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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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I wanted to ask about my daughter she is 8 at the moment.

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I wanted to ask about my daughter she is 8 at the moment. Couple weeks ago she start telling me about what games she playing with her best friend, I mean sex games with teddies, it was shock for me because she is well behaved girl which don't have secretes from me. Today she told that she have in her mind some horrible thinks like there was one girl which was bad never shared with any one so she said that she had in mind like cut her neck with the knife or she said was thinking about the bit she likes that she kissed him not nice and then hit him with the chop knife. I'm scared of her thoughts and not really sure what should I do? I never watch horro movies or sex movies. A I don't know where them thought come to her head? Please help me to help her
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

Do you have any reason to believe that she is dwelling on thoughts or ideas based on the actual play experiences she had with her girlfriend? These sorts of violent ideas don't come to mind for a child out of 'nowhere'. In all cases, children have seen or heard something that prompts them to think about and 'incubate' the ideas in their head. Kids will carry home their play experiences and share them. You are doing a WONDERFUL job not reacting at all right now about her stories and what she is sharing. You should act very interested in what she is telling you; smile, nod in an encouraging manner because you need to know all she knows, thinks and may be experiencing. If you act shocked or surprised or upset, she will of course, shut down and stop talking. What do you think might be the basis of her violent ideas, if we assume that kids don't normally create these ideas out of 'thin air', particularly if they don't watch much TV or see any violent movies?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
She said that that girls dad liked sex moves and that they watched film about vampires. She watching some Disney movie about vampires as well but it's for kids. I'm not saying that I don't each some films but it's not horro films becomes I don't like them my self. Now she don't want to play with that girl anymore she said she don't like them games, but keep telling me what she remembered from before or something. I listening her carefully trying not to ask to many questions at a time bit to scare her, trying to explain what's good and what's bad. She coming out with the idea that if there was 2 of them one good and one bad. Looks like she fighting inside want to be good but some bad thinks coming out
I can pretty much assure you that if you can keep your daughter away from contact with this other girl, and keep her actively involved with healthy activities and hobbies she enjoys, and particularly social activities that involve skill development (e.g., music, art, chess, drama, science club), her mental preoccupation with this troublesome stuff will fade more and more. It should not have a long-lasting effect on her emotionally or mentally. I can also assure you that the most important thing in her life right now is to have a mother who works very, very hard to communicate with her, who listens really well. This is important because she needs to be able to talk to someone she trusts when anything troubles her and you need to know what is going on inside her head and what she is doing. What you can do is talk to her about how she can directly deal with feeling anger, frustration, feeling hurt. "You know that when you are feeling really mad at someone or hurt, the first thing you can do is just come tell me about it, because I want to listen and understand. I want to help if I can, so the worst thing you can do is keep these feelings inside". Then, you can help her learn how to manage negative feelings like this, e.g., write a story or draw pictures or find a way of expressing through healthy behavior, how she is feeling. She might find it helpful and useful to enroll in dance or martial arts classes for girls. Yes, I'm talking Tae Kwon Do or karate classes---for young girls and boys. Such lessons teach a great deal about managing feelings and controlling anger and they ALWAYS build self-confidence in little girls. (I did this with my daughter when she was 10 and it was a wonderful experience). It empowers girls and makes them feel strong, self-reliant and able to protect themselves from sexual assault later on in life. Another healthy diversion for kids when they are feeling angry or hurt is to have a pet animal to care for, hug, groom, take for walks (if it is a dog, for example).

Do any of these ideas sound viable to you, either because they may fit with your daughter's personality, or your lifestyle? Also, does your daughter have a healthy adult male 'father figure' in her life?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Her father died 5 years ago, but I have s boyfriend which I'd very good with her and I believe she loves him as her dad. I tried a karate class about a year ago she didn't likd it. She dies brownies and now will star Spanish class at school. We like to go swimming together. She is very sensitive, taking everything to heart and cry easily.
You are doing lots of things correctly to help your daughter better manage some of the negative emotional experiences she will be exposed to during childhood and adolescence by allowing her to directly experience healthy activities that build her self esteem. I'm glad you tried the karate class and it is also good she decided she didn't like it and wasn't forced to continue it. This was still a good learning experience for her i.e., to discover that she can try things, not like them, and move on to other skills and activities she can discover she likes.

Language classes (Spanish) are a wonderful idea, as is the swimming you mentioned. If she is at all athletic, perhaps she would like to try a team competitive sport or something more 'individual, such as diving, tennis, etc. Again, all of these are the sorts of things that will help insulate her from some of the harmful exposure to things she might otherwise experience with girlfriends who have a lot of time on their hands to do 'nothing'. That is, I suspect that her little girlfriend whom she visited (and probably exposed your daughter to unhealthy video material), does NOT have parents who are engaging her in the sorts of things you want your daughter engaged in. So this girl watches too many videos, has parents who don't really care what she sees and internalizes on TV, etc. This little girl will develop less than healthy values about such things as how to manage anger, how she can be treated by men (aggressively, and with disrespectful sexual behavior), etc., because this is the sort of video material and behavioral values her father models in her home. Too bad for this little girl.

I have a feeling that if you simply continue to be a very good listener for your daughter, communicate to her understanding and keep engaging her in health activities that strengthen her self esteem, she will be just fine going forward. The negative experiences you described in your first post will fade from her memory. You have a daughter who sounds as though she was born to be somewhat more sensitive, anxiety-prone, emotionally reactive, etc., than other children. So self-esteem building activities are really important for such kids.

I hope this information has been helpful to you. Please let me know if I have overlooked any aspect of your original question. Please click on the green Accept button at the bottom of the screen. Thanks.
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