This group was as a result of a referral by my mental health team. I have expressed my concerns to them but they keep saying that I should stick with it. This group is for up to 2 years work, followed by a year of intensive psychotherapy (3 days a week, 2 sessions per day). It has, evidently, got great results and is the only therapeutic community in the south east.
I know that not many people get offered a place but I can't just change to what they want me to be. It was the actual facilitators that have made the comments to me ... if it had been another member I think I would have brushed it off.
The main facilitator knows my background ie the abuse, my relationship with my mum, how trust is a huge issue for me etc, which is why I am confused about her reaction this week. I have no problem with being challenged but I can't cope with feeling attacked.
I know that if I ring and say I'm not going this week then they will say that I should go and talk about this at the group. Maybe in an ideal world I should do exactly that, but I am scared of saying the wrong thing ... plus, I have only been there for 7 weeks and don't yet feel comfortable talking in front of everyone.
I have had a lifetime of being told that everything I said or did was wrong, so these remarks have just served to reinforce those beliefs.
I have a meeting with another new care coordinator this week so maybe I will talk with her although, because of things that have happened with care coordinators on this team, I cannot trust her.
Sorry, I'm feeling scared and very alone at the moment and I can't trust my own judgement anymore. I want to walk away but then I'm scared that I can't get better without it (mainly because they all keep telling me that this is what I need).
Sorry Kate. I think I need to find someone to talk all of this out with.