thank you, ***** ***** tomorrow will bring me strength, I have been in a state of collapse since I wrote last, gladly shutting it all out. I do feel wronged, and misunderstood, that he has made it out to be my problem (honestly from his point of view, he doesn't believe he's wrong in any shape or form) and that I feel I want to write to her and tell her a few things, mostly that the kids are NOT angry generally when he isn't around, or when they don't have the stress
of the Social Worker on top. Although I want to write to her just to make her understand, and say oh yes, this is not good, I don't want her to do anything about it, other than acknowledge me, that it's not all blown up bc I have 'fibromyalgia'. Stuff fms, it hasn't entered my head to tell her about it, I feel all my emotional problems are bc of him, and when I say I'm not well, I mean with depression bc of him, and not anything to do with the fms. I almost wish I didn't have that diagnosis, she only mentioned it to me today bc I guess D had talked about it, but it wasn't long ago that he told me I probably didn't have it, that it was likely all hormonal.
Yes, the strong woman needs to be found again, I saw he for about 10 minutes this evening when the SW's words had sunk in and I was determined to get back at D. I was even brave enough to be in the same room as D for a few minutes before he left the room without speaking to me. I haven't seen him again. He had a bowl of soup for his supper.
My feelings and thoughts are so turbulent right now I don't know how I'll manage the next few days. I haven't talked to anyone about it today, I was too mixed up, I know I need to. K is confused as to what has been going on with the kids, and has asked me if there is anything about my relationship with D, or S or P that I have omitted to tell her that could have caused the kids to want to abandon me. The only thing I can think of is Mark, but he was intensely interested 2.5 to 3 years ago, I haven't allowed him around for a very long time, I don't know if Poppy knows that mark is leaving his wife in the summer and she thinks it's linked. I've no idea. And she said she doesn't think I have lied to her, I said what might I have lied about? that I have never knowingly lied, could I be deluded? I don't know what that really is. D just says I'm paranoid, maybe I'm incredibly tuned in to what he is like, and I pick up every little detail (but only bc I journal, so much would be lost if I didn't)
Well, if nothing else, it's shaken him up. I will wait for the fallout when he is communicating with me again. Maybe he won't.
Goodnight Kate, thank you for being a level head for me (K isn't terribly! She is still concerned about counter transference)