Thank you for the added information. It helps a lot. I believe I can now be of help with this issue.
First, let me say your added information was very eloquently stated and gave an even greater sense of the anguish and pain you have been undergoing. It is clearly getting to unbearable levels in order to bear the strain of your husband's addiction problems.
And this is the key to my answer to you. I am going to say what I think you know within yourself, but need to hear it from a professional:
Your husband is not committed to getting better. And if he WERE committed to getting better, that wouldn't be a guarantee that he would succeed any better than when he was committed the first time you threatened to leave and waited a year. Why?
Well, first because addictions are not so easy and sex addiction is one of the toughest given that our society sells sex everywhere all the time. And second, because as soon as he has some success, you relax. And as soon as you relax, he goes "off the wagon", or back to the clubs in his case.
And that is untenable. You can't live your life in a constant state of alert, like you're the FBI watching over his virtue to make sure he doesn't do something wrong. That's not a life for you.
Let us say that instead of chasing the women, instead of the thrill of the chase, that your husband used alcohol to numb himself from himself and his inner spiritual, psychological anxiety about being himself alive in the world. Because that is what alcohol achieves: it numbs all that. And that is what the chase does for him, it numbs all that. Just like alcohol is not for the pleasure of the taste of the whiskey for the alcoholic, the infidelity is not for the pleasure of the orgasm for the sex addict. It is for the numbing.
That's why 2 wives later, he still is behaving the same way with you, wife number 3.
I wish I could tell you that the alternative is easy. That once you see that sex is just like an alcohol bottle for him, or given his past, drugs, that I could show you a quick fix for everything and you aren't going to have difficult choices to make. But it isn't so and life doesn't work like that. Your husband was an addict, was clean for quite a long time with you, and relapsed. He has not faced this reality AT ALL. He thinks that just because sex is all over this society it is somehow more socially accepted and so it is not a relapse of his addictions. Well he's bringing himself down with this illusion and you are sinking as well.
I know I'm being very open and honest but your pain is so intense and you are such a nice and good person and I want to help you and illusions have been a problem here for too long. So I have to tell you how it is in reality: your husband is fooling himself. He has had a relapse of his addictive behavior and he is giving himself into the cycle of addiction: use, get caught, repent, repeat.
And so you have to decide if you can live with an addict. So is it better to stay or to leave? I cannot tell you. You love him. You have a lot invested in the marriage. But you are a human being and you have a right to not be enabling addiction and to not have his addiction take over your life.
Okay, I don't know whether to tell you to leave or to stay. But I want to help you by giving you the real view of what's going on and the parameters for your decision making. I wish you the very best!
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