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MN Psychiatrist
MN Psychiatrist, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 792
Experience:  Physician for 17 years, adult psychiatrist for 13 years working with a wide variety of patients.
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I have been a sufferer of OCD since childhood. Things

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I have been a sufferer of OCD since childhood. Things ranging from fear of getting diseases and religious thoughts. I also would fear I was molesting my baby sister when I would change her diaper. I have become a mother and the fear of touching my children inappropriately has been plaguing me. I have been reading books on it this week and felt I had beat it. Then another intrusive thought came to me about child pornography. Fears that I would like it if I watched it and this was so appalling to me that all I can do is cry. I was doing better last night until I remember that I had watched pornography when I was 19 and I watched barely legal episodes about people and their first time. Then it made me scared that I could be capable of something that bad and that I would enjoy it. I was so nieve at the time and I can't remember exactly what they were but I know I enjoyed it. I know that I would never watch anything that involved an innocent child. But now my mind keeps making me think what if you did watch a younger one and liked it. Since I can't remember it is like my mind playing tricks on making me believe that I did watch a child. Even though I know that I would never do anything like that. But because I can't remember I am so doubtful because of my thoughts. But, I know that my OCD thoughts when I was younger about molesting my sister were OCD because I had never watched pornography. Up until this point I felt like it was OCD now I am afraid that I am just a horrible individual and that I need to be put away and have my kids taken from me. Is this still OCD or am I what I fear?
Thank you for your help.
Hello, I am a psychiatrist.

I'm sorry that you are struggling with this.
This is indeed OCD. Absolutely. Many people tend to think of OCD as just involving a behavioral compulsion, such as compulsive handwashing or checking that the stove is turned off, but people with OCD can and often do have mental compulsions, such as having to tell themselves something X number of times. This can include having to repeatedly tell yourself that you wouldn't do something harmful or bad.

The reality is that people with OCD who have such thoughts are absolutely the last people on Earth who would ever do the things that they fear they might do, whether it is the things you fear you maybe could do or might do or something else.

The fact that you are mortified about the possibility that you could do something bad like what you fear is an indicator about what kind of decent person you are. This iS your OCD, not you as a person.

Are you being treated for your OCD?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
But what about the fact that I had watched the pornography in my question? Is it normal for someone to like what they saw, now I was 19 at the time anyway. I am so upset. I just want to be able to feel like I can hug my kids again. No I am not being treated.
The fact that you watched pornography is tormenting you, but it doesn't have a bearing on your OCD. I don't know what the specifics of what you saw, other than you said it was barely legal; that constitutes being 18 years of age and consenting. Were you referring to that? If you were 19, and aroused by some things you saw that 18 year-olds were doing, that in itself is not abnormal.

OCD is quite treatable, and it is pretty likely that you could get some significant relief from these thoughts if you got treatment.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I am referring to that. I am doubting myself in thinking that what I saw was maybe a younger person and that is why I have these thoughts. I don't really remember specifics, I only remember that they were having their first time or something like that on camera. I can't imagine I would watch anything that wasn't underage but I can't remember and thats what scares me. I keep getting this thought of what if they were 17 or 16 . I don't know if I am remembering something or if it is my mind tormenting me. I can reason that I would be aroused because I was younger. I know for sure that I wouldn;t have watched it if it were a much younger person like 13 or so. This is so embarassing and I feel so much shame. I can't even function right all I can do is cry. So do you think that even if I did see something that was more like a child, (I am not saying that I did) I would pursue it more and not feel bad about it? Even if I did see something I can imagine how horrible I would feel and want to run away from it.
No, you would not pursue it more. This is gut-wenching for you. You would have had such a strong reaction to an underage person that you would not have enjoyed it. My guess is that because it involved someone of an age similar to yours (at the time) that you were able to watch it and enjoy it - as many people would have. The fact that you are SO distraught by this shouts volumes about your desire to be a good person and mother.

In order to get back to functioning, you need some "damage control" in the form of treatment for your OCD; it is treated with SSRI (serotonin) antidepressants, generally requiring the HIGHEST doses (although they are started at low doses). This is key. All too often, people want the benefit that these medications can give, but they want to stay at the lowest (i.e., starting) dose. That is a waste of everyone's time, because they NEVER effectively treat OCD at low starting doses. (They're started at low doses to minimize the risk of side effects, not because such doses are effective.) It is best for this to be handled by a psychiatrist, but many primary care docs do treat OCD - or at least start patients on SSRIs (Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft., etc.) and then refer them to a psychiatrist.

If you do this, it is possible that you could be much better within a few weeks; often people will feel some slight improvement within a week or so.

Please call your doctor today, so you can get some relief. You've suffered way too much.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you and I appreciate your help. I just can't get over this what if I did watch someone way to young and I don't remember. That worries me so much. I am on Zoloft but only 25mg to treat depression and anxiety. Maybe I need more?
This is classic obsessing, for sure.
Zoloft can and does treat OCD, but only at much higher doses: 150mg (minimum) on up to 200mg daily (do not count on anything less than 150mg daily to help OCD.

You should speak to your doctor about getting the Zoloft increased to 50mg ASAP, and then increase to 100mg within 10-14 days, with further increases dependent on how you are doing with it.
MN Psychiatrist and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your help and listening to me. As long as you think that I am not displaying signs of a peodphial I feel a little bit better. I just have to work on this doubt and trust that I would never have watched anything that was involving a child. I usually am so fearful of someone hurting my girls. It has always been one of my biggest fears, I am very careful of who they are with. I protect their innocence all the time.
I understand, and you are welcome. This is only the OCD.