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RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have seen a therapist a few times. She told me I need more

Customer Question

I have seen a therapist a few times. She told me I need more therapy for PTSD, and extreme anxiety. She told me if I do not take care of this, then I may develop paranoid personality disorder. My fears stem from being sexually abused as a child. Now that I have children I do not trust people, especially men. I am aware that my 'paranoia' is not warranted for most of these situations.
My question is regarding my husband. He is a loving husband and wonderful father. However, I always question his sexual intentions. Will he cheat on me? Will he molest our children? Is he secretly gay? These questions started for me before we had kids, but I have become extremely anxious about it.
A few years ago our toddler was crawling up on him and playing with him. I noticed he had an erection. After a few moments he told our son he was done playing. My son kept trying to play and my husband pushed him off and turned and laid on his stomach. Later I asked him about it and he was defensive.
I watch his every move. During wrestling with our sons he will yell things like 'bum crusher' and 'nut crusher'. He doesn't actually touch them, but he will pretend to hit their groin area with his arm. I told him I'm not comfortable with that and he was hurt and said that he shouldn't be punished for things my father did. I agree, but these things cause me great anxiety.He did say that he will not do it anymore since he knows it upsets me.
A couple months ago my son was complaining of an upset stomach and his bum hurt. I immediately thought: abuse! I took him to the doctor and he was holding his urine too long and constipated. I still doubted the diagnosis. As time went on and I talked to my son more I do agree with the diagnosis.
I do no know what to do. Am I paranoid about my husband, or are these red flags. I am so exhausted worrying about this. Sometimes I do not think our marriage will survive because I am so worried that it won't survive!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  RealSupport replied 5 years ago.
Rafael Morales Toia :

I cannot imagine how overwhelming things may have become for you.

Rafael Morales Toia :

It is obvious your fears are a core issue here undermining every good thing you have in your marriage and family in some way.

Rafael Morales Toia :

I wonder for how long have you known your husband and been married and in such period of time there has been any concrete incidents leading you to believe he is actually a bad parent or spouse.

Rafael Morales Toia :

I do not see any concrete behavior about your husband in your description showing he is homosexual or could have been sexually abusing your children. On the other hand I see your huge concern about that and your urge to prevent it.

Rafael Morales Toia :

We all as parents must be aware and cautious about incidents like that and abuse but if there has not been any concrete behavior telling you your spouse is an abuser, then it is fair ad necessary to confront such ideation and work on the core personal issues creating them.

Rafael Morales Toia :

His reaction when he was playing with your baby years ago was not abnormal or one an abusive father, but one that matches the most common reaction when a parents feel uncomfortable with a scenario like that.

Rafael Morales Toia :

The fact that you acknowledge the presence of all of these fears about your husband’s integrity as a father and spouse from long ago, confirms it is a personal issue from your past traumas-victimization leading to the present issue. Thus the professional who assisted you was right about your need to work on past traumas in order to take good care of yourself and family in the present and to avoid worsening the symptoms you already show, the ones undermining your tranquility and quality of life in your marital and family relationships.

Rafael Morales Toia :

One core concern here is that most times in similar scenarios, spouses get very frustrated and offended by such fears and lack of trust and it ends deeply undermining the marriage, which is truly sad and unfair for everybody on the family including yourself.

Rafael Morales Toia :

When we go through abuse, neglect or trauma and do not have the chance to heal, from venting and processing to receive necessary support, we end developing defenses and distorted ways of beholding things-people , coping and sharing. That’s why it is so important not to delay getting professional counseling support for it and collateral assistance for your husband to know how better to support you on this healing process.

Rafael Morales Toia :

Worrying without taking corrective actions focusing on the core issues creating and fueling the anxiety and dysfunctional fears is useless. You need and deserve to heal, to get real relief and trust about yourself, others and life, and for that you need to consistently work on yourself with professional support. It would take time and real effort, but it is necessary and worthy for sure. Please do not delay it even more. Stick to your own healing so for you to enjoy nurturing your marital and family life as you all deserve.

Take gentle and consistent care, and feel free to contact me for further clarification or support.

Rafael Morales Toia.

JACUSTOMER-y61cts5j- :

Thank you for your response. No, there is no concrete evidence that he is an abuser. These are the only things that have happened and I do watch him all the time. Actually, if my fears are not true, than he is wonderful and supportive. I suppose I always worry that I should have called the police, or didn't do enough when that happened with the baby years ago. My own mother sided with my father when abuse started with us, so I never want to do the same. We have been together for seven years.

RealSupport and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  RealSupport replied 5 years ago.

Then please do get regular professional counseling support to work on your own healing and to enjoy your kids and husband. To have them and healthy is a real blessing and to undermine it because of our own wounds a real tragedy you do not need neither deserve.

The scenario you lived as child is sadly not uncommon. Happily in your present life, there is no one enabling nor perpetrating any form of abuse nor neglect. Confront your fears whenever they push you to undermine your life and family. Feedback from people close to you who truly care about you could be very useful and even necessary to get a reality check, but getting that should not imply neglecting your own needs for healing even longer.

I am here to support you but please get help for you and collateral sessions with your husband for him to better support you too.

Take gentle and consistent care.