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Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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ASK SUZANNE, Something else that makes me feel bad and eats

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ASK SUZANNE, Something else that makes me feel bad and eats me away at times is the fact that all the other brothers and wives have so much more financially than me and my husband have. My one sister-in-law called me an enabler and that was something that was really hard for me to get over. I have a job at the University of Penn. It is a good job, but just because I have a job does not make me an enabler. If I was jobless, I don't thing that would somehow make my husband more successful. But the fact that they all have so much more than us, really bothers me and I often feel less than. The same sister-in-law mentioned above has a husband that wants to have sex with her every night. My other sister in law who is 4 foot 8 inches and well over 200 pounds has a husband who can't keep his hands off of her. I am jealous of their money and their sex lives. Could you help me with this? I often feel less than because of the money and success thing, even though it doesn't affect my husband's feelings it affects mine.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  David Akiva replied 5 years ago.
DuddyH :

Welcome, I'm a professional counselor and behavioral-consultant. I'd like to chat with you for a few moments to better understand your question and the situation you're describing.


I'd really like Suzanne to answer my question. When I type "ASK SUZANNE" in the first sentance the other people just pass on my question and Suzanne eventually reads and gets my question. Please let me know if I should re-post my question. Thanks, Jen

DuddyH :

No problem. I'm very sorry. I didn't know who Dear Suzanne was. I thought it was a "Dear Dr Phil" type question. I'm sending the question back out right now.

Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I am a Moderator with Just Answer, when your Expert comes back on line she will see your question and will assist you. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience:-)

Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.

Sorry for the confusion...

I'm curious about her calling you an enabler. Unless he has addiction problems that you haven't mentioned, I can't see how you having a job would be "enabling." Most men can still find the motivation to work even if their wife is working too. Ah well, remember that saying about opinions being like noses... Just because she said it doesn't make it true...

It's easy to fall into the trap of judging ourselves against others. But remember, you are only seeing what they let you see of their lives. Very, very few people have perfect lives. If they did, they wouldn't feel the need to look at yours. You know how, when you're happy, you care less about other people and how they live? If they were really as happy as you think they are (or as they try to see) , they would not be paying as much attention to what you are doing.

There will always be people in life who have more, do more, are richer, prettier, have better jobs than any of us. You'll drive yourself into despair if you judge your life by other people's exterior appearances. Take it from me as a therapist--often the people who come into therapy who look as if they have it all together, are really the most unhappy people of all. They put a lot of attention into external appearances (money, bragging) to hide the pain inside.

You have a wonderful baby and a husband who loves you are has stayed by your side through some tough times. There are lots of women who would give anything to have what you have--even though it isn't perfect. I bet people who don't know your situation look at you and your life and feel very, very jealous.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
True, I have more than some people. Anthony has 3 brothers who are all married. Each of them live in big houses and are really successful. We live in a small house in the City in a not so nice neighborhood. I just really need to find a way to be proud of what we have. Because I am jealous.
Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.
You know, the two of you have made it on your own, DURING A RECESSION. The others got established before this economic disaster happened. The fact that you have a house and haven't lost it to foreclosure like so many other people have is something to be very, very proud of. When the economy picks up, so will your circumstances. It seems like your husband is very willing to work, but circumstances have worked against him. A lot of people in your age bracket are struggling, because they are getting started in a time when all the odds are against them. When the others got established, the economy was growing and making money was a whole lot easier. Give yourselves a lot of credit for what you've managed to do during very difficult financial times!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Michael and Freddy are naturally very ambitious people.
Steven is ambitious too, they also credit his ambitiousness to Judy pushing him.
I feel like they think it is my fault Anthony isn't more successful than he is, that I don't push him enough when that is far from true. Anthony's personality is one that just kind of goes with the flow and not ambitious at all. He is a very hard worker but prefers to work for someone else rather than go out on his own. I do know that 2 years ago my one sister-in-law wasn't able to pay her mortgage for 4.5 months and her whole family 3 kids included didn't have health insurance for 11 months. But these same people have a big house in NJ and a Nice Shore house. Baffled by that.
Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.

Them not being able to pay their mortgage or have health insurance actually proves my point...You can't judge from the outward appearance. Can you imagine the stress of living like that? They can be mortgaged to the hilt, "own" stuff, and look good from the outside, but be leading lives full of stress on the inside.

Not everyone is cut out to run their own business. That doesn't mean that when Anthony lands in the right job, that he can't move up the ladder eventually. And besides, him being easy going most likely also makes him very easy to live with...which, if you had to make a choice between being rich and happy...most people would choose happy.

PS: although from your current prospective having a husband who "can't keep his hands off" probably sounds pretty good right now--the flip side of that is living with a man who expects/demands sex no matter how you're feeling, and that can be very unpleasant as well.

Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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