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I am contacting you to seek some advice because it affects

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Hello, I am contacting you to...
Hello,
I am contacting you to seek some advice because it affects the way I am thinking as a 34 years old man who got a 63 years old friend who got no friends but do have but don't bother to visit them or take them out etc. He is a person who is polite but crafty in some ways. I feel that he makes me feeling guilty sometimes for not visiting him sometimes and that he often stay at home lying on the sofa watching the tv and doing the same thing every day and is not in employment. He is a nice fellow but he is so lazy and he lives 100 KM away from here and he hopes to move to my area and he says things like when I move to your area I will do this and that e.g excerise and so on He is talking like bollocks cos he should have been able to do the exactly the same in his area as his area is similar to my area. I feel that he is trying to win his aim rather than for a real reason e.g hoping to move to be closer to me and that I got a partner who dislike him so much as he finds him strange but is not to me because he helps me with my business and he gives me money as well. Today, I asked him what is he doing for Easter and he says like reading the newspaper and he talked about something else to try and fob me off from asking him any further questions - do you see what I mean? Sometimes, I feel so annoyed to see him sitting there every day doing the same feeling sorry for himself and says to me back to square one etc and he is not depressed because he was brought up by his Mum until her death in 1997 e.g lives with his Mum on and off and she looks after him etc etc. I think he is lost in some ways not knowing what to do unless i am there to guide him - do you see what I mean? Right now, I just need to know that i am not selfish for doing nothing about him and that I need to know where I stand in the future. What he have done for me is his problem and nothing to do with me but of course I will be there to help him out as a way of thanking him. Oh dear!
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 1 hour by:
4/8/2012
Mental Health Professional: Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist replied 5 years ago
Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified
Heidi LPC :

Hi there!After having read your question, I thought to myself, "What a pleasant friendship!" He has helped you, and you have helped him by just being a friend! You seem to be asking, is this enough? Am I supposed to do more for him? And, only you really know the answer to this...

Heidi LPC :

You can't take full responsibility for anyone else in life, except yourself, really. He is an adult, and maybe he has his own set of issues and things that are holding him back... yet, his life is his own creation and within his own power. You may serve as a model for him, or a mentor, or a motivator... but inevitably, his life must be of his own responsibility.

Heidi LPC :

He may need your help, and you have to lay down the boundaries and limits as to what you are willing and capable of doing, and what would be getting into a more co-dependent state in which he was completely demanding and dependent of you and you were on him. Intertwined, so to speak.

Heidi LPC :

You are completely free to make your own choices and live your own life. Do just as much as you feel comfortable doing, and of course you are grateful for his assistance and have told him this. A good rule is that we should never take more than we can give, and always know that "what goes around, comes around"... and so it may be that your greatest gift to him is to demonstrate your own limits, and your own motivation to continue to make your life better each day! I see that you are offline, and so I will await your reply or further questions!! Until then, keep up the great work! :-)

Customer:

Thank you so much for your lovely answer and I appreciate it. He used to live in A and he wanted to move to B to be nearer with me but I found a lovely place which is 100KM away from here and he lives there for 2 years now but still moan about moving to B and I don't know but to be truthful, B is not a safe place for him anymore because its crime is very bad and that C is a much safer place for him at the moment as it is like Miami long beach etc but his motive is just to be in B to be closer to me and I feel heavily pressured because he won't give me space when moving to B because I will be constantly worried about him every day and see him and so on as it is in my nature not to be so cold and unthoughtful if you see what I mean? I tried to make him happy by arranging to have his garden sorted out so he can relax but he still thinks that he will move to B one day etc as he goes on on on about it which is on my nerves. I love him so dearly but he sometimes puts me off by repeating the things over and over again just to make me feeling like arm can't describe it ....thinking......emotional blackmail I think - he does not threaten no but he uses very clever words and way of saying which is translated into something that he gets in return and he thinks I don't see it but I do as i am no fool! ...hopefully you come online so that we can chat.

Customer:

You seems offline still _

Customer:

I will this online.

Customer:

Hello

Heidi LPC :

Hi!!

Customer:

It seems that you are back online :-D

Customer:

So that i can have a chat with you before i go out for the Easter lunch!

Heidi LPC :

I have just read your reply--- you are right on target, in my opinion! There must be a boundary line, and you have put that in place! Nice job!

Heidi LPC :

You can certainly listen to his wishes, but you are under no obligation to make them come to fruition.

Customer:

I agree with you. I just listen to him and have them thrown out of my mind! w

Customer:

Which is sad but he knows himself that I am not listening.

Heidi LPC :

What we give attention to is what we get more of... so give him attention when you chat about things you enjoy... and change the subject when he gets to moving... and he will have to eventually let that subject come up less if he wants your attention.

Heidi LPC :

I hope that makes some sense to helping you feel confident in your approach!

Customer:

Thank you so much

Customer:

One more thing ...

Customer:

He told me that he does not want his brother knowing where he lives and that when he dies then he is not invited to the funeral etc etc I thought far too much on my shoulder and he even says that he wants me to hold his ash until my day is over!

Customer:

I was thinking should I speak to his brother but that is against his wishes though.

Customer:

He even says that his deceased mother told him not to give him anything.

Heidi LPC :

Wow! That is quite a burden for you... I would tell him that as you are not a blood relative, that he needs to write a will with his final wishes written there, and that you feel that you are not quite comfortable with such responsibility... if that is how you feel?

Customer:

I don't mind doing it for him but that will make me looking as if ermm ...that i am taking control of it?

Heidi LPC :

And since he is still alive, I wouldn't recommend getting involved with his brother... it would only put you in the middle of a complicated situation... unless you choose to do so as a favor to him.

Customer:

He said that he leaves everything to me in his will and I felt sad because I am not interested in them and all i want to see him is being happy and have a partner and he says he can't have sex with men because of HIV which is bollocks because HIV nowadays is far better than 20 years ago so he keeps making excuses etc etc etc and he says like when I catch HIV then I will be dead! lol I told him NO you are ignorant you have to go to sex education to learn it better and he says like missing men - listen, you can see that it is getting heavier and heavier!!

Customer:

I am not getting involved but the problem is that he has not written a will yet so when anything happens to him then what happens to his house? You see.

Customer:

I told him to leave it to his brother but he said no as it is against his mother's wishes.

Customer:

Yes, it sounds completed and heavy but he is a happy and funny and fun loving man but sadly, he was misguided I think.

Heidi LPC :

Sure... he is talking quite a bit... but not taking proper action to assure that his wishes will be followed... I am sure you are both wonderful people, and deserve all the happiness in the world! You sound as a wonderful, supportive friend to him...

Heidi LPC :

I think that you are trying your very best to do the right things for you both, and I admire this! Ultimately, you have to think about your own safety and happiness in the future, while balancing his needs and wishes as well.

Customer:

I agree with you and what I have done is done then if he is happy then leave it. I mean when I hear nothing from him for days e.g 4 days then I send him a texting you okay why quiet and he says oh you are too busy working I leave you alone and that is why etc I told him no you can text me anytime just to say hello etc he goes quiet again for a few days! I give up to be honest because I have done my best and that I have gone over my limitation for him so I leave that in his capable hands to decide his course of action.

Heidi LPC :

That sounds very healthy and reasonable! You are not letting him play emotional games with you, and keeping healthy boundaries... good work!!

Customer:

Great and have a good day and thanks for your time.

Customer:

Bye for now

Heidi LPC :

You are welcome! Enjoy your holiday lunch and be well!!! :-)

Customer:

Yes, Happy Easter to you too!

Heidi LPC :

Thank you!! :-)

Customer:

I don't know why Americans says Happy Holidays when others says tradition words!

Customer:

Happy Holidays is a silly word to me.

Customer:

Have a good day.

Heidi LPC :

Because it is also Passover... ;-)

Customer:

America is not Israel I think.

Customer:

Jewish says Happy Passover and Catholic says Happy Easter.

Customer:

So it should be truthful rather than trying to respect the others I think. Oh well, everybody thinks differently! :-)

Heidi LPC :

LOL!! Yet, my family is Jewish! Anyways, we can both have a wonderful holiday! Enjoy yours!!

Customer:

So do I!

Customer:

My partner is catholic! :-p

Customer:

Bye for now

Heidi LPC :

Bye!! Take good care!! :-)

Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified
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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
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