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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I lie all the time to make me look better and avoid

Resolved Question:

I lie all the time to make me look better and avoid conflict. What is wrong with me. I am destroying my loved ones.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 5 years ago.
Hi there!! I hope to be of some help here; it sounds as if your self-confidence may be in need of some boosting so that you can feel confident in the truth of both your choices and yourself. What have you tried already in an attempt to make a change in this particular behavior, and has there been any circumstance where telling the truth traumatized you in some way? I will wait for your reply with further information, and then offer my suggestions... :-)
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
My spouse and I separated last april for about two weeks. We did not really reconcile. We live together and sleep together but we only make love when we steal a week-end away. She tells me she cannot trust me because I lie all the time. My last lie was a little one but I had told her I had paud for her to Golf last year at a charity golf tournament. She asked me last year and I lied and said yes and she asked me two weeks ago and I said yes. Then the organizer asked if she was golfing again and she learnt that I had not paid. I was in deep trouble with my professional association and when they told me to stop using my business account and be suspended, I lied and opened a separate account just so I could keep in business. My business is failing and so is my marriage. How can I stop lying?
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 5 years ago.

The first step is in admitting that you have a problem, so congrats!!... and the second is to look at what it is that you are trying to get by doing it.

  • Is it prestige?
  • Is it attention?
  • Is it to cover up for forgetting?
  • Is it to look good?

Once you determine what the payoff is that you get from it, you can look for different, more healthy alternatives to get these emotional needs met. Also, once you determine the payoff, then you'll want to turn your attention to the consequences and remind yourself simply, "is the inevitable punishment really worth the crime?" Is the damage you may cause really worth the short-term payoff? It takes awareness, meeting your needs in responsible healthy ways, and realizing that you are creating a "brand" in how you market yourself in the world. You alone are in control of how you will be perceived, and these are simple choices to either keep your dignity and be honest with those you matter to you, or to be portrayed as someone who cannot be trusted. This is your choice; we create our own realities.

Here is a link to some simple steps, and as I said, awareness of the consequences you are creating and choosing to live your life among is the first and most important step:

You can do this!! Please let me know if this was helpful... or if you have further questions or more information to share! I'm here to help!!

Heidi LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 5 years ago.
One more thought: If you make a mistake, admit it. No one is perfect, and it is ok to not be perfect. Keep telling yourself this... over and over... until you believe it. If you have regrets, admit them. If you have made mistakes in the past, admit them. Trust can be regained, but words are useless until the actions prove the words... so make the conscious decision today to quit fooling yourself and those you love... and get your life back on course to achieve everything you hope to!