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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi Kate..........................................................
A big bat is always helpful! (Did I just say that.......?)
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Kate, help..
it’s all going wrong. I left a message with the SW to ask for her email address and to ask what was going to happen for D and Sam. She left me a couple of voicemails today, then phoned just as I pulled up in the drive. She told me that her manager wants her to talk to Sam and D. She said when would be the best time. I saaid To phone to speak to D (he wasn;t home yet) 9am ish, and Sam well, I’d get his mobile no for her and maybe she could see him in college. She asked if D was home (no) then asked if sam was home, I was sittingh in the car on my mobile, so went in the house, asked p if he was home, yes, in the bathroom, about to have a shower. She said could she speak to him now, I asked him if he could come to the phone to speak to someone, he said who, Poppy said who, I said a SW, he said tell them to F off, I’m not speaking to them, P said I’m not talking to them again eithrr. She heard this, said hshe can’t make him speak to her, but she wants his side of the story. I said i need to get his no off my mobile so i rang off. d came home, while i was off my mobile. then she tried to ring me again and i had no signal, so she rang the house phone, D answered, so she knew he was home. I said can’t you leave it, drop it, not speak to anyone else. She said I have told her a lot that needs to be looked at, what am i going to do. i said i’ll ask him to go, give him the letter. please, no more, i’m scared. she said that p’s reaction was unusual, she wants to make sure she gets support.
i said can’t she just leave it, she is going to ring me again tomorrow when she has talked to her manager again. I want it all to stop, go away, I can’t do this, i’m sitting in the car, haven’t gone in, sam came to the car, saw me sitting here crying, lifted his hands up as if to say wtf, then closed the door agaion.
I am a REAL MESS stuck here, can’t move

Rose, I'm here. I'm sorry this happened. I know you are overwhelmed by this.

Is there somewhere you can go for a little while away from home?


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I can go and drive somewhere, i can go to th cottage next door, i'm scared to go in, sam has just come to get me wants me to go in but i will have to tell D what 's going on. Sam said he won't speak to the SS, nor will P again

It's ok to tell Sam that you need a few moments by yourself. You need to take care of yourself first, then you can deal with Sam, D and Poppy.

If you feel you are safe enough to go to the cottage then go there. This may be a good time for you to call those back up people you and I have been talking about. Your neigbors, parents, or even the police. You should not do this alone.


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
poppys friend has just come. i will go to the cottage but i have to get my key. i just need a bit more time before i go home. why did she do this now, now is not good

She may not be aware of the danger she is putting you in. It might be good to make her aware of that. Let her know that by pushing this issue without talking to you first, she is potentially putting you and the kids in a dangerous situation because you do not know how Dave will react.

Let me know when you reach the cottage.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
ok i'm in the cottage. I had to go in the house to get the key. sam has gone to the shop, d is in bed and p is with bher friend. it's freezing in here and i have found a water leak. just my luck. i feel a bit calmer now.
That is good. What do you feel you want to do?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Well i don't know yet, i think i want to stay here a while. she said that i'd said lots of stuff that made my situation not good, but p wasn't concerned about anything except that i wasn't well. she said that D needs to be given a chance to answer, said maybe it's my perception of things. she said i can't go on feeling like i do what am i going to do? it's not good for anybody D included. i am feeling to blame for this whole thing, i shouldn't have said yes ok, now i'm in more of a mess

You are not to blame for this situation, Dave is. You and the kids would not be in this situation without his actions putting you there. Yes, you could have not told anyone. But that still leaves you in the same situation, just without anyone knowing.

This has reached the point of no return. Either way you look at it, Dave is going to want to know what is going on. And you may choose to try to tell him something different, but the kids may tell him anyway or he will find out. So you can either deal with how he reacts on your own, or get help and lay this on the line. He needs to get out anyway, and as you said, there is no good time for this to happen.

The best option is to call your backups or contact the domestic violence department at the police station, let them know what you are going to do, then follow their instructions. And also present Dave with the letter at the same time you tell him about the social worker. Before he can react, ask the police to remove him from the home. I know this is hard to do, but you are ready and you have been ready for a long time. If you choose not to, he stays in the home and may take this out on you and the kids. It is too dangerous, given his past behavior, to expose you and the kids to what he might do.

What do you think?


TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i know kate i know, but yes so hard to do. I won't tellnhim anything i'm going to go home soon before he starts asking why i'm not there. i feel more controlled now. but i will just find the phone numbers of the domestic dept before i go. i feel better now i've talked a little. thank you.
she said what will he do if you tell him, just shout at you like he always does, but he does my head in. i knew i shouldn't have told her stuff, my head kept telling me not to.
yes, she said call the police
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i'm going to go home now. talk later
thank you

Let me know how it goes, if you get a chance. I'll be thinking of you.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Sam isn't home, Poppy has been in her room. D has just got up and is watching TV. He said where have you been, I just said to my parents. He hasn't asked me yet, I hope he won't, then I will survive tonight. I have the domestic abuse police hotline on my phone, the website says I can just talk even if I don't want action.
I can't bear feeling like this everything crashing around me, tears just falling. What must the SW think of me, that I'm a headcase. I WISH HE WOULD JUST HIT ME AND I'D BE DONE WITH IT. That is the easy way out, honest.

How would Dave hitting you make a difference? He is hurting you terribly emotionally and just because that does not show on the outside, it isn't any less painful.

Do you feel you need more of an excuse to leave him? I understand the emotional side of it can feel less solid as a reason, but if you are looking for physical abuse, just think of what he did to Sam. That was physical abuse and it was done to your child.

How are things? Do you feel more settled?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Kate, I know hitting isn't the answer, but the SW didn't seem to appreciate the hurt that he is doing, it's not something I can show her, and it comes and goes. But it's always in my head
There has just been a flare between Poppy and D, he was in her face, shouting, spitting his words out, Poppy pushed him away, told him to stop spitting in her face, told him to F off, D is very angry at her for talking to him like that, I am too, told her to stop, please stop, she says no, I'll talk to him however i like, he is out of order, it was an argument about the kids social life, she said what does it matter to you you're out every night. He said @rose@ sort your daughter out, both kids, they're spoilt, SPOILT. I said she doesn't speak to me like that. he said there are going to be some big changes here, the kids say, no way, Poppy said I'll tell the Social worker about you, he said you can tell her what you like, she said I've already told her I'm gobby to you, but I only speak to you the way you speak to me. So she told him she'd spoken to a SW, he has gone to bed without comment. I will wait for tomorrow
I look an absolute wreck, I hope I'll look better tomorrow. I am a bit more settled thank you, ***** ***** afraid anymore today, it will keep for tomorrow.
Goodnight, and thank you so much

I'm sorry that Poppy had to go through that with Dave. She was right, he was being hurtful. His job as a parent is to control his own temper and help Poppy through any conflict, not incite and instigate, then verbally abuse. Poppy had to defend herself, which is scary for a young girl against her father.

I hope tomorrow is better for you. Good night, Rose!



I hope you are doing ok today. I haven't heard from you and I am a bit worried.


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I'm OK Kate,
another horrible day, couldn't get my head together to write, I'll be back after skype.
Thank you

I'm so sorry, Rose. I've been thinking of you all day and hoping you were ok.

Have a good session with K.


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I feel absolutely gutted. I knew this SS visit would be bad, but now I have a very angry daughter, and there has been a family discussion while I've been skyping about it, I feel like I'm on my own and going nowhere.
I had another long conversation with the SW this morning, yes she’d spoken to her manager, not just one, but they all had the same answer, that she has to TRY to speak to everyone. She said she’d phoned Sam on his mobile this morning, he was in the van with D, he had missed the bus, so he said he could see her tomorrow, but not talk then. I don’t know if D wanted to know anything, I haven’t seen Sam yet this evening. She then asked permission to talk to Poppy again, I said sure, but was concerned that she’d be on her own. She made the appointment, and then I had several texts from Poppy saying why did she have to go again, she wouldn’t go, didn’t want to talk. I said Sam is going to see her tomorrow, she said when, then she must have got hold of Sam, bc I had a text from him saying NO. SW phoned me when the meeting was meant to happen to say the P had refused to leave her lesson and wouldn’t talk to the teachers. The head of year has talked to the SW to find out what is happening, said there have been no flags raised at school. I texted P after school, she says she doesn’t want to talk to her bc she will just be upset, it will do no good and she will feel bad. I said I wanted to talk about it when I got home, but she said not; I said maybe we could write an email together, she said maybe.
SW will try to get hold of D in the morning and make a time to speak to him. She said if everyone refuses to talk then there is nothing they can do, they don’t want to force their way into the family, but would like to help. I told her that Poppy told D last night that she has spoken to a SW, he said tell them all you want. But talking to her just now she is very angry, why are they interfering, She's got nothing to say to them. She said she took Poppy's words and twisted them (I can imagine D planting those words in her head in my absence), saying that she didn't have a good relationship with D. I can see that I'm the bad guy here, I'm going to have to leave, it'll be me that'll have to go, but that will be the end of me.
I had a referral to the Domestic violence and abuse service, have been asked a series of standard questions and scored (11), which means I will be allocated an Outreach Worker for support, as of next week. That's too far away.
A difficult session with k, she couldn't understand the kids reaction to seeing the Social Worker, wanted me to help her understand why they wouldn't speak to her. I don't really know, except that they want to keep it between these 4 walls. I told him I want him to beat me, she said emotional abuse goes so much deeper than physical, she understands my need for 'proof'.
Right now I just feel like giving up, and slowly (or quickly) slipping away, stop the struggling. I have had enough.
Goodnight Kate


It sounds like the social worker has caused quite an upheaval in your family. Anytime you have someone from the outside trying to come into the family to look around, there is going to be upset. But it will be even worse in a family with abuse going on.

When there is abuse in the family, the members of the family will bond together even closer. Although you would think there would be total division (and there is on a certain level), the bond is over shame and keeping the family secret about the abuse. Poppy and Sam have grown up their whole lives with Dave abusing them. His abuse has instilled fear and shame within both of them. So when the social worker tries to get them to talk about the family secret, they get upset and refuse. Part of that is the shame, and part of that is the trauma of having to talk about it and therefore having to face it. Poppy already has issues with seeing the reality of it and with protecting Dave. Sam also has symptoms, including anger issues, and may refuse just based on his own feelings about it.

The kids are not angry at you. They learned from Dave that when something goes wrong to point the finger at you. They are mimicking the behavior they understand. You have been the kicking dog of your marriage all of the kids' lives. It's all they know. Not accepting Dave's abuse would address that issue. But since there are co dependency issues involved, standing up for yourself is not easy right now. So by default, you get the blame. In reality, the kids realize what is going on but feel powerless to stop it so they follow the family dynamic of blaming you, just as Dave does.

How this all turns out depends very much on how you want it to turn out. You are in charge. You are the breadwinner, the parent and the person with all the control. How you choose to use it depends on you. You can give it to Dave and leave the family yourself or you can use what you have and get him to leave. Poppy and Sam will deal with either situation. They may not like either one, but they will cope.

You may need some time to step away from all of this and get perspective. Are you seeing Adele this week? Talking to her can help. Also, if you feel that any more questions from the social worker would not help, you can always put a stop to the inquiry. It would be good to have them involved and helping, but if you do not feel you would accept any of the assistance they offer, then it may not be worth it. Can you also talk with your sister or your friend Cathy? Talking this out with someone will help you find support and clear your mind. I am here as well anytime you need to talk.

Good night Rose. This will pass and things will settle. It just takes time.


TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you Kate,
I should talk. I emailed Adele to ask if we could talk. She hasn't replied. I will see her tomorrow. I might get a chance to speak to Cathy later, I can't talk to my sister right now.
Sam is home. He is angry about the SW, K wanted me to talk to him, make him realise talking would help. But I can't he is too volatile at the moment.
I am so exhausted

Let me know what happens with Adele. I hope you are able to talk with someone today. It will help you gain perspective and help you feel less anxious.