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Ask Suzanne Your Own Question
Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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ASK SUZANNE, I have 2 different sets of strong feelings. On

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ASK SUZANNE, I have 2 different sets of strong feelings. On the one hand, I am unhappy that my husband isn't more successful than he is, I am also upset that he has no sex drive, since I'm the one that's unhappy it has been his love for me that has carried us through. On the other hand, I think about committing to him and loving him and being good to him despite our problems, financially we will be ok and the lack of sex is one thing I need to deal with. He is a good father to Aiden, He is a nice guy. I struggle between being mad at him on one hand and wanting to love him on the other. I am almost afraid to love him in a way...because I think that by complaining especially about sex, I am somehow going to change him. However I notice that when I think about Aiden and Anthony in good ways I really care less what my in-laws think of me. What to do? What to do? It's like I need to make a good strong decision either way and stick with it. I think the best decision I could make right now would be just to love him unconditionally. Although I've been nice to him, I have been sleeping on the couch (as my sex protest.) He gets upset and last night asked me to come to bed so I did. Maybe I should start sleeping in the same bed with him again? He did give me a nice big hug. What do you think? Jen
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.

I think you're on the right track with the unconditional love way of thinking about things. That's what you want from him--to love you no matter what--so it's only fair and right to give the same to him.

I think you should go back to sleeping with him. By staying on the couch, you're embarrassing him, and that can't be good for your relationship. Take the pressure off about sex. Hug and kiss him the same way you would if your sex life was fine. Build him up so his self-confidence grows. Him feeling like you appreciate him and respect him will go a long way to building a good relationship, and as he gets more self-confident, his desire may come back. It's really hard for a man to "feel like a man" when he's having money and/or employment problems, as these have a negative effect on his self-esteem, and bad self esteem can lead to a lack of sex drive.

And I think you're really figuring something important out--that when you feel good about your husband and baby, other people's opinions don't seem important. That's the first step to figuring out what makes you happy, and learning that other people's opinions are like noses--everybody's got one, so no one's opinion is no more important than any other...

Even though things aren't perfect, it sounds like you really are making progress in focusing more on you and your husband and baby and less on what other's think. Staying focused on your own, rather than comparing, is a great way to enjoy your own life much, much more.

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