I know Kate, thank you, ***** ***** lucky
I hate the feelings of doubt, and it's bc D is just carrying on as normal, has no idea of what is afoot, and I feel my plans are a real burden to me, yes overwhelming, exhausting, ill-making.
I don't want him in my life, only that I will cause upset, sadness for everyone. I think I was looking at a compromise, but he won't accept that I don't want to be his partner anymore, in a relationship with him, I was thinking about his questioning me about the brief conversation I had with Mark outside the pub, and his 'paranoia' about who I'm talking to so much online (you!) But I don't want a compromise, I just struggle to be the bad guy. I will lose nothing if he goes, I'm really not trying to keep him here, he is of NO use at all. I have looked more closely at his accounts (not worked on them, just done some calcs for my benefit) and am certain that he hasn't contributed anything to the household over the last year, and any profit he has made has gone on him only, plus that which he got from selling the tractor (was that in the last year, maybe before).
I am watching his input as a husband and father, making mental (and JA) notes, telling myself, look, he does nothing in his expected role in this house, he just makes more work for me, and upsets everyone. I'm hoping that the opposite will happen, but he can't go any more in the other direction, but anything he DOES do for the good of home and family makes a big impact, so I don't want there to be any more of those things. I'm NOT going to ask him to fix the door lock, I've found a chisel and I will do it myself. The house has been without security for all that time.
Poppy had several friends here earlier, in Sam's room, the local meeting place it seems (though not for much longer I hope). This afternoon before D went out the phone rang, no-one answered it in time, it rang again. Someone answered it in Sam's room, and Poppy brought the phone in for D. The caller (who we know from the village) said what's going on in your house, he said yeah there are several teens and music playing where the phone was answered. She said she could hear someone shouting 'Poppy, take the f***ing phone!' He said that was out of order, the caller could have been anyone, a client... I said well, you should go and speak to them, tell them they're not to use language like that, to be respectful in someone else's home. He said no, no point in talking to them. Well, I thought there was a lot of point, but didn't argue with him more than saying he should regardless. So I braved the room of teens (and I had to swallow plenty of anxiety
), told them all I needed a word, about the phonecaller, that I know bad language is pretty usual these days, but please to think when and where they are before speaking like that, and to please be respectful. Poppy asked who was on the phone, I said it doesn't matter, just think. Poppy went in to ask D who was on the phone. He told her, (the electrician's wife), then gave her a difficult time over it, she said it wasn't her, not to have a go at her. It did
cross my mind to comment on the despicable language he was yelling at me in the street on Tuesday evening before dark, across the road from 2 little girls' bedrooms. I should say something, it has gone completely without comment, he has got away with it.
YES, FEAR, MY ROADBLOCK TO FREEDOM. I can't stop what is going to happen now, I will have to go with it, I will see it through, what would be the point of going back, I just need to keep talking about how I feel when I feel, but my aim is not going to be any different no matter how I feel, and as K says, I am so meticulous, I have to think every-which-way, and that is why I am so grateful that I can talk to you when I think and feel, and you can tell me up, down, left, right! Forwards, but not backwards.
Sam and I have brought the ponies over from their stable to the paddock here. They had been in the stable for 2 weeks, and 4 weeks, and were desperate to get out. Sam doesn't like ponies, but he was good enough to help me, Poppy out, and D not offering before he left. I opened the stable gate, Sam had hold of the Shetland, she shot out, I was glad he had her, I couldn't have held her, she has amazing strength. Juniper followed rapidly kicking and bucking, wouldn't be caught, until we went out into the lane with the Sh, then he wanted to come too. A fun walk home, Sam did really well, but he wasn't impressed with his charge who tried to bite him!! They're having a lovely time in the paddock, and I'm really pleased to have them home.
Do you mind if I put a few questions out when you're online so that I have a little bank of them to post on when you're not online (now I have my sub)?