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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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Micheal! Please excuse the delayed response to your reply.

Resolved Question:

Hi Dr. Micheal! Please excuse the delayed response to your reply. B/c I have an IPad it was unenabling me to open the link. My friend is a whiz and he helped me open the word document but all it had was your contact info. We'll try again today.
Ok, so first I felt such a weight lifted off of me. Your support helps me remain sane. Hearing words of encouragement that I had mental clarity was like getting an A on a report card. Unfortunetly, you will probably give me a "C" b/c as much as I obsessed over your words, constantly reminding myself to take things slow...I failed miserably.
Here's what happened: After my date with the Marine Gunnery Recruiter. I contacted him a few days later. Annoyed, b/c he had been MIA after our date....he told me he was stressed. His career may be in jeopardy b/c a recruit had on gauge earrings in bootcamp which is against the rules. Anyways he is lining up new jobs, and is awaiting a final ruling on his career. Stupid and strict right? So ridiculous. Anyways he told me he needed me, we had a heart to heart about it. I tried to cheer him up, one thing led to another and we had sex. The chemistry is explosive, it's damn hard to resist him.
Anyhow all these dating articles I'm reading said men love the chase blah blah, so of course now I feel panicky. Will I never learn? We slept together Thursday, and Friday I felt happy and sad....I need a secure relationship before I have sex....blame it on the Oxytocin which is turning into Limerence. Anyways, logic dictates to me to pull back and somehow communicate I need him to be my bf. This is all- all contrary to your advice. What should I do? Now I have to find the correct coy, I like you but let's slow things down, stupid dating game that annoys the shit out of me :). Excuse my language.
Anyhow I'm not putting my ovaries in one basket, still talking to other guys but just for amusement. Oh! And my husband left me a note this morning saying he can't take the silence....he left for 2 weeks, he loves me, and when he returns he'll move out in Feb. YAY!!!! I'm so happy. Finally feel free :).
You are the best! I think I signed up for unlimited questions for 1 month.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 5 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

O.K., I think we need to get you to really start paying attention to these little flashes of self thought and self-talk that precede your impulsive behaviors. This will help your wise rational mind become more dominant and "in control". For example, I'm sure you formed some hypotheses about why the military guy was MIA after your date. Good to be cautious here based on this lapse---it may be nothing but will you watch for other evidence of him being late, lax, not quite following through now and then, etc. Your wise mind can help you pause and review all of the various speculations about what happened exactly and NOT DRAW CONCLUSIONS, but merely use them to be careful and watchful. Your wise rational mind would also tell you that the there may very well be more to his story about why his job is in jeopardy. There is strict and there is irrational strict, and this sounds a bit irrational strict, does it not? Again, you don't need to draw conclusions, but your wise rational mind needs to ask, "Well his story about his job being in jeopardy due to this single incident is plausible, but it does sound a little severe or over-the-top. Might there be more to the story. I should just be careful and mindful and watch for any other implausible explanations that don't quite fit, when things go wrong for him".

How to slow down? Maybe explain to him that your very early, intense sexual activity has run far ahead of your chance to 'get to know him well' and your emotions and that you want to slow things down. Now, you'll have to give him examples of what you mean exactly i.e., what behavior adds up to slowing down. It is entirely up to you of course what this means---can't help you here. But any quality, decent guy will have empathy for women and know exactly what you mean; they are at least smart and experienced enough that women approach relationships differently than men in the emotional-attachment process and that your request is reasonable.

You can do all of the above---it just takes a little work, and THINKING well in advance of doing. For awhile, question everything and take a tentative, 'what if' approach to all aspects of a new relationship. Doing this engages your wise rational mind. Glad you are talking to other guys for amusement and 'practice'. What do you think?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, I burst out laughing after reading your latest reply. It's almost seems like I don' t think :)
The problem is I spend hours researching data, reading dating articles, trying to figure out the best response...then I get tired of being so methodical and go with my impulses. To see if his story is plausible I called my friend whom has the same rank and position in the National Guard. He said his story was plausible, he may or may not get fired from his job, but not the military. So thanks for that tip! My empathy won't cause me to have sex too soon.
Ok so now I got a little bit of freedom. My ex is out of the house, I want to have a small get- together and celebrate is that ok? Just champagne and a little fruit and a cute guy to smooch. Can I allow myself that small pleasure, or should I discipline myself?
In the past I realize I feel off balance and panicky when I date a super hot successful guy, for example Rob Lowe
look-alike stockbroker, Ju-Jitsu pharmacist, and now this conflicted Marine. My ex boyfriend was a psychotherapist PHD student. Ironic huh? He would think about things all the time and never act. Anyways, I don't want to waste your time blabbing about guys I used to date.
Ok so let's revisit this impulse problem. What is causing me to be impulsive? Do you have a theory? Should I work on my self esteem- perhaps becoming so high maintenance and self confident that part of my personality is
quelled? How do you know it's not just spontaneous? I figured it's part of being an athlete....acting on impulse.
The only thing I'm afraid of is coming across like a little girl who can't handle having sex early in a relationship. But it's true. I want to come across as a sexy vixen who is a PRIZE so being cautious is the way I can suss out men have true potential to be with me. If it's ok with you, I would like to continue chatting with you. I'm trying to be rational and utilize your time the best way possible. Should I get a therapist or psychoanalyst? I have health insurance. Also, would you like me to send you my dating guide? It's 13 pages long, I wrote it last year. It's merely a guide I wrote if men want to date me so we'll avoid hiccups in the road.
Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 5 years ago.

You said, "My ex is out of the house, I want to have a small get- together and celebrate is that ok? Just champagne and a little fruit and a cute guy to smooch. Can I allow myself that small pleasure, or should I discipline myself?"

Yes, by all means!!! Do this!

I do have a theory. Despite your orientation toward thinking things through and doing research, SOMETHING is happening inside of your head just prior to your doing something that is impulsive but a bit self-defeating or regretful. Whatever thoughts or self-talk occurs immediately before you act out is conscious, but you aren't yet attending to it or monitoring it. What you can do is lie down on a couch and replay, like literally a movie inside of your head, the events of your last, impulsive act e.g., maybe agreeing to sleep with this last guy or the decision to actually have sex. Moments or seconds before you agreed or succumbed, you thought certain thoughts to yourself or engaged in some form of self-talk---probably justifying, rationalizing, reassuring yourself, or you may have had a visual fantasy at that moment. If you do this exercise, you might identify it or recall it quite accurately; then write it down. Do this a number of times and see if there isn't a pattern to the thoughts that represent your irrational, emotional mind, rather than your wise rational mind, at those particular moments. I really would want you to become much more self-aware of what you say to yourself and the internal dialogue that might occur between your emotional thinking and your wise rational mind----probably some debates go on. And, you've got the link i sent so now feel free to use it--I'd love to see your dating guide. Oh, another thought, there is quite a difference between being spontaneous, assertively 'fun' but doing it all using your wise rational mind. To be spontaneous, assertively fun', and so forth but without monitoring by your wise rational mind, means you are prone to continue to act in impulsive, somewhat self-defeating ways.
Dr. Michael and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Dear DoctorMichael,
Please follow up with my 1/28/2012 10:19:06 PM UTC accepted question.
Original Question URL:
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 5 years ago.
I followed up with you via the other question on that link. So this particular link can be closed out if you wish.
Dr. Michael and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Dr.Micheal,
I accepted your answer but I lost my debit card inside a cab Sat night, and the new one will be here around Wed. I want to be able to leave you a tip!!! Your a wonderful resource and it's rude not to.
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 5 years ago.
I'm very flattered. Thank you and please feel free to ask for assistance if you wish, in the future.
Dr. Michael and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you