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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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Micheal I need your wisdom again. First, my ex officially

Customer Question

Hi Dr. Micheal I need your wisdom again. First, my ex officially moved out and notified me via text today. But he said he's keeping the car so he can deliver newspapers for his second job. He's beyond lame in my opinion, and it's infuriating b/c that wasn't our deal. I just need the car till I receive my taxes next month and buy another one. Should I just rent a Zipcar and go ahead with a divorce and forget about our 3-4 month marriage arrangement? There's no way I can stay married for a year, he's too unpredictable and I ate twizzler's today because I was mad! Yes, haha it's funny but I abhor emotional eating so it was a sign of real stress.
Also I would like to apologize did I miss a follow-up? I get so distracted with pressure to meet my monthly sales quota. Need to use Franklin Covey or another organizer.
Ok, dating life: The Marine told me today he was asked nicely to step down. He will retire from his position in April, but remains employed by the Marines (a fact my friend with similar ranking and post said to me). He's lined up job interviews, and seems to be processing it ok. He has a pattern (2x now) of asking me to drive up to NH (from Boston) when he feels stressed from his job. I declined b/c (a) it wasn't a date he planned for us, and (b) I was packing my ex's stuff to relieve anger over the car (c) my ex has our car so I couldn't, but I didn't want to seem un-self sufficient not having the means to drive there.
Anyhow two things both make me feel alarm and relief (a) talking to him on the phone is awkward and it's like I'm talking to a blank statue. My other suitor, Jon the 41 yr old businessman talks to me for hours and is a MENSAH genius (take that with a grain of salt of course). Furthermore (b) when I'm with him it's like, yes- this is the strong man I need, He's more attractive and has this quiet strength. Plus we're in this pattern now where we take turns commuting, I cooked a fancy Jaime Oliver and Rachel Ray meal to impress him. I slept with him twice. I want him to PLAN our dates a few days in advance, but I feel almost guilty like how do I ask that to a guy whose life career is now changing? I NEED to speak up for my needs. Sigh. My book says to observe a man's behavior and not his words.
Omg! Omg- so I felt down Sat b/c he added a few girls as his Facebook friends. I casually mentioned it to him. He jumped all over that!:) He whipped out his IPhone and showed me every girl's profile, picture and how he knew them. I felt so impressed over that!
Jon asked me how many dates I've been on and I truthfully said two (him and Marine). But he doesn't know I impulsively married a immigrant I'm trying to disentangle
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 5 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

Well, it is sure sign of major life stress when one succumbs to eating twizzlers!! Bad, desperate times to be sure!!

You make me chuckle!! Well, now is a good time for your wise rational mind to kick in and mull over this situation. Ask yourself, though you are rightfully feeling angry and incensed with his breaking of your agreement and being petty about taking the car, can you stop a second and ask yourself what you really want most right now. Mainly, you may want to get the car back so you don't have to rent one, or you may really want out of the marriage. Your logic and rational thought can help you out here. Let's assume you want to give him a chance to give the car back. How would you do that? Well, you could send him a message and explain that taking the car is a violation of your separation agreement and that he may want to rethink this decision to keep it---perhaps hit his parents up for some funds to buy a cheap vehicle for his paper route, with the idea of paying them back. You could then threaten him----since you've broken our agreement and took the car, you should realize that I now feel no allegiance to the agreement to not divorce immediately, as we each need to follow through with what we have agreed to in detail. So that might be one option. The second option would be to go ahead and file, using the insult of his keeping the car and selfishness AS the reason for not keeping your end of the bargain. Third option would be to ignore the situation and rent the car and emotionally disengage further until you file for divorce, at the agreed upon time. HERE is the point; in situations like this your rational mind should hopefully remind you----don't just get angry, MAKE SURE you get what you want!!!

Now I have a really important question..............did you eat the red or the black?

Actually, I like how you are handling these two other men. First, I like how you are setting limits with the Marine. You seem to have a good sense of limits, what to do and not do, how to expect and wait for him to reciprocate. You are aware the big differences in your spontaneity with Jon. You are continuing to examine what you feel you need and deserve in a relationship. That's very GOOD. And, it is good that with Jon, you do feel that he brings your life some 'stability. Very important and good that you recognize this difference with him. And, of course, another good thing is that you know how to do Jaime Oliver meals.

I wouldn't mention the husband right now----wait until you have a divorce date set in your mind and can talk about it, and how you're preparing papers to file, etc. Have something in process and it won't draw as many questions. But you can't wait too long if you keep seeing either of these guys because then it looks like you aren't being forthcoming about yourself; and that's not good. I'm going to pause here and let you react. By the way, I don't think I ever got your book through the link.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Dr. Micheal I laughed yesterday when I read your post. But emotional eating causes a lot of people to gain weight. Plus what is a twizzler's? It's high fructose nonsense....and I devored the red kind. :)
So my husband moved all his stuff out today. Ironically I had text'd him my thoughts corresponding to your first and second options. I rented a Mint Car to see the Marine last night, and will use that for now. My husband fed me some bullshit story about how he is attached to the car, he can only pay me $275 at the beginning and end of the month, and maybe he'll buy me a car in the future. Plus I had to switch all the bills in my name.
I sat there shocked and rationally thought about my options. I decided...if he can't keep our original bargain it show's he's unpredictable, and he'll prob string me along with excuses. He said his "pride" wouldn't let him ask his parents for money, but they dished out $7k for a immigration lawyer and support him now. I had him take everything he owned and he left. He was pissed! It was soo dramatic. He wouldn't tell me where he'd been staying this past week either. Whatever, it's not like I've been celibate. I have an appointment at 5:15pm Friday to speak with a Divorce lawyer about an immediate annulment. Yay, freedom is near!
Yesterday my father called me and I was in tears. He said he's at the end of his life and made me promise to see him Saturday. I hinted things weren't going well with me and Nik (husband), but did not elaborate. Should I tell him? He's dying but he warned me not to marry Nik unless he had papers. He raved about Nik's smooth jazz albumn and they bonded while piano playing. Should I avoid upsetting him?
Ok so Jon is actively pursuing me now. He's calling me more. But c'mon he's 41! He's also incredibly smart and he listens like a hawk. But I'm already sleeping with "a sniper" haha. Oh, and did I mention I canceled a date Sat with an Irish suitor? My book said to date three at a time. Yesterday I drove to NH and saw the Marine again. He is coming to sleep over this weekend. There will be an abundance of Jaime Oliver meals, and he'll accompany me on my wild girls night. But I'm scared, I have to talk to him about my needs.
They are: Can u please call me more, you used to text me 3x per day.
Need to know if he's in it to win it...should I mention my other suitors? Yikes!
Can u plan a awesome Valentines day with yoga and deep tissue massages
Can u actively plan and ask me out on dates, or else I'm gonna get bored.
I'm starting to feel off balance b/c my brain is hooked on oxcytocin from sex, can we slow things down so I can think rationally?...No? Ok my impulsive mind is fine with that! Lol
It all seems so bothersome. Should I say all that?! How is he going to react? I'm gonna need lots of drinks to have this conversation. Both our profiles are active on the same dating site. I can see when he logs in and vise-versa. I need to relax and be the heck do I do that? All this rational thinking seems like scheming and
planning his head would probably explode if he knew how crazy I am. Is that self-defeating?
So let's balance the scales....ex husband vs annulment (problem solved). No car vs Mint car, walking and bicycle (problem solved). Dating Marine vs dating Jon and Irish Sean (problem solved?). Sleeping with Marine while dating other guys = scandalous? Using taxes to book vacation to Australia, and buy new tv = problem solved soon. Figuring out how to be high maintenance/hard to get vs writing my own guide = clash of the titans. Problem unsolved. New computer monitor so you can finally read my guide= problem solved soon.
Thank you so much for helping me!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Ok So I have grown up a lot! It took just 1 more book to read to gain emotional clarity. I am reading "catch Him and keep him" e book by Christ***** *****. Bloody Brilliant! Not only do I understand further about TRULY stepping back from a situation to see if it addresses me needs as a woman. I see the rationality of "Slowing things down" and becoming more selective. Things you have repeatedly been saying over and over!! Thank god for male psychologists.
I fret, fret, fret. Due to fear... But now I feel stronger than ever about identifying my needs. Ok so, yes I still need your clarity b/c I'm emotionally impulsive. But all it took was your advice, talking to a divorce lawyer ( meeting with Tuesday) reading another book, and sitting back Really Thinking without judgement or guilt or fear or know I can finally relax- remaining whimsical and sane. You have helped me so much. Now I feel we take detours in life but life corrects us when we deviate from our paths. I feel MORE confident about dating other guys...I have to be selective! Or I end in silly situations that cost me $1800 for a divorce! Can u imagine? So silly:)
These mood swings are normal right? It comes with clarity of judgement and a cup of vodka :). No, no only had 1 drink tonight hahahaha. Oh my lord, you prob think I'm crazy...going on and on about twizzler's?! I have to finish reading this book b/c when the Marine comes tomorrow I have to assertively/ matter of fact say I don't continue to have sex unless I'm in a relationship. But he's supposed to sleep over. Sigh. We'll see what happens. In the meantime I'll keep reading and update you tomorrow. If you need a exercise/ nutrition plan I can help you! Men get accelerated results with fitness b/c they have more muscle mass than women.
Cheers, ***** ***** alright.
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 5 years ago.
Eugenia, thanks for this wonderful update. I enjoy your sense of humor and spontaneity (which is different from being 'impulsive'). I LOVE the insight and self-consideration you have give serious thought to and that you really are getting a bit better at using your wise rational mind. The acid test for you immediately is being able to really explain what you need from this Marine, and STICK TO IT, regardless of whether he stays or 'bails'. If he 'bails', you'll know he is primarily interested in you for sex, right? You seem to have a lot of interests and personal growth and development skills, with your dating guide and now you mention exercise/nutrition plans. I have in fact, gotten much more diligent about eating better and working out to drop a few pounds, beginning in early Dec. I've actually been pretty good until this past week when my work demands move from my usual work week of around 60 hours to around 70----crazy busy. And of course I don't stop to eat right, I engage in some emotional/anxiety reduction eating, and didn't get over to the sports club as I should. Correcting that starting earlier today, I hope. So if you want to share something you've written feel free. You have the link. I will read anything you send.
Dr. Michael and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Ok so here's the update. I sent you my dating guide. Did you get a chance to read it? :). It may be to much info for a suitor to read. I added a chapter from the "find lobe in 90days book" about how I analyze my dates then journal about it, and compare them to each other.
The Marine stood me up. Confirmed on Friday, but was a no-show Sat. I was extremely upset, so I stayed home, read a book on male psychology, and drank water :). I impulsively (my new favorite word now) un- friended him on Facebook. I'm still really attracted to him, and he has some qualities I like, so if he contacts me this is a great leeway into saying we need to slow things down. I hooked up with my old flame yesterday so that made me forget all about how upset I was. I usually have sex with my old flame (also named Micheal) when I have a dry spell. I am ovulating this week so it makes me understand why I'm driven to have sex sometimes.
Anyways I told Joe, the rich 41 yr old squash company owner, about my impending divorce. He was fine with that. I told him I'm reading about male psychology and dating....he said I'm a little crazy but I know he likes me! I said I don't have sex unless I'm in a relationship- he asked to be my boyfriend lol. thanks. Both men (Marine and Micheal) are real fit, they both take HGH ( a steroid) and are 5'9 around 195-200 of pure muscle. I'm just creating a picture here of these guys....not promoting steroids. My friend is a natural bodybuilder, he looks incredible and he just does it with supplements, diet, and exercise. So I offered to help both guys stop taking HGH, and give them a sensible plan. They goth over-train and are sore all the time. I'll send you a meal and exercise plan if you'd like. Why am I trying to help these men? I allow myself to get seduced too early. But we are working on that right :)
Ok so my parents are fine with my divorce. My dad is fine, he is just emotional right now. They asked me why I'm leaving Nikita (my husband), I explained everything ESP that I was in a sexless marriage and he never satisfied me sexually. That stopped their questions :). They feel bad for Nikita and my mom said I should stay married so he wouldn't get deported.
Tomorrow I meet with the divorce lawyer. It may cost me $2k for a divorce (yikes!). Today I found out my gym is closing Monday. I'm fine with it, and transferring to a neighboring gym in Cambridge. The fitness director there is the natural bodybuilder he was flirting with me today, I think he has a crush on me. He wants me to take his job if he gets promoted, and he makes $100k per year. Anyways I now have to accept Nikita's offer of $550 per month and eventually he will buy me a used car. I really don't want to be stuck with him for another year. But until I file for unemployment or find another full time job I am limited in my options.
Despite all of my drama with men (my dad, suitors, husband) I have remained optimistic. Life will lead me wherever I'm meant to go. My friend is looking into renting space for a private training studio. I really just want to sleep in till 10am every day, collect money with an online business, create a fitness app, and have a kick ass apartment and dog. That's it. Is it worth it to be in a relationship right now? Your one of the smartest people I know. All the other psychotherapist students I know hate listening to people all day :).
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 5 years ago.
I've been out of town the last two days on family emergency but am back. Sorry for the delay. I'll get to my emails later today. I have a couple of immediate reactions to the stories relating to the men in your life. First, a quality man would not stand you up without an incredibly good reason---a reason that involves serious circumstances beyond his control. He would 'climb mountains' for you. A guy who gets a woman into bed very early in the relationship (1st date or two) and then does this, shows a high likelihood of taking you for granted and not respecting the sexual intimacy you shared. Anyway, I hope you wise, rational mind sees that his behavior is a very huge, red flag. Are you attracted to him enough to allow yourself to be treated this way more than once (or, even once? What would other women conclude about his behavior?).

What do you think the squash company owner is saying to you exactly, when he says he thinks you're a little crazy? Perhaps that he sees you as potentilally getting yourself into crazy situations because you are impusive? (That would be my first guess (?). Your post about him above suggests you like him but deep down inside, you realize he isn't a good match for you or that his age is too different from yours; you aren't interested in being his 'girlfriend'?

The fitness director flirts with you but PLEASE pause here and step back and ask yourself (wise, rational mind) how you want to play this out with him---please plan this out in advance lest your horomones run 'amok'. IF he gets promoted and you take over his job and IF there is any chance he will be your supervisor or superior, there is 100%, absolutely no way you can allow him to seduce your or have sex with him, or have a personal relationship. Your job would't last long if you mix sex, personal stuff with a job as his supervisee. If you find him attractive and think the actual odds of being offered a job in this same fitness company are low, then you can certainly try out a relationship with him if this is the direction it takes. Keep in mind that realistically, this guy deals with LOTS of women everyday in his job role, you are certainly a nice, attractive person yourself, but please don't make the mistake of believing you are the only woman who has caught his eye in the past months or years. Rationally, realistically, he likely flirts with many other women he encounters in his job, as he has with you. Flirts, makes offers, implied offers, etc. So here again----something to take slow, think about, plan in advance what you will and won't do with him, etc. One thing you might want to do is to be encouraging but not allow yourself to get caught up romatically or sexually with him at this time UNTIL you first see if there is a real job here. Hold off until it materializes or falls through and THEN decide to date him or not date him based on the outcome. The question here of course is, "What would I want more----possible relationship with this guy or his job? If I want his job 'most' then this means I can't have a relationship with him that is personal. If I don't want the job 'most' or if it falls through, THEN, I the fall-back position would be to possibly agree to a slow, methodical dating relationship.

I think it is perfectly right and good for you to be in a relationship right now IF..........your wise, rational mind really dominates the decisions and moves you make, helps you move slowly, and really THINK before you act emotionally, sexually, etc. If you aren't there yet, then I think you'll end up feeling hurt, frustrated and actually, exploited by one or more guys.

What do you think?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Wow!!! Every time I read your responses it blows my mind. I feel like I live in this la-la happy land and your like "ahem"....come down to earth dear. Actually think for a second hahaha.
Ok the Marine is out. I have not contacted him. That would be foolish. These damn books make me feel like I can play relationship games and win if a man withdraws. But he hasn't even talked to me to apologize. My ex- husband has never treated me like that, I know what a real relationship feels like. Don't worry I'm not a doormat. But I have never been able to morph the nice attentive guy with a hot attractive guy. Do you know any magic spells?
Of course I don't want to be the squash company owner (Jon) girlfriend. He's too old for me. If people say I'm crazy it doesn't bother me, in my mind the crazy people have the most fun, take life by the hornes, take chances, and really live. Not to be applied to my marital situation of course :).
In regards ***** ***** (the fitness director I'll be working with) it is not so quid pro quo in our company. I'm attracted to him but I'm not in love or anything. We'll prob just be flirting. I don't know that I Iike him yet. He's known me for 2 years. My personal training supervisor said if I sell 10k I may quickly be promoted! I have to analyze Sean's behavior first and utilize the pattern of three, just like my dating guide states. I just want a Valentine's day date. Just some chocolate, champagne, hot tub with that too much to ask? There is literally No One for a date next Tuesday :(.
I'm not going to start dating him right when I join this new club....what about my reputation? I just want to have fun. In 2008 I wanted to get the words "fun" tattoed on the back of my neck. I still want that tattoo. If your not having fun in your life, what the hell are you doing?
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 5 years ago.
O.K., I'm becoming convinced that you have a solid wise rational mind or 'voice' that you can attend to when you want to. Very solid, smart and thoughtful decisions, choices etc., you offer in your last post. Your wish for Valentine's day is wonderfully romantic; you paint a very attractive 'scene' for that day. I hope you get pampered and treated well. You sound like a very fun person with a great sense of humor and emotional intensity. I'm getting back on schedule after my emergency trip on Mon/Tues and I'll read your compositions. I got started on one and got interrupted, but they certainly did sort of 'grab you' as a reader. Will get back to you!
Dr. Michael and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Dr. Micheal!

Nice to hear from you. I'm sorry to hear about your family emergency. Hope your ok and feeling in better spirits. It's totally fine if your busy. I was at work all day, just saw your response. I have to wait until I get home to access the link from my PC. My iPad is retarded. Take your time, get into your work and workout groove. We will " touch base" (industry talk) when your available.

I'm extremely grateful for your help. I hope your getting the support right now that you give to others. I wish I could of sent the original document that had illustrations....but sigh...word perfect is a weird old system and the file converted to text was easier. No biggie right? :)

Coincidentally I'm on a blind date right now sipping vodka drink wIting for my blind date :) hahaha....we'll talk soon! Your an awesome person, take your time and relax. We'll connect soon- rational self speaking :)

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Dr. Micheal!!

It's so nice to speak with you again you really are awesome :). So right now I'm casually dating and I don't know how to broach the subject of my impulsive marriage to my ex. I'm seeing a law student right now for a month, and one day he said " You are so beautiful and perfect, do you have a husband somewhere?" I laughed and said no. "Gladiator" is the nickname of a Italian hottie I'm talking to for 2 weeks. We may go on our first date soon, and I'm scared to bring this up. I feel like a liar, how do I bring this up? Only a few friends and relatives know I eloped, this marriage will be over 6 months after I file for divorce. I talked to a divorce attorney, he said it'd be easy. I really like these 2 guys...trying to take things slow but you know how impulsive I am haha. Actually I'm much calmer now, my relationships have improved, this issue and progressing in my career are the two things I stress about. That's normal right? :) Sometimes I feel inadequate like I should already be making 100k per year like my friends. But I stay positive and focus on action and today I'll make my first private sale for 3k...wish me luck!

Miss you! Hope your well. Your wisdom moves mountains lol

Optional Information:
Person's Gender: Female
Person's Age: 30

Already Tried:
Reading Christ***** ***** books, and talking to Dr. Micheal