Well, I really do feel pretty confident and good about myself, except in this one area. It has been a black spot on me, I have felt, but I have kept it so separate from my life that I think I was able to develop self confidence. I definitely, I think, had some issues with it because of how my parents were, I would guess (although I attributed it to a middle child thing, and being the younger sister to the cheerleader/homecoming queen). But as I have said, despite the lack of attention and affection, I did know for certain that my parents loved me unconditionally, and also, they have been far more supportive in adulthood. And they would never blow smoke. If we performed poorly, they would be honest about it. But I knew that if they said I did a good job, I actually had done a good job. Also, I would say starting in late high school, I got a lot of positive feedback from people outside my family for things I did, such as basketball, singing, humor, etc. So I think that helped.
I don't think seeming overly cocky is as much a defense mechanism to compensate for low self-esteem as it is other people's misconception, perhaps due to my aloofness sometimes and, as we have discussed, I guess I lack affect. I don't intend to act cocky, and I don't feel cocky. However, I also don't think there is anything wrong with me (generally) and I do just fine, and I do not think I need to go around saying bad things about myself or acting like I'm nothing. One of the problems, I think, is that I find people are drawn to me (I think because I am confident) and apparently want to be my friend. But I don't really have time to do a lot of meaningless socializing, and I am the kind of person who wants several really good, close friends, as opposed to a lot of surface friends. Plus, when I have a real friend, I generally have that friend forever. Also, I can see manipulation a mile away, and I don't tolerate it, and I remove myself from that person. Unfortunately, I do recognize that most people are trying to manipulate the situation only because they need to get their needs met -- it's not to try to scam anyone; it's to get the attention they are lacking or whatever. But I still don't tolerate it, and it frustrates me, because I want to tell them that if they dropped their agenda, and acted normally, and did not try to manipulate things, they would get exactly what they are putting all this effort into trying to get. They would make friends more easily, get attention because of who they are, and be appreciated. Anyway, apparently, as I have been told by my legal assistant, who I knew before hiring her, and she goes to my church, I come across like I do not like people and won't let people into my life. I have also been told that I have a "clique" of the "chosen," which is ridiculously high school. And people think that I think I am better than others because I don't go around saying "I'm no good" or "you're better than me." But I guess that is the impression people get. Plus -- I think part of it is jealousy. I am not that good at the drums, although I love to play them., and I love when I get to fill in at church. I understand I'm not that great, and I am trying to improve, but that's fine with me. And I am not jealous of our regular drummer who is a lot better than me -- I appreciate her talent. However, I do know that I am a decent singer, and C. has me sing all the time, because he tends to choose songs that fit my voice, because he likes the style. I'm not the best, ***** *****'t think I'm the best, ***** ***** get pissed, apparently, because I get "chosen" to do the solos they want, or to sing on praise team or whatever. That is not me -- that's them. And the thing is -- I don't really care. I don't understand why people have so much tied into that, when we are adults, and nobody is a professional singer. It's dumb, and if it means so much to people, they can do it. It is not that important to me. But apparently the whole thing is offensive to some people.
I am also sure that part of the way I come off to people is because I don't trust people in general and I don't want to be in a place where I am vulnerable to them. They probably see this as I am rejecting them, but really it is about me and protecting myself.
So --- very long explanation as ot why I don't feel like my being seen as cocky is a defense mechanism. :) Sorry. :)
I do feel more supported now than ever. I don't know if you, L. and Dr. M. actually care, but you all certainly come across in a caring and supportive manner.
As to you, L., or Dr. M. being disappointed -- I don't think so much that any of you would think I wanted the bottle or anything, or made the thing start in the first place. But it's my specific actions during the whole thing. The things I said and the things I did. The ywould probably make you cringe. Didn't they make you cringe a little when I told you my "story?"
Okay -- so, if we were to work on what you suggested yesterday, what would that be and how would that work, exactly?
Also, this seems so weird that I talk to you almost every day, multiple times, and we have never met. It is probably the reason why I could be open so quickly -- because of the anonymity. But now I have grown to trust you. I realize I cannot know who you actually are, and that is totally fine, and very smart. However, if you wanted to kind of see who I am, I could give you my law firm website, but I wouldn't want it on here for everyone to see who I am.