There is nothing wrong with how you feel so please don't feel sorry for it. You are allowed to feel however you need to. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about what you are experiencing. This is your journey, not someone else's. It seems from what you are saying that you expect others to judge you and to have an opinion about what you are feeling. But no one else went through this with you, so no one else gets to have an opinion of anything you feel or how long it takes you to work through this.
You do not need God's forgiveness. What I originally said was "God would not have given you the ability to feel if you were not meant to use it. And he would not have given Jesus if we were not meant to be forgiven and be blameless." Whatever you feel your sins were in what happened, it is time to forgive yourself and let go of blaming yourself. Because if Jesus can forgive you for anything, then you can forgive yourself for anything you think you might have done. And you did not do anything wrong. But you seem to feel as if you did. Letting that go is an important part of your recovery.
It is a new concept to you that your parent's taught you to repress and blame yourself for everything, I agree. But hearing it and accepting it are two different things. I'm not sure if you see how much what they did influences your thoughts and feelings about what you went through. It is there, woven into your self blame and how you express your feelings. Being aware of it helps, but accepting that it is blocking your progress is another. And that is what I was trying to clarify with you.
Sharing with your parents would not be an option, I know. It is the desire of any adult who has suffered through trauma to have a parent care enough to support them and help them through. And that is a loss for you. Your parents refuse to be there for you and understand what you need. It can add to the pain of what you feel. It might help you to spend some time soothing your inner child. If you could help her, what would you, the adult Shay, do for her? What would you say? How would you show her you care?
You are not going to explode although you may feel that way. It is your feelings coming to the surface that causes you to feel like this. And since you are used to repressing your feelings most of your life, having these feelings come out now is going to seem overwhelming. But you are not crazy, losing control or falling apart. You will not do any of those things. Eventually, you will work through these feelings and they will become less and less intense.
By the time you talk with Linda tomorrow, you may feel differently than you do now so it depends what is foremost on your mind at the time of your appointment. You can try sitting down and writing out whatever comes to your mind from the past week. If you had to pick highlights, what would they be? And what feelings do you associate with those highlights? You may find that you have so much to talk about that it'll take a few sessions to work through it!
Good night, Shay. I hope you have good dreams.