I feel good about it, I think. I did feel heard, and like she wanted to understand. And as I said, I think she did understand the main points. She took it very seriously, it seemed. I actually think that the fact that she thought I had gotten her messages (she had also called work, apparently, and told Nic who it was but didn't leave a message - she assumed he told me she called, but he didn't), and didn't call her back and the fact that she's been thinking since Tuesday that I just didn't show up to my appointment, helped, because she obviously had reviewed, in her mind and her notes, everything that went on in the past several sessions.
She seemed to feel like she really let me down. I don't want her to feel bad, and that made me feel bad, but it validated what I was feeling, because I did feel let down. But when she explained what she was seeing, what she had seen before, and why she thought I was just crying and didn't see that something else was going on, it really made sense to me. Plus - that was the first time we had changed rooms, and I was sitting in a chair instead of on the couch, where I always sit, I was sitting indian style (apparently now the PC version is "criss-cross-applesauce"?? :] ) And she said ended up almost curled into myself, so she couldn't see well, and she was sitting off to the side of me - not across from me. A lot of things were different that day anyway. But I also really, really appreciated that she said these things in a way to explain what happened and that it wasn't that she didn't care or wasn't concerned with what was going on, but not at all like she was trying to make excuses. It makes me feel like she accepts responsibility to keep me safe and okay while we're in there, and that it was appropriate for me to think I could rely on her for that (even though it didn't turn out well).
She seems to really care and really want to help me. She seemed pretty upset, I could tell, but she didn't act like it, other than to express she felt bad about what it meant for/to me, which was good, I think, because it didn't become about her.
And the biggest thing she "got," which I'm not sure I had even totally thought through - is that because she didn't recognize what was going on, and didn't do anything about it, she left me by myself to deal with it, which is EXACTLY how I felt after the incident happened.
She said she was so floored when I told her what had been going on that evening, and then more surprised when I told her more in the letter. She just felt really bad.
Bot***** *****ne is I feel like a lot of it was a communication problem, although the EMDR thing was not. I feel like she really does care and really does want to help me. I was wrong about her giving away my appointment, and I believed her when she said that she didn't feel any less motivated to help me. It doesn't mean it will work out - the communication is a problem. But I sometimes just can't explain things so she understands. It frustrates me and I can tell it frustrates her, when I just say "forget it." Maybe that will get better, maybe not. But I think at least we will be more likely to ask "is this what you are saying?" and even if we don't know exactly what the other means, at least we can rule out some things that were NOT meant.
I don't know that she "tunes out" in our sessions, but she does go off sometimes on little tangents - about random things that have no relation to me or my therapy - and sometimes, when she says things, I just want to cock my head and say "what the heck are you talking about?" But I don't bother when it has nothing to do with therapy and is just chit-chat. Other times, it does seem to take her a long time to "put things together" or figure things out, when think she should have found it pretty obvious. I figure that if I can make the connection after I say something, then she should have, since that is what she is trained to do. But maybe I am wrong in expecting that. I don't know. Sometimes she has great insight, and sometimes, it seems like she is totally lacking. So - she does do weird things, but I don't know, either, if it is just her or something going on. I know she is having major sleep apnea issues. She has gone through the sleep study, too, and the number of times and length of time she stopped breathing totally is disturbing. Yet - she hasn't done anything to get her machine yet or anything. I told her I was surprised she wasn't brain damaged for lack of oxygen. So maybe that's part of it. (I mean lack of sleep - not that she actually has suffered brain damage). I don't know.
I do agree my med dosage was up too high. I can't tell if it works for what it is intended anyway, since I have no idea what I'm doing when I'm asleep, unless I hit myself or something, which didn't happen very often anyway.
A question - when I was walking out the door last night, she told me to call her. I am assuming she means to call her if I need to, right? I have an appointment with her on Monday and nothing I need to talk to her about .... certainly she doesn't expect me just to call for the sake of calling?
I had to look up your French phrase :]
良い日をお過ごし下さい, 楽しくお過ごし下さい (Good luck with this )
(that's my name)