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I married my childhood sweetheart and fell head over heels

in love with him, as...
I married my childhood sweetheart and fell head over heels in love with him, as he did me. After a turbulent 2 and a half years of his family rejection of us getting together, we got married a year ago and now my husband wants a divorce. Much of the time I have been with him, he has been very controlling, to the point where I have had to send a photo to prove where I am. The thing is, HE betrayed me, i found 100s of texts to other women at a time when he was planning our first anniversary then he blamed me for need attention. I do believe he has a psychotic disorder. I do not claim to be faultless and I have said so to him, even asking for counseling which he refuses. His character is such that he is very childish, sulky and materialistic. When it came to him leaving my house he just grabbed what he paid for and that's all he concentrated on because it was his only way on staying in control. But it hurts still so much. he has a child of 11 and I do not haveany. i wanted to have a family with him but now I am heartbroken. He says we cannot get back what we had and that he still loves me butnow the fight is getting dirtier. I feel very low about it all because I meant my vows and he seems to be wanting to get out of marriage No 2 without even trying.
he's been gone from the house for 6 weeks and in that time I have even made sure he had one of the business vehicles to get to work. Now I have taken them both back he blames me for his child getting upset because his child thinks he won't be able to see him much without transport. His wage is 4 x mine yet he says he has no money 2 weeks into every month. I have helped him with shopping and fuel and a lot of perks he's had have come from my business. I feel very used.
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Answered in 28 minutes by:
4/13/2012
Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified
Heidi LPC :

Hi there! I hope to be of some assistance to you... I am sorry that you are in such a situation...

Heidi LPC :

The communication is broken; he isn't willing to reconsider, and yet there is probably a part of you that knows that the relationship wasn't healthy as it was.

Heidi LPC :

You have no control in this situation, and you are probably feeling powerless as a result. My advice to anyone in this position is to focus for a bit on yourself, and try to determine what you can do to gain your own power back, rather than focusing on things that you have no control over.

Heidi LPC :

When we choose to surround ourselves with people who make us feel less than we really are, we choose the consequences of feeling that way. This thinking can be changed, and although heartbreak is never easy, it gives us an opportunity to consider the traits that we would really want in a mate, and to begin to identify who to surround ourselves with that lifts us up rather than pulling us down.

Heidi LPC :

There is never any excuse for accepting less in a relationship that what you truly deserve, and it is within your power to analyze what it is about him that has you in his grasp, still, after all the broken trust and the lies and the mistreatment.

Heidi LPC :

Only you know the answer to this; I see that you are offline now, but I will check back to see if you have replied or have any further questions or information to share. Remember, you are the captain of your own ship; it will be more helpful to surround yourself with people who are more like sails... and less like anchors. Hang in there; I'll check back again soon!!

Customer:

I have been lucky to have my mum and a selection of good friends who seem to have experienced similar heartache.All that frustrates me is that he hasn't recognised his own faults in the way i feel he has been unreasonableto me, asking where I a

Customer:

where I am,where am i going, who I ahve spoken to or been with. it didwear me down and he is the type to dig his heels in. he says he still lvoes mebut he said to me he wants me to 'fight' for my husband.

Customer:

I am not one to beg but he neither said sorry or given me info on what exactly went on in these deleted texts. It was a friend of ours that offerd him sex with no strings amd he thought i ahd set it up but he knew by my reaction that i ahd no idea. He even continued to text her and went for a massage and a back wax as she had her own beauty salon. i feel utterly betrayed yet he thought i shouldnt bring it up.

Heidi LPC :

You deserve to be trusted, and to not have to prove anything to him after he was dishonest and was willing to step out on the marriage in that way.

Customer:

if i had betrayed him he would not have been half as generous as I have been, helping him out. I was sacred of his reaction if i took back what was rightly mine and it's like he cares more about having a car than a marriage.

Customer:

i feel a fool to have helped him yet he gave no concern about me running the house on my own, havingto take in a lodger to cover ,y basic bills

Heidi LPC :

If that is how it feels, then I would suggest that is how it is... and you have to decide if that is what you really want as a marriage, and as a life.

Customer:

the thing is i still fancy him and want him to hold me. i cant imagine wanting that with someone else

Customer:

i have self harmed too because i wanted to take the pain away and he says im mental. He has threatened to kill himself several times in the last 2 years yet I stood by him

Heidi LPC :

And that, I can tell you with absolute certainty, will pass. Once you imagine a partner who is honest and emotionally stable, and really loves you for who you are, and who can provide and give to you, you will wonder why you ever settled for less!

Heidi LPC :

All self-harming does is to cause your bosy to release pain-relieving chemicals; you can get the same lift from a long walk, or a run... please, choose health over this.

Heidi LPC :

body! Not bosy! Sorry! ;-)

Customer:

I feel sad that even through 'better or worse' I am still willing to work at it. i never wanted to marry and end up divorced, even after everything he has put me through. I am on anti depressants as I suffer from social phobia and I worry that I get so low i feel I cannot go on.

Customer:

I feel such loss like grief

Heidi LPC :

Make the choice for health, and love of yourself. Taking good care of yourself by surrounding yourself with healthy people, choosing to look ahead and not behind...

Heidi LPC :

Of course you are grieving a loss right now; sadness is just a part of this. While you are working through it, it is important to take extra special care of yourself, and do things that you find comforting. Be with people who love you, eat comforting food, try to get sleep; treat yourself as gently as you would a newborn baby while you heal.

Customer:

i have tried to be positive but he has threatened to make a claim on my house. I do not know how I am going to cope with the blatent harshness from him when I still love him. i do not want to rush into a divorce as we are both highly emotional. Do you think I shoudl let him file for it.

Customer:

when i see friends wih=th their husbands all i think about is that is something we once had

Heidi LPC :

It is always beneficial to move slowly through things like this; and not rush on your part. If he files, you will adjust and you will survive. You have to keep telling yourself things that are positive in this regard; "self-talk" must be uplifting as much as possible. You are sad now and missing what you used to have; yet, the last period of time was not like that and you must remind yourself of that reality.

Heidi LPC :

You will have that again. In a much healthier way.

Customer:

when i read your advice, it's like it's happening to someone else. I worry that I will do something just to try and block it all out and end what I am feeling. It is this time of night when i feel the gap more and I am a sensible person but i understand why people get to a point where they don't want to 'feel' anymore.

Heidi LPC :

I know. It hurts. But heartache isn't a terminal condition; it is temporary. It eases up with time, and eventually passes... trust me.

Customer:

the thing is I have always been with someone since i was 16 and this is the first time I havebeen on my own, it's scarey and lonely. i just want my husband to be sorry, love me and want to be with me, as husband and wife. I guess i am beingnaive to think fairytales come tru

Customer:

a friend of mine said i should create as much distance as possible from him and not contact him.

Customer:

sorry for going on but i feel scared

Heidi LPC :

It sounds like your self-image and confidence are tied to someone elses approval, and the need to be validated outside of yourself. You are enough, all alone, without another person... and your self-confidence may need a boost in some way besides a man's approval and attention.

Heidi LPC :

You deserve the right to be... exist... just as you are and to get to know WHO you are right now, rather than be a victim of someone else's insecurities.

Customer:

i've always been very insecure, particularly about other women and any attention to anyone else, whether it be images etc which he knows would hurt me but he did it anyway. I alwasy think I can never be as good as the woman he looks at in the street ro a woman in a magazine

Heidi LPC :

And this is why I say, NOW is the time to explore who you are... as an individual, who has EVERY RIGHT to be loved and adored, but FIRST by herself.

Heidi LPC :

If you don't love and adore who you are first, no one else will!!

Heidi LPC :

That behavior of his was abusive...

Heidi LPC :

when you know something will hurt someone, but you do it anyways...

Customer:

the thign is meeting someone new would feel like a betrayal to him and to what my heart is feelinh. i'm notgetting any younger and my biological clock is ticking loudly and i worry i would be a crap mu becasue of ,my insecurities and so far NO ONE has ever wanted that with me, makes me think there is something unworthy in me

Customer:

a crap mum **

Heidi LPC :

You may just be looking at this in an unhealthy way... or in a way that is unhealthy for yourself... you are the sum total of your thoughts about yourself. Dispute these negative thoughts; this is rubbish!!

Heidi LPC :

It would be much more helpful for you to say "I am worthy, I am a caring and wonderful woman. I will be a loving and nurturing mom. I deserve the very best, ***** ***** WILL find it."

Customer:

i am so grateful for this service. Although I am not financially well off by any means, i do not know what I would have ended up doing if you weren't there to answer. I guess i will have to try my hardest despite the turmoil I may now face. When I havebeen getting on with seeing friends,he turns around and says oh you're happy getting on withyour life, you dont ned me

Customer:

then i tell him i love him, like i am weak

Heidi LPC :

You don't have to think about the future... just stay in this moment now, and do something gentle and nurturing. Take a warm bath, put on soft pajamas. Stretch your tense muscles, drink some warm milk. This process of separating will move slowly, you will have weak moments. But, keep focused on emotional and mental health. Keep focused on your RIGHT to be respected and treated with love and kindness. It is your RIGHT.

Heidi LPC :

It is a heartache, nothing but a heartache. This too shall pass....

Customer:

i am fearful of the time he may start seeing someone. i would be devastated and i know it sounds mad but when things start to slip away you just want to grab them back, even just for the closeness we once shared

Heidi LPC :

Don't let him manipulate you or make you feel less than you truly are. Don't give him that power.

Heidi LPC :

Keep your power... use it to create the life you always wanted.

Heidi LPC :

You WILL survive this, and not only survive, but THRIVE.

Customer:

power is what drives him. He is a policeman and he likes to give the image of the perfect understanding officer yet he treats me like this

Heidi LPC :

Abuse comes in all shapes and forms. But they need a willing victim; this you will no longer be.

Customer:

Will i be able to acces this conversation so I can read it back? I may need it to help my recovery

Heidi LPC :

If it is meant to be, it will be.... when you are both in a place of health.

Customer:

Can you love someone too much? i feel i may have done this but i havenever felt love like it before

Heidi LPC :

Yes; this chat will remain in the "my questions" tab at the top of your screen; you can access it again, or me, anytime.

Heidi LPC :

Co-dependency is more of what you seem to be experiencing... you are putting all of your self-worth in his hands, instead of in your hands, where it belongs. You are idealizing him; purposefully reminding yourself of what was so good, when in reality, he was abusive and dishonest and hurt you... repeatedly.

Customer:

well Heidi, i cannot thank you enough for your advice. Having someone with a different perpeective who is on the 'outside' has been enlightening. I will be happy to pay the fee and hope that I can start to gain some strength from this conversstion. the internet has some very positive aspects.

Heidi LPC :

You are more co-dependent that in love, it seems. You have placed your self-image in his hands, instead of your own hands, where it belongs.

Heidi LPC :

You are remembering the good times instead of the reality of his abuse, dishonesty and such. You are idealizing him instead of facing the reality of what it really was.

Customer:

sorry for my spelling errors, i think i need some sleep. I have had some good days where i feel i can cope but i dread the days like this when i feel a failure and wish for his arms around me, i feel no one else can give me

Heidi LPC :

Please, read this as often as you need to... and let me know how things are going. Take spectacular care of yourself now; I will be here if you need me again!!

Heidi LPC :

You WILL survive this!!!!!!! TRUST ME!!!!

Customer:

THANK YOU.I will try those positive steps, as hard as it will be. I feel a fool as our wedding was the wedding everyone was talking about because we went out when we weer aged 7til 11

Heidi LPC :

Don't look back; things change, and sometimes for the better. Be well... get some sleep now!!

Customer:

You must have lots of other people to assist now so I will go. THANK YOU SO MUCH. Your advice has helped but I think I will need to read through it more when I am in a more positive frame of mind.

Heidi LPC :

Take good care... :-)

Heidi LPC :

It is my pleasure!

Customer:

Kindest regards ***** ***** care too :-)

Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified
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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
278 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor

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