Yes - that guy was odd. But I could tell as soon as he walked into our sunday school class that he was socially awkward. He doesn't seem to be shy, but says things that are not Germaine to the discussion. He started telling us about how he was bullied terribly by a lot of people growing up and it has made his life difficult, but he has forgiven them. Not really related to what we were discussing at the time, but I figured he really neede to get that out and get some support. I wanted him to feel welcome, since he is new, so I made a point during the greeting time to go down from the alter and shake hands with him and tell him I was glad he was there. He must have taken that as some kind of signal, because after church when Donna and I were wrapping up our mic cords and talking, he came and interrupted and told me he thought he knew me from somewhere and then was telling me some random things. Then when I was leaving, he tol me that he was going to be there last night. So he is definitely socially inept in some ways. But of course I was nice to him. I don't want to low people like that off, because I sense everyone else does, and perhaps tht is why they are how they are. But then sometimes they misinterpret it and end up following me around or asking me out or being creepy. But I thought what he said last night was REALLY creepy.
Those are all good ideas to write to Linda. I hope I have time to write her today before our appointment.
I don't think Linda would have any clue if I were having a flashback, then, because when we are discussing difficult things or I am having memories, I frequently zone out a bit and stare or close my eyes and don't say anything for a while. From what you said, that's exactly what it would look like to her if I were having a flashback.
I was thinking about what you said about me feeling abandoned when she didn't pull me out of what was going on last week after the EMDR. Maybe I did. I realized last night (I realized it before, I think, but I just put it together in my mind last night) that I expect her to take care of me. I know that is not her job, but I think I do. As we discussed, I think I expect her to be a mother - but not like my own mother. She has told me enough about her family that I know she is a good and caring mom. Plus I can just tell. But when she left me hanging (what I felt at the time - I know she don't really), I felt she didn't care enough to do anything to help. And I don't know if that made me have the feelings of shame and embarrassment about her knowing everything I told her, or if that shame and embarrassment made me feel like "no wonder she didint want to help me."
I am not sure which one it was. Do you? Or do you think my assessment is off?
I think I need to be up front with her about the feeling that she is going to act as some kind of "mother" to me. Because maybe she can do something to stop that, because I'm thinking it's not a good thing, and that in itself is kind of embarrassing. Maybe it is good that this whole thin happened, because maybe it will make me stop feeling/thinking that way. I don't mean to view her that way. It just happened.
It seems like I agave a twisted way of thinking of people in my life. Like p - i see her as almost a caretaker. Same, I guess, with Linda. I have a bit of a crush on c, but he is married and is my minister. I think sometimes I would rather hav a relationship with a woman than a man. I see my friends here, especially at church, and P's family more as my family, I see my family as people I love but who are more outsider to my life. It all seems to be twisted around. It's embarrassing. Will it ever be normal, how other people are?
I was talking to p this morning. I think I may go ahead and go to pt practice Tuesday and see what is up and suggest that all 3 of the women and 3 of the men sing Sunday because it isI Easter. Vicki's father in law is very ill, so p pointed out she may not be there anyway. I will try to sing the solo Tuesday night, but if I feel uncomfortable at all, I will tell c I can't do it and have Donna do it. So I will see things through to Easter as to not stress
c out. And then I will talk to him. I don't know why he seems hell bent on having me there all the time. I mean, he has 3 alternate altos, yet instead of putting one of them on the other team, he ended up putting me on both. And Donna is better than me and can learn things in a snap and can sing soprano or alto. And she's been on pt a lot longer than I have. All of them have. Linda thinks he just likes having me around, but I don't get that sense. I guess it I handy of I'm already there, if the drum player is sick, I can fill in (whih I, of course, like), but he could always just call me. It's not like she just doesn't show up. She let him know. I don't know. But I need to hold my ground. It was flattering when he would say he needs me and my kind of voice is what he wants on pt, but I dot believe that now, especially when the other women have such different voices. And if people have said stuff to me and Donna, I'm sure they have told him that I drown the others out. Maybe he thinks the sound people took care of it, but they didn't. Maybe next week when I talk to him, I will have p there. She will back me up.
Another question: some of the meds dr m had me on ha the effect of stimulating my appetite. It was ridiculous. I told her about it, and she wasn't sure if any of the meds could do that, but I did some research and figured out that some people had that experience on doxepin and another one. She took me off the doxepin, which was good. Anyway, since she started playing around with my meds, I've gained like 20 lbs, which is obviously not good. It is stressing me out. I have been walking some and doom the wii fit, and watching what I eat more, and although I haven gained any more, I haven't lost any at all. I'm not sure if it's just the meds (or the meds at all, although I really think it is) or I'm depressed or something and eating more. But is it appropriate for me to ask dr m to either prescribe something that might spark weight loss or maybe to switch my ADD
med from Wellbutrin to a stimulant (although I'd have to watch it because she said in adolescents, they suppress appetite, in the elderly, they stimulate appetite, and in-between it just depends on the person)? I don't wan to seem as though I just want a quick fix and am not willing to put work on, but that's a lot of weight to gain in such a short period of time, and dealing with everything else, the weight gain is upsetting. Do you think I should ask her? I don't want to ask my primary, because dr m knows more of what I am on and have been on.
Last night I didn't sleep quite as well, but still a lot better than it was a week or 2 ago.
Talk to you soon.