proving that in fact, nothing horrible happened. This is what Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, otherwise known as CBT, can do to help you move beyond these thoughts... to prove them wrong. So, along with a check-up with the Dr., it may be time for a visit with a therapist to get this managed once a for all... so that you can go back to being a mom and a whole person, free of compulsions, anxiety or fear. I will be rooting for you!!! :-)

Heidi LPC :

Hi!! I see you are now online!! Does any of my answer make some sense to you or do you have further questions?

Heidi LPC :

Well, I will check back to see if you have further info to share... until then, take good care!! :)

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
iam back online now. Yes everything you wrote makes sense. I know i have a big problem and it really keeps me from doing the thing in life that i enjoy. I have tried to rationalize with myself that it is all nonsense but i just cant stop thinking that if i do this or do that that i may have said in the past that if i do it then i will sell my soul. OMG i tsounds so dumb when i say it out loud but in my head it scares the hell out of me. Yes i was perfectly fine when i dyed my hair. No harm came upon me at all. But even when i stripped it i thought well i still dyed it so now i sold my soul. I mean its wierd. Its not even like i would ever even dream of doing something like that. Its almost like i use it as a punishment against myself for some reason to prevent me from doing the thing in life i like. I mean there is a whole list of things that i "cant do" because of this ongoing compulsion. I wish i could do all those things and just be normal like everyone else! What is wrong with me?? Is this more than OCD?
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 5 years ago.
Aww, don't beat yourself up about it... it really sounds as if you are just dealing with OCD, and from what it sounds like, the medication is just no longer doing it's job; this happens quite frequently, and all you need to do is visit the Dr./therapist, convey the situation, and they will help to get it back under control. The CBT therapy which I mentioned has a very high success rate with OCD, so in combination with the medication, you will have this under control in no time at all! You deserve to give yourself a worry-free existence and you are worth the time and resources to get it. You have the power to change this; take it and make it happen!! :-)
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 5 years ago.

One more thought: have you done some research on the development of OCD? I'm sure that you probably have, but I am attaching one link that explains one view of it:

When I read your question of "What's wrong with me?" I thought that maybe you would feel somewhat supported by reading about the biology/chemistry of the condition and how the brain's impulses just get stuck in a loop. Serotonin production may be inhibited in the body, and that is why the SSRI's are helpful to take to help to combat the chemical imbalance that may contribute to the disorder. You will get this managed, and let me know the outcome! Take good care!!!!!!!!!

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