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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Dr. Mark, Thank you for your answer,it us good to hear thoughts

Resolved Question:

Dr. Mark,
Thank you for your answer,it us good to hear thoughts from a neutral party. Just a few more thoughts... I forgot to mention the fact that she also has a two year old child that does belong to the other guy involved and needless to say my husband does not want to be a "step" grandfather to his child. The whole situation is completely frustrating. My son tells me its all my fault etc.and doesnt understand why we won't accept her... she did nothing wrong. Personally, I feel that she did do something wrong when she opened the door to a relationship with MY son. I can tell you that yes he was mad and upset about the whole situation but he was getting past it. One day out of the blue (I assume the day they started talking) he quit talking to me. A couple months went by and thats when we figured out what was going on with the two of them. It pretty much exlained everything... his hostility and silence towards me. I am sure that she told him things about the situation that truly him as my son did not need to hear. Am I wrong? My son says she encourages him to have a relationship with me.. I think just so she can look like the good guy. I hear through outside parties that she has absolute hate for me, so I really cannot understand why she would want to subject herself to me. My mind races with so many things... these are just a few.
Thanks again
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Other.
Would like an answer now rather than wait.
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 5 years ago.

Hi! I'm sorry I couldn't answer right away and it looks like none of the other experts was able to either: we've been very busy here today.

There's something--or really someone--missing in the discussion: your husband.

This is most properly a father/son issue. Something they should deal with. The sense is that you are the strong personality in the family. And that you take the action in the emotional issues.

That is often the case as men react to emotional things more slowly. Women very quickly. So if you don't give it time, they will pretty much let the women take center stage. But this is going to not get things resolved as well as if the men have at it with each other. Because they are the ones whose feelings are being talked about most.

Let's pause to talk about her hate for you. Women can hate and be pleasant at the same time. That's not duplicity. Men can't. Women feel provisionally, men more profoundly. So she can hate you in truth and be nice to you in truth. Because she as a woman is most likely continually recalculating her feelings toward you based on your actions, your acceptance, her moods, your moods, etc. So keep on trying with her and letting the past be past. Yes, it is a weird situation. But if I would tell you about a case I worked with in my office a number of years ago, your mouth would hang open. Just a little on the surface: the younger woman wound up marrying the husband who was much older of a her mother's best friend kept on getting more intricately weird.

But your husband is sensitive it sounds like. And it may be time for his son to hear it from him. For the two of them to go to a quiet Starbucks or tavern and talk. Talk about what's happened. About what happened in the family. What your husband did inside in his heart that made him able to keep the marriage going. What his son wants from him now. What the father wants from the son. It may take a couple of sit downs, but they have to get started.

Again, I apologize for the delay. I am going now to be seeing patients in my office for the afternoon and early evening and then I'll be back at the site this evening.

I wish you the very best!

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