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I guess when i was about 13, is when I first noticed being

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depressed. I felt so "outside"...
I guess when i was about 13, is when I first noticed being depressed. I felt so "outside" of everything that was going on at the time. I didnt fit in anywhere, especially at home. My mom and step father ignored my most of the time and yelled and hit me the rest of the time. They treated my little sister the complete opposite, they showered her with love and praise. I guess its because she was my stepfather's real daughter, and i was literally the redheaded step child.
I was old enough then to see the different ways the treated us. They never hit her, but they had childrens services called on them for beating me with the metal handle of a fly swatter. Mom hit me with everything she could find; sticks, shoes, remote controls, belts, and as i got older, her fist.
By the time I was 15, I had already been cutting myself for a while. I had kept is secret by cutting on different places. But once my mom caught me, I was scared that she would be mad, but i was more relieved. I thought that she would be worried about me and things would be better. But she just laughed at me and called me melodramatic and told me i better not make a mess.
Things continued this way until I was about 17. My stepfather snuck into my room while i was asleep and crawled into bed with me. I woke up while he was molesting me. Who knows how many times he had done this. He tried to rape me twice. I told my mom and my sister, but they thought I was lying. He had been my stepfather since i was 4 years old. He was like a father to me. He still lives with my mom and sister and i am 26 years old now. I moved in with my boyfreind and his parents very soon afterward. My bfs mother was an alcoholic meth head, who eventually tried to murder me with a broken 40 ounce bottle of King Cobra. I had to move back in with my parents.
I went alot like that for a few more years, bad relationships and drugs. I did a lot of drugs. But i finally got on a good track. I quit drugs, moved a couple states away from my parents, and met a wonderful man. I have been with him now for 4 years. He takes care of me while I go to school for my RN, he has three girls from a previous marriage, and i love them so much. I get along with them wonderfully. Everything should be great... But its not.
I feel so unhappy all of the time. I think about killing myself more often now. I have even lost alot of the fear i had about suicide, when i was a teenager. I feel defective, like something messed up in the recipe when i was born. I feel empty. i feel like I am missing some vital piece of something, maybe my soul. I have crazy moods swings. sometimes I am so angry I feel like Im going to explode. I cant handle small changes or little problems. My Bf tries to be understanding, but who can handle this? I cant even handle it. I feel like I am going to lose him, and the girls. I think if i lose them, I will have no reason to be here anymore.
I pray to catch some fatal disease, and if its painful it would be even better. I cry all the time. I'm so tired. I read about this fly in Africa, that makes you fall asleep forever. I became obessed with it for awhile. I dropped out of all my classes at school. My Bf doesnt even know yet even though its been a couple semesters. I stopped talking to all my friends and most of my family. Its almsot like i'm already dead. I know there is something wrong with me, that I need help. I took a few of the quizzes on this site and the results said that I "likely" had Major Depressive Disorder, mild to moderate ADD, Borderline bipolar II disorder, and (Borderline) Borderline Personality Disorder.
If that is true, then is there even a chance that I could be normal, and be happy? Or will i end up a medication zombie? If i do end up a zombie, how would it be better than this? I feel so hopeless, i dont think anything can help me now. I beleive that my BF will leave me, and i will be alone forever. All my thought point to one solution. How can anyone make this go away?
Sorry my thoughts are all over the place. I cant seem to organize them
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 23 minutes by:
1/16/2012
Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 6 years ago
TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

I agree with you, it does sounds like you are depressed. Major depression is characterized by not only depression, but suicidal feelings/attempts. The only way to know for sure is to be evaluated by a therapist or psychiatrist, but your description of your symptoms do sound like depression.

You most likely feel depressed because of your childhood. You were physically, emotionally and sexually abused and neglected. There was no opportunity for you to connect to anyone and get the love and attention you needed. You had to fend for yourself and try to meet your own needs. When you go through childhood without getting your needs met, you lack the feeling of security and belonging that all children deserve. Children who are abused have a hard time understanding why they feel as they do and what the cause of their feelings are. Because of this, they often turn the feelings onto themselves, convincing themselves that it is their fault for being unlovable. This sometimes leads to cutting and almost always leads to depression.

Cutting yourself is a sign of deep pain. At the time you had no where to put your pain. You tried to tell your mother what was happening with your step father and she just turned it back on you, blaming you instead. This caused you deep pain, along with all the abuse you suffered already and no way to release or express how you felt. Cutting provided some temporary relief, but since it cannot solve your problems, you never feel your pain is resolved.

Getting help for yourself and getting better may involve medications, but medications are only needed if you feel you cannot function in your life. Therapy and self help are the best ways for you to address your past and help you recover from the abuse and trauma you suffered. You mentioned that you did see a therapist for couples counseling, but individual therapy would be the best option for your situation now. Between the support from your family and the help of a therapist, you can recover and feel better. It may not feel that way now, but you can. Here are some resources to help you get started:

To find a therapist, ask your doctor for a referral. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

http://helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm

http://helpguide.org/topics/depression.htm

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/complete-index.shtml

You can also join support groups either on line or in person. Here is a link to help:

http://psychcentral.com/resources/Depression/Support_Groups/

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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