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My wife after nearly 12 years of marriage and 17 years

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Hello, My wife after nearly 12...
Hello,
My wife after nearly 12 years of marriage and 17 years together has abruptly told me she has had enough and wants to be alone. She said she wants to live her own life with our little boys and just wants to be happy. She says she dosent feel the same about me anymore and says that I just need to accept that it is over. This has absolutely destroyed me! I still love her so much and cant even start to think how I would live without her. I have since moved in with a mate and his wife, which again kills me being away from my boys.I have since been to psycologists and began to make myself a better person. I told her I know I can change and we can still be happy together. She says not to change for her but for myself and the kids. I know I must do this but I really want her to believe in me. It also makes me physically sick and I cant sleep when I think about being away from her, and the thought of her being with another person brings me to tears. Can I still keep my beautiful wife?
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 8 minutes by:
3/1/2012
Mental Health Professional: psychlady, Therapist replied 5 years ago
psychlady
psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6,893
Experience: Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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The only person that knows whether you can keep her is your wife. She guides her own future. If she has said that it is over then unfortunately she is in charge of whether that is true or not. Chances are that it may be. However it wouldn't stop me from asking that she go to counseling together so whatever is wrong can be identified and handled by a professional. There may be issues that she is willing to work on. Being in separate places doesn't mean that this isn't possible. This isn't about being a better person but being a better couple. This may be about something like communication that can be addressed and fixed.

I would not assume that it's over but just consider that possibility. Until you have exhausted an option such as marriage counseling offer that to her. If it turns out she isn't open to this then work on how to let go. If you want to communicate effectively invest in the Mars and Venus series as a way to talk about what needs to happen.

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
She has already said she will go to conseling but only to get the problems heard, she is not going to go to work on our marriage. She has all of a sudden just let go of me and thats what hurts, gone from kissing and hugging her to no contact at all. If she has made this abrupt decision, what is the real liklihood of it being resolved? All I have to hang on to is HOPE!!
Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Relist: Other.
waiting for reply?
Mental Health Professional: KansasTherapist, LSCSW replied 5 years ago
KansasTherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience: 17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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Do you have any idea why your wife suddenly decided to end the relationship? If not, going to a counselor to hear what the real problem is sounds like a good place to start. Once she's there and talking about the issues in your relationship, you might be able to work on them.
If you want to try to keep your family together, you have to be very careful not to do things that scare her. An example, and I'm not suggesting you've done this, if you call her over and over to beg her to let you come home, she can end up feeling your harassing her. It's important you show respect for her request to be given space right now.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
I think I started off a bit like that but have listened to people and read into things about how to act. I have become stronger and act this way around her now. I think over the years we have always had issues but my main problem was not talking about them. Long story short, I was under emense stress the year before last due to a move interstate so she could be near her family, I gave up job after job because I hated them, this put us in financial trouble. She told me new years eve that she was pregnant, I exploded and said "we are f**ked, what are we going to do now?. You have ruined us now!!....I apologised so much and to this day think about what I said to her every day.....I realised where it came from within but can never make her understand how sorry I am. She now thinks that I control her which I cant argue with her that I dont. She says it is my word against hers!! I love her so much and will do anything to get her back. She had always asked me to go to a counciler but Id always been against and asked why she took the smallest thing I had said to her to heart. Now she says she will go with me, but not to save her marriage, just to have her say!!.....Is this at least a start or do you think she is really done?...Thanks
Mental Health Professional: KansasTherapist, LSCSW replied 5 years ago
I've had couples walk into my office, with one of them having decided the marriage was over. I still try to get them to talk about solutions. Sometimes I can get them to work on things and then the chances are good that things will work out. At this point you have nothing to lose by trying.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago

one last question...

it is our 12th wedding anniversary on the 11th March.

I would really love to take my wife out to dinner to still celebrate out time together!

if we went not as a couple but just friends for now I would love that...

I havent asked her yet, do you think I could ask this of her or would it steer her further away?...Thanks

Mental Health Professional: KansasTherapist, LSCSW replied 5 years ago
I think if you present it that way, it would be okay. If she says no, let it go.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago

I have also just been staying at a mates with the hope of finally moving back.

Most of my stuff is still at our house we rent and when I see the boys I just grab changes of clothes etc. I havent wanted to get my own place as my mate said I can stay as like as I want. If she asks me to move my stuff, should I then get my own place and think that it is all over or should I still give her space like now, and still have hope for the future. Realistically how long does it generally take to sort through all of this and get back on track? Thanks again!

Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Relist: Other.
Time?
Mental Health Professional: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago
Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,168
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Good Morning,

You have gotten some solid advice for the other Experts. I would like to add a few thoughts.

Counseling:

Yes...I would take your wife up on her offer to go to couple's therapy. I would encourage you to let her pick the therapist. You already have an individual therapist and even if that person does marriage counseling, it would be important for you wife to be able to have her say in this. She will then be able to feel emotionally safe.

Please be clear with her that the goal of couple's therapy would not be to repair the marriage, but rather to repair the relationship. I know that your ultimate goal is to be a family again, but that can only come if and when your relationship heals.

As to the anniversary. Absolutely. Ask her to dinner - not for the sake of romancing her - but to mark the many good years you had together and the things you share (the children). If she says yes...terrific. Keep it low-key and simple - nothing elaborate or "over the top." A pleasant meal at a favorite restaurant. If she says no, then send her a simple bouquet of her favorite flowers on your anniversary date with a note that simply says, :Thinking of you" - nothing else. No I love you and miss you....okay!

As to moving out. Yes...you need to find your own permanent place to live. You are only prolonging your pain and misery by grabbing clothing here and there. She needs to know that you have taken her seriously. Getting your own place will transmit this message. It will also allow you to bring back a sense of normalcy to your life. I don't imagine this will be easy...but it is an important step in showing her the respect she asks for.

From what you wrote, I gather that you are now taking responsibility for some of your past poor choices - anger, financial choices - this is very good. In couple's therapy you will have an opportunity to talk more specifically to her about these things. That could be quite eye opening for her and become a bridge that brings you back together.

Please hold on to hope!

Dr. Levang

If you feel satisfied with my response to your question, I would appreciate if you would press the Green Accept button.

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
The only think I am worried about at out counceling next week is, that because she is so set in her ways that her decision has been made and she is not going with the hope to save the marriage because she feels it is over, what happens if she dosent want to go to another session after that?....will the therapist recommend to?....both of my little boys are saying they want me back or they want to come and live with me....this is killing me!
Mental Health Professional: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Hello,

I am sorry that this is so painful. Hearing you boys ask for you come back home must hurt terribly. It would be important for them to know that you have not left the home because of them. That is something that both you and your wife must make clear to them.

I would think that the therapist will encourage you to meet for several sessions - not just one. That would be the typical course outlined by a therapist.

Dr. Levang

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
How do I get the thought of "I cant bear the thought of seeing her with someone else?" or what happens if in the meantime that I am trying to get her back she gets some interest from someone else and decides to persue this thinking that she is finished with me?. She has recently been going to the gym a lot and looks amazing, I have become super jealous and worry that she is doing this for someone else. I have lost weight due to laack of eating and initially being sick, to which I am getting compliments from people but I have done this the wrong way! Iwould give anything to just have her in my arms again, of course the no sexual contact with her has also affected me and I have mates saying to go a find another girl to sleep with, but to be honest, I have no interest at all in any other girls. I just want my beautiful wife back!!
Mental Health Professional: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Hello,

The thoughts about another man in her life can be tormenting...but please don't let yourself go there. It is only normal to feel jealous about this and to be concerned that she will find someone else. But...for now...please be patient.

If she is at the gym getting in shape, perhaps that is her way of coping with the stress of your relationship. It may have little or nothing to do with trying to find another man! Why not focus on that, rather than thinking it's about someone or something else!

As to your mates. Do any of them have credentials as a therapist or psychologist? If not, then their opinion is just their opinion. They are giving you the typical male response - go find another gal to sleep with. But..that will NOT solve the dilemma you are in and it will likely only make you feel horrible and disloyal. Again...have some patience here.

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
If she does ask me to move all of my stuff from home and I do find my own place, is it a good/logical idea to have one of my boys stay with me each night or is the splitting of them up more harmful in the longrun?.....they were both very keen to stay over in turns when I put it to them should it ever happen. They are both very very switched on kids and I feel that this is the only way that I could keep some sanity if I did have to move out on my own. We have been together since we both pretty much left school and the thought of living alone really does worry me!
Mental Health Professional: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Hi,

I would need to know the ages of your boys before I could give an opinion.

You certainly want them to be comfortable in your new home and see it as their home too.

Let me know the ages, and then I can respond.

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago

Ok sorry....

Lachie is 5 and Mekhi is 8!'

They are both really active boys that love to play footy and any sport after school until they pretty much fall asleep. Mekhi is a very mature kid for his age and has constantly said that he wants to stay with me but I'd hate to leave Lachie out. Is this a bad thing to split them overnight? They both go to the same school together and after school care so are together for the majority of the day. My thoughts are if my wife really wants to do this to me then at the very least cant she allow my to have my boys each night? But the last thing I would want to do is affect the boys by separating them just because I want to be with them as much as possible.

Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Relist: Other.
Time?
Mental Health Professional: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Hi,

Splitting the boys up would be very tough on them. Likely they are already confused and upset because you are not in the home. Having one with you, and the other with her, would not be good.

Perhaps they could come stay on a weekend. That way you would have more time together and it would be less stressful for everyone.

What do you think about that?

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago

I cant handle knowing that I wont be able to see my boys in the morning, get them breaky, ready for school etc. I really dont want to live alone and sit in a one bedroom flat waiting for the weekend to come around and see my boys!What are your thoughts on the possibilty of resloving this situation?

After all that has gone on, can she see a change in me and prepare to move forward or will she just hang onto the past and not be able to move on?

Mental Health Professional: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Hello,

Yes...the thought of that kind of dramatic change in your life has got to be nearly impossible to fathom.

LIke you, I have no idea what your wife may or may not do. The best advice that I can offer you is to continue in therapy so that you become the absolute best man that you can. You must believe in your capacity to change. You must believe in your ability to be a loving, involved, and compassionate father. No one can predict your future. Still, you have the ability to create that future by doing all you can to take responsibility for your past poor behavior and vowing to be more honest, loving, and respectful in the future.

I would appreciate it if you would press the Green Accept button so that I can be paid for our chats.

Thank you!

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,168
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago

Thanks very much!

Your help is greatly appreciated Dr....

Chris

Mental Health Professional: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

You're very welcome Chris.

Good luck!

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Dr. L
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