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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi Kate................................................................

Hey Rose,

I could not agree more with Dr. Seuss! Yes, it will get better. So many people care about you, Rose, me included!

Talk to you soon,


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I know Kate, thank you, ***** ***** lucky
I hate the feelings of doubt, and it's bc D is just carrying on as normal, has no idea of what is afoot, and I feel my plans are a real burden to me, yes overwhelming, exhausting, ill-making.
I don't want him in my life, only that I will cause upset, sadness for everyone. I think I was looking at a compromise, but he won't accept that I don't want to be his partner anymore, in a relationship with him, I was thinking about his questioning me about the brief conversation I had with Mark outside the pub, and his 'paranoia' about who I'm talking to so much online (you!) But I don't want a compromise, I just struggle to be the bad guy. I will lose nothing if he goes, I'm really not trying to keep him here, he is of NO use at all. I have looked more closely at his accounts (not worked on them, just done some calcs for my benefit) and am certain that he hasn't contributed anything to the household over the last year, and any profit he has made has gone on him only, plus that which he got from selling the tractor (was that in the last year, maybe before).
I am watching his input as a husband and father, making mental (and JA) notes, telling myself, look, he does nothing in his expected role in this house, he just makes more work for me, and upsets everyone. I'm hoping that the opposite will happen, but he can't go any more in the other direction, but anything he DOES do for the good of home and family makes a big impact, so I don't want there to be any more of those things. I'm NOT going to ask him to fix the door lock, I've found a chisel and I will do it myself. The house has been without security for all that time.
Poppy had several friends here earlier, in Sam's room, the local meeting place it seems (though not for much longer I hope). This afternoon before D went out the phone rang, no-one answered it in time, it rang again. Someone answered it in Sam's room, and Poppy brought the phone in for D. The caller (who we know from the village) said what's going on in your house, he said yeah there are several teens and music playing where the phone was answered. She said she could hear someone shouting 'Poppy, take the f***ing phone!' He said that was out of order, the caller could have been anyone, a client... I said well, you should go and speak to them, tell them they're not to use language like that, to be respectful in someone else's home. He said no, no point in talking to them. Well, I thought there was a lot of point, but didn't argue with him more than saying he should regardless. So I braved the room of teens (and I had to swallow plenty of anxiety), told them all I needed a word, about the phonecaller, that I know bad language is pretty usual these days, but please to think when and where they are before speaking like that, and to please be respectful. Poppy asked who was on the phone, I said it doesn't matter, just think. Poppy went in to ask D who was on the phone. He told her, (the electrician's wife), then gave her a difficult time over it, she said it wasn't her, not to have a go at her. It did cross my mind to comment on the despicable language he was yelling at me in the street on Tuesday evening before dark, across the road from 2 little girls' bedrooms. I should say something, it has gone completely without comment, he has got away with it.
YES, FEAR, MY ROADBLOCK TO FREEDOM. I can't stop what is going to happen now, I will have to go with it, I will see it through, what would be the point of going back, I just need to keep talking about how I feel when I feel, but my aim is not going to be any different no matter how I feel, and as K says, I am so meticulous, I have to think every-which-way, and that is why I am so grateful that I can talk to you when I think and feel, and you can tell me up, down, left, right! Forwards, but not backwards.
Sam and I have brought the ponies over from their stable to the paddock here. They had been in the stable for 2 weeks, and 4 weeks, and were desperate to get out. Sam doesn't like ponies, but he was good enough to help me, Poppy out, and D not offering before he left. I opened the stable gate, Sam had hold of the Shetland, she shot out, I was glad he had her, I couldn't have held her, she has amazing strength. Juniper followed rapidly kicking and bucking, wouldn't be caught, until we went out into the lane with the Sh, then he wanted to come too. A fun walk home, Sam did really well, but he wasn't impressed with his charge who tried to bite him!! They're having a lovely time in the paddock, and I'm really pleased to have them home.
Do you mind if I put a few questions out when you're online so that I have a little bank of them to post on when you're not online (now I have my sub)?
Thanks Kate!

Hey Rose,

No problem with putting the questions out there when I'm on. I just wanted to let you know that so you can while I'm working on your answer.

I'll send your response soon,


I agree with you that Dave would probably not accept a compromise in your situation. In cases of abuse, it is almost always an all or nothing situation. The nature of abuse, as you know, is control, and for Dave to give that up voluntarily would mean he could not abuse you any longer. He needs to have someplace to put his feelings, as well as someone to support him, and because of that, he would probably not be able to control himself from putting those things on you if he is in the home.

I know it's easy to think of yourself as the bad guy here. It is not only how Dave categorizes you (it's a control tactic to keep you from doing anything to defend yourself), but it is also how you view defending yourself and having rights. But just because Dave uses the label on you to control you does not mean it's true. Do you feel any other woman is a bad guy for having rights in her marriage? What if she doesn't like something and says so? Does that make her a b****, as ***** *****kes to refer to you as if you choose to voice your opinion? Why can Dave have opinions, scream and yell, physically hurt the kids and demand he be waited on and not be the opposite of b****? Not to mention the derogatory nature of the word itself. It is a put down, meant to demean, and hurt you so you don't stand up for yourself or the kids. And so he can continue to abuse, freely.

It is ok to be meticulous, as K says. Thinking this all through from every angle before you make a move will help you later when the doubts creep in. You will remember that no matter how you tried to fix this, it could not be fixed. You have tried. You have stayed, talked to Dave, went to counseling, reached out to others in your life and most of all, made the best go of it as you could. And no matter what you have tried or who you have talked to, the answer is always the same. In the long run, that will be good to remember and will help you feel you did the right thing.

I'm glad to hear the kids were willing to help you with the ponies. I hope that will continue so you don't have to shoulder the burden yourself.

Talk to you soon,

TherapistMarryAnn and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks so much for collecting all my questions from the queue. I'm going to try to keep to the rules, one accept per question, it's just sooo much easier to keep going on the thread!
I've been making notes for an email to the SW if I'm allowed to email her, going through old emails etc. Dave has been out since 2pm, dread to think what state he'll be in.
I'm out tomorrow in Cornwall for the day. Hope the weather is going to be good. I'll catch you in my evening. Hope you're having a good Sunday,
Goodnight Kate,

You're welcome, Rose. I know it can be a pain to try to open new questions all the time.

Let me know how your email turns out and if she responds.

Enjoy your day tomorrow! I'll talk with you whenever you get back.