I know I'm not really going nuts. This little emotional roller coaster is just weird. But that's okay.
As for what other choice I had, well, we could go round and round about that to no end. I know what I'm supposed to feel, but I'm not there yet. I'm sure I'll get there; I'm sure I will get to the point where I can see things differently, but I've got 19 years of "knowing" this, so it's probably not going to be undone overnight.
I've read a lot of stuff about emdr, and it seems to work do a lot of people. I was really kind if creeped out about it before, because about 6 months before I started therapy with this therapist, I has been referred to another counselor who, in my first appointment, made a bunch of assumptions and prettying told me what she thought I had probably experienced, which could not have been further than what really happened (at least she didn't ask me to tell her - it was my first appointment - I guess she just decided to make it up herself ?). Anyway, she basically "announced" to me that we would start emdr the next week, without explaining it at all, and it sounded so bizarre and I thought it was some kind of hypnosis. Then she asked all these questions about sex and concluded that the reason I was still having nightmares
is because I hadn't been sexually active since then, and she thought I needed to find a partner to "healthily explore my sexuality.". Really?? Everything would be resolved if I go out and screw somebody? Well, although it would surely be cheaper than therapy, I really didn't feel like she knew what she was doing. And the emdr sounded vooodoo-ish.
But my current therapist has explained it a lot and I've read a lot about it. I figure it's worth a try. I don't think it could hurt. But I just don't want to keep jumping back and forth between stuff. I know she's just trying to make me feel better (and I can't blame her - I keep pressing her to give me a timeline for feeling like this, when I know she can't). But I think you're right. I I ask her to focus on one thing at a time, she'll respect that. I generally wok pretty hard in and out of our sessions, so I think if I told her I jut wanted to sleep the whole hour today, she'd say that was okay.
I hope you have a great day! Thank you for all your insight !