I'm a 20 year old college student, I was hospitalized 2 years ago for suicidal ideations, and was on anti-depressants for about a year and half. I stopped being "depressed" and "suicidal", I slowly got off my meds and stopped overall about 5 months ago. I also stopped going to therapy and counseling once I'd acknowledged my issues and identified them. It is suggested that I may have borderline personality disorder
, or at least possess the majority of the symptoms. Something I've realized I did
not resolve in therapy is about how vindictive I am towards people who I befriend, who I realize to be completely insecure and unstable...when I later on close off the friendship, I cannot get closure. First example: One roommate I had, who I immediately saw as a girl with Daddy issues (raped by father, abandoned, and raised by single mother [not educated, gold digger, owns a nail salon-type], she was attached to her criminal, dishonest and unfaithful boyfriend). When I closed off the friendship because I realized how dumb she was, I kicked her out of the apartment but still proceeded to think of her, and be angry about her afterward. Only when went as far as attempting to ruin her life by exposing her secrets to her mother, did I get closure from her. (Why am I so evil?)
*I later found out that after she moved out, she and her boyfriend lived bonnie and clyde style, and got kicked out of their apartment, he ended up being abusive toward her, she left him and moved back home with her mother, who would not take her in because of having said relationship behind her back. She now lives with her grandmother, attends community college and from what I can see in my online-stalking-skills, her life has come together and I no longer have vindictive thoughts or anger toward her.
Another roommate, who I was very "close" with emotionally, in terms of sharing details of my personal life, was very attached to her live-in boyfriend. Everything was fine with her until she claimed that it was my fault that her dog required surgery (because I left my sealed midol still in its packaging in a plastic shopping bag on the ground, which he destroyed, got into, consumed, while the three of us were away because I asked them to drive me somewhere). She gave me a silent treatment from then on, which didn't bother me because I read her journal which detailed her sudden feelings of hatred toward me.
I later on proceeded to continue dealing with my issues all the while, she and her boyfriend were having a two-way abusive relationship. When I moved out from the apartment, I later found out that he ended up leaving her for her best friend (who was also HIS best friend's ex girlfriend).
She immediately moved on to date/sleep with other guys, also dropped out of university, moved back home.
I still think of how crazy she is, to this day and still physically react when I reiterate the situation out loud or in my head.
and NOW, another previous roommate who I helped make friends for, got a job for, introduced to music, fashion, style, and basically created, (Think Regina George and Cady Herron from Mean Girls) is angering me and taking over most of my thoughts. I of course do not have any homicidal or violent thoughts toward her but I do get very heated in this matter.
I'm not sure why I am like this and I want to get closure so I can move on and think about things that matter.