Hey Kate. Just thought I'd let you know that the new meds helped and I slept much better last night. I didn't even have any nightmares
, which was pretty cool. I am feeling better about the whole situation, really. I still feel super-emotional, but I believe you, my therapist and my psychologist when you say this needs to happen. So I can deal with it, if I know it is temporary, normal, and will result in something better.
Before that conversation with the psychologist a few weeks ago, I had felt like I was about to burst anyway. I was so angry at myself I felt like I was going to explode. I told my therapist that for some reason, I had a strong feeling that if I just sliced or stabbed myself a little, it would give me some relief. I have never done that before, and frankly, did
not understand people that did that at all (I think I assumed that it was an attention-seekng thing, which was unfair of me), and didn't know why I was all of the sudden getting that compulsion, like I KNEW it would give me a release. She said that this is why people cut - for relief/release. I asked her later if it works, and she said it gives a second of relief, but then makes it worse, and creates a mess. I also read online that it is really addictive - like if you do it once, you won't be able to stop. Is that true? I mean, I won't do it. But why this compulsion? It is weird. It feels like just a little hole would release all this pent-up pressure and emotion. But I am guessing this is not true?
Also - yesterday, when my therapst was telling me what her director and colleagues thought, it upset me that they commented on how "brutal" or "traumatic" the incident was. That makes me feel like it was not an ordinary kind of thing, and maybe I won't get better. My therapist acts like this was like the worst thing. And the comments about getting through that and living were upsetting. I am not satisfied with that. I want more. I want to be completely normal. On the other hand, my psychiatrist and my minister/friend both told me that I would be shocked about some of the things that happen to people and that people tell them. My psychiatrist even shared some of the things. That upsets me, too. I feel like what happened was not as big of a deal as I am currently making it out in my head to be, and I have no right to have the issues I'm having. Do you know what I mean?
I think I may have raised this issue before, but yesterday when we were on the phone with my psychiatrist, my therapist was telling her that I still had major issues with guilt over the choices I made. My psychiatrist said "As I told S, I don't think she had a choice. We all like to think we have choices, but the fact is she didn't. The only other choice was to die." So -- I have been thinking before and more now. If I have no choice in some things, then it is scary how random the world is. That means something like this could happen again. What would I do if it did?