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For MNPsychiatrist: I need some advice with this girl I've

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For MNPsychiatrist: I need some advice...
For MNPsychiatrist:
I need some advice with this girl I've been seeing. Her name is ***** ***** and I have been working together for the last 10 months. Up till December 1st 2011, Ann and I had been really good friends, flirted and hung out both in and out of work. Ann has a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend. I broke up with my girlfriend because it did not work out with her and I. Not because of Ann but that it was long-distance. Ann is also in a long distance relationship about 7 months into it. She told me that when she first came here she liked me, she was single and I had a girlfriend. Between May of 2011 and December we flirted, hung out, had an awesome time. Ann and I both agreed.
On December 1st 2011, Ann and I kissed each other. And we started to see each other. She invited me over to her house and we spent time together throughout the entire month on December. We would cuddle, kiss, hug, oral sex but never full intercourse. I went on Christmas vacation and she asked me to drop by her house. She invited me for dinner at her parents, she was visiting them for Christmas. And had me meet her best friend. She told me that her parents loved me, that her mom said I was very social and I came from a good family. Her sister told her, that I was cute and she should date me. Her best friend told her that she should try it with me since we have so much fun together and laugh together all the time. She told me that she loved seeing me in when I came to visit. Before this and during the entire part of our vacation we texted one another and had phone conversations. We would text for hours on end and we would talk everyday even for 3 hours. I sent her a dozen red roses right before Christmas and bought her some small crystal elephants. I came back early from vacation and we both hung out together, she said she loved it. She was excited to see me.
She tells me that she cares for me. And that she could see herself with me. When she was with her boyfriend she called me to say that she was thinking about me and missed me. Recently we decided to slow things down, she explained that she feels awful because she has a boyfriend. And doesn't want to be rebound since I was in a semi-serious relationship. She says she would be jealous if we were together and if she saw other girls flirt with me. When I'm away she tells me she misses me. She always messages me and wants to talk! She said we feel the same but she thinks I feel less than what I think it is.
Im looking for some honest feedback, please be straight forward.
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 1 hour by:
1/16/2012
Mental Health Professional: psychlady, Therapist replied 6 years ago
psychlady
psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6,893
Experience: Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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I don't want to upset you and I am the mother of two nice adults too. However I feel it is my duty to let you know that only your daughter when she is tired of being taken advantage of is the only one that can decide when and it she has had enough. Your daughter has chosen her and she has to decide if she is an opportunist. Every thing in life is a lesson and when things happen that are hurtful we learn from them. You can't teach her what she hasn't learned from life yet. She will decide at some point being the responsible adult if she cares to continue this relationship. You will cause more harm than good by telling your daughter more than once about her girlfriend. Once is helpful advice. More than that is a wedge between you and her.

I would instead offer advice that gets your point home without sounding like criticism. When she comes for dinner use this as a learning experience. Say very nicely something that addresses her being an imposition. When you address the problem a little at a time you may make a bigger impact

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
This answer was intended for For MNPsychiatrist:
I do not accept this answer.
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
This answer was intended for For MNPsychiatrist:
I do not accept this answer. Your answer does not make sense, I apologize if I am too forward. Maybe this was an error.
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Relist: Inaccurate answer.
Mental Health Professional: MN Psychiatrist, Psychiatrist replied 6 years ago
MN Psychiatrist
MN Psychiatrist, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 792
Experience: Physician for 17 years, adult psychiatrist for 13 years working with a wide variety of patients.
Verified
Hello, again.
I was offline for a couple of weeks, but am back now.
Before I respond in more detail, can you let me know what her plans have been regarding her breaking up with her boyfriend? Why has she not broken up with him?
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I don't know she gives me a whole slew of things. She feels that she might end up being a rebound with me. She said that we both feel the same but how I feel towards her is a little less then what I think. She also feels that her boyfriend did nothing wrong. She tells me she feels great when she's with me but when I leave she feels guilty. She tells me that her boyfriend is not romantic like me, that they don't talk like her and I do, that me and him are completely different that he acts like he's in high school. That it's not easy and natural being with him as it is with me. She keeps saying that even though were a perfect match and we want the same things in life but she's just confused. She asked me once if she was making a mistake and I told her I couldn't tell her, thats something she needs to figure it out. A couple days ago I asked her if she would trust me if we dated and she didn't respond. She then asked me and I told her I would trust her. She said she would be jealous with me if her and I dated. She tells me why can't you be mean like me. A couple of days ago I told her that I didn't want to see her upset and confused over all this and we should be just friends, I was polite and acted friendly, I told her I just wanted to see her smile again, that I would give anything for it. And then after 8 hours, I was sitting down on a desk, she comes up and hugs me from the back. But whenever I go to kiss her now she pulls away. I know she's seeing her boyfriend, next week. She says she's unsure if she's going down to see him. She told him that her and I are having dinner and drinks tonight and he said, "oh just you two," and she replied, "it's not like that. I had to press her to say that. But it broke my heart hearing that. I feel like a boyfriend without being a boyfriend. Her mom has been asking her about me since I got back. Her best friend told her that she should date me from what she told her about me. I sent her a dozen red roses right before Christmas and I understood that she could not say they were from me. But when her Mother asked if they were from her boyfriend she said yes. She said she felt so angry that she gave her boyfriend false credit. Please be blunt. I don't know if this response is of any help. I even came back early from my vacation to spend time with her, she told she would love to see me. It feels like when I'm away her true feelings come to a surface but when Im around and she's about to see her boyfriend she begins to push me away and change to be ready to see her boyfriend. When I was visiting her and her family during the break she told me that if this was to work we would both have to be single. Could she be using me for the closeness since her boyfriend and her are long-distance?
Please be blunt, not too sure if this helps.
Mental Health Professional: MN Psychiatrist, Psychiatrist replied 6 years ago
This is helpful information.
I cannot say if she's using you for closeness since her boyfriend is away, or not, but it doesn't make sense that she is still with him if she has more fun with you and prefers to be with you.

It's one thing if she is worried about being in a rebound relationship, but even if that's what it turns out to be, then it's not like it has to be permanent. On the other hand, if she's not giving you and her a chance (by still having her boyfriend in the picture), then she's not giving you and her a chance to see where things go. Maybe it's rebound, but maybe it's just that she finally met the right guy for her that is the reason why she enjoys you so much.

Really, what she needs to do is figure out which of you two she wants. You've done your part here; you broke up with your girlfriend to pursue her, and if she wants you, then she needs to break up with her boyfriend. At this point she knows you well enough to know what it will be like to date you, so nothing's to be gained by her dragging this out. Ultimately, she will either end up with one of you, or neither of you. Trying to halfway hang onto both of you will most likely lead to her ending up with neither of you, rather than one of you.

Also, it's hurtful that she lied about the roses and told her boyfriend "it's not like that," when it is like that. This would be a non-issue, though, if she'd already broken up with him. If you can, gently try to help her see how this has hurt you.
Does this make sense?
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Would you be able to clarify this part: Maybe it's rebound, but maybe it's just that she finally met the right guy for her that is the reason why she enjoys you so much.
I think she has to make a decision after seeing her boyfriend next week. I should tell her today.
What do you think? Thank you again!
Mental Health Professional: MN Psychiatrist, Psychiatrist replied 6 years ago
What I mean is that it could be rebound (fear of being alone, etc), or she could simply be so attracted to you and to being with you because you're such a good fit for each other (you're romantic, you make her laugh, etc). In other words, if you're a good fit, then you're a good fit, and it may have nothing whatsoever to do with rebound.
MN Psychiatrist
MN Psychiatrist, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 792
Experience: Physician for 17 years, adult psychiatrist for 13 years working with a wide variety of patients.
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Thank you.
Mental Health Professional: MN Psychiatrist, Psychiatrist replied 6 years ago
Glad to help. Let me know how it goes.
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
She invited me over for dinner we ate, had a couple beers, cuddled and fell asleep when we woke up she said no we cant do this. So I told her I need to tell her something, and I told her that the last 11 months especially the last 2 months were incredible. That I know I have treated her like the only girl in the world. But despite everything we have had, if she still cant make a decision, then she most likely never will. I told her that doesn't mean I don't care about her or negates everything I said before. I still care about her and that she should take some time and think about it, see her boyfriend and talk to me after. I told her I would love to be friends but for now, I can't. I told her that some of the things she said to me tore me up. I knew that when I sent her the a dozen roses right before Christmas that people would ask if her boyfriend sent them. But when she told her boyfriend about us getting dinner and drinks at her place and he said oh just you two and she replied, "its not like that" I told her it really tore me up, because it is like that. Her eyes welled up and she said I'm sorry, her arms were crossed the entire time. I kissed her and hugged her and left.
Earlier in the night she tried putting her hand around my neck and pushed it away, she tried grabbing and I pushed her away. I miss her terribly and I feel bad. What do you think, please be blunt was I wrong in doing this in your opinion? Thank you again for this!
Mental Health Professional: MN Psychiatrist, Psychiatrist replied 6 years ago
I'm sorry it hurts like this.
I know you want to be with her, but you are 100% right in your thinking that she needs to figure out if she wants her boyfriend or you. As honestly as I can say it, I believe that you are doing the right thing, and that you've done communicated why you must do that in a straightforward manner.

The only caveat I would say to what you've shared is that it is possible that she may still be able to make a decision. Whether or not you want to be with someone who cannot make a decision at this point in time is a very valid question, but it is possible that your being apart will "shock" her into seeing how much she misses you - or doesn't; if she does, and if she's surprised at how much she misses you, then she may realize that she wants/needs you.

You've been a gentleman towards her, open, honest, and kind. I think you've handled this well. At this point, I don't know that it's over for good. It could be, but it certainly may not be, and I think I'd be unfair to say that it pretty much is over.

Does this make sense?
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Thank you again. It seems that time here is the answer. It sucks because she told me that she wakes up everyday thinking about me. And today waking up and realizing that she's not in my life sucks. But I think we both distance. And I hope that we both are at least friends in the future.
Thank you.
Mental Health Professional: MN Psychiatrist, Psychiatrist replied 6 years ago
You're welcome.
MN Psychiatrist
MN Psychiatrist, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 792
Experience: Physician for 17 years, adult psychiatrist for 13 years working with a wide variety of patients.
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MN Psychiatrist
MN Psychiatrist
MN Psychiatrist, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 792
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