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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I dnt know if this is a question but ill tell u whats going

Resolved Question:

hi, i dnt know if this is a question but ill tell u whats going on i hv a friend that i lv ive been with this person for 10 years we hv a open relationship on their end im faithful i recently lost weight and felt really good about myself i hv been involved with my partner and another person (3some) only because my partner likes it when we are all together i feel less than everyone i have had depression and anixety problems all my life and have been doing well until this weekend we made a tost my partner wanted me to make one after they did he said because they have to put up with me that hurt me so and still does i couldnt think and after adding alcohol and my feelings i ended up in a rage that night i ruined the night we made up but im still hurt deeply
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 5 years ago.
Heidi LPC :

Hi there! I hope I can be of some help to you this morning! It sounds like you have worked very hard on your self-confidence and it was hurt by your friend's comment about you... is that kind of what happened?

Customer:

yes

Heidi LPC :

And, have you started to recover from this or is there still some residual pain when you think about it?

Customer:

i still hurt even though he said he didnt mean it that way i dnt know if it was because he said it in front of the third person and it was kinda laughed about as it im unstable i hv known both of them to hv issues and i would never say anything to hurt them i dnt think he meant to hurt me really but it seemed like i was the crazy person in the group and i thought i hd improved so much in the last year

Heidi LPC :

It certainly hurts when people you trust make disparaging remarks, and there may come a time when you decide that being around people who think less of you will be a choice you decide to stop making. However, a few good quotes came to mind when I read your question: the first is from SC Fields: "It ain't what they call you... it's what you answer to".... and the second was "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent", from Eleanor Roosevelt. Your own mind can hurt your worst than any friend can if you choose to let their remarks sink in. By fighting back and getting upset, you were protecting yourself from their negative influence, which you know would knock back the progress that you made. Does that make any sense?

Heidi LPC :

... and the first quote was WC Fields... typing too fast!! ;-)

Customer:

yes i feel now by acting out ive gone back

Heidi LPC :

In what way?

Customer:

i took that whole year away

Heidi LPC :

Is there any other possible way to look at it, such as you put down a boundary to let them know that you won't tolerate being treated as someone less than they are?

Customer:

like my progress of working on myself will never change that thats who i am out of control and unsable instead what i want to be i hv said to him as well as the third party of how to treat me and it was better i feel like i let the most important person down me

Heidi LPC :

Developing one's self-confidence isn't a one-step process, and it doesn't happen overnight. There is a place in your heart which is vulnerable and raw yet, and their words touched it. Learning to have that place affected by someone's words, but not enraged takes practice. You can be compassionate and forgiving of yourself, and say "Look, I am a work in progress. I wish I had reacted more calmly and just said to them that their comments really hurt, and walked away, but I will do that next time. Living and learning is a big part of becoming whole. You can just turn the page of this, apologize for the outburst if you need to, and aks for an apology from them as well, if you need one. But, you have the right to continue to protect yourself from emotional harm while also learning that doing it more calmly will leave you feeling more in control.

Heidi LPC :

You have the right to never let anyone take your power away from you. Remember that.

Customer:

how do i move on its on my mind i feel like im 9years old and my parents are upset with me

Heidi LPC :

I think that giving an apology for the drama of the outburst and saying that you hope they can forgive that part is a start, but I also think they need to hear in a firm fashion that you are sensitive in this way and that if they want to continue having you as a friend and partner, they need to be more cautious of how they treat you. Someone who loves you will not purposefully torment you with hurtful words... and if they do, you should question the health of the relationship. We cannot go back, we can only go forward... and learn from our mistakes. We are mere mortals, and you didn't do anything but protect yourself.

Heidi LPC :

Personally, when people show me who they are, I believe them. I wouldn't be willing to continue to open myself up to people if I was being hurt or left to feel less than myself around them... just a personal viewpoint. I know it feels bad right now, and I also know you can use this as a learning experience in many ways to keep growing stronger in who you are.

Customer:

thank you i will

Customer:

have a good day

Heidi LPC :

I hope this was somewhat helpful to you; this chat will remain in your "my questions" tab so that you can access it or me again if you'd like to!! Keep up the great work on yourself!!

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