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I've been married for nearly 10 years, in that time we've had four children and our marriage is not the best.

I come from abandonment of...

I've been married for nearly 10 years, in that time we've had four children and our marriage is not the best. I come from abandonment of both parents and a rocky childhood. I am a big communicator, however. These past few years have gotten more and more difficult in our marriage, I am lonely, lacking his attention, needing a connection with an adult and my emotional needs have not been met. When the kids were asleep, I would look forward to quality time with him, but instead he turned to video games, internet games and movies. Overtime, the sex was less and less frequent too. He worked a lot of hours, still does and I was really in need of adult interaction. This past year, I met someone online. We began an emotional affair, when my husband found out he asked me to stop, but I couldn't. I was starved for a connection, so I snuck and told him I stopped. My husband put 3rd party spyware on my laptop and watched everything I did, without me knowing and rediscovered my emotional affair hadn't ended. He decided to start a divorce so I could be with this online 'love' interest. This online love interest fed me all the right words and fulfilled more emotions then I had received in some time. We eventually met in person and had sex, with the plans to marry and be together after my divorce. I felt he was the one I was supposed to be with, because of how we connected. Just a few weeks after the sexual encounter, he ended the relationship abruptly and we are no longer in contact. I am now in a situation where I am back to being lonely and without an emotional connection. I can't sleep at night and I am really depressed. Surprisingly, my husband knowing the outcome of this love interest gone awry, is now pursuing a 'daily' sexual relationship with me, which he has never done before in the years prior. In the meantime, he is still not meeting my emotional needs in return. I feel so rejected, I had been open and honest about my needs for so long but to no avail and I truly believe that pushed me into accepting this other mans enticing advances that left me addicted and not able to stop. My husband doesn't want to work on fixing this marriage and when I tell him I strayed out of loneliness, he refuses to accept he played a part in my infidelity and is not willing to reconcile, tho he admits knowing I came to him for a long time about wanting intimacy with him emotionally and sexually. I am so confused. Why would my husband desire to have sex with me, but not want to reconcile our marriage? How do I heal after not only being rejected emotionally by my husband, but now by this internet affair gone bad?

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Answered in 3 hours by:

1/15/2012

Mental Health Professional: Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist replied 11 years ago

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist

Category: Mental Health

Satisfied Customers: 7,664

Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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Dear friend,

I believe that your husband does not know how to make an emotional connection to you. He perhaps believes that by having frequent sex with you he is either:

showing you that he cares for you, for he believes this is the ultimate demonstration of love and caring
using sex as a weapon of power and control over you OR
believes he can hold you as his wife by having frequent sex, although he is still unwilling to commit emotionally

I strongly urge you both to go to see a licensed marrage and family therapist, one that you both trust, in order to try to reconcile your broken relationship. This would be the best outcome, since you have four children. Tell him that you want to learn how to communicate and love each other again, and tell him that if he is unwilling to try, with professional help, then you will divorce him and he will have to leave your home and pay child support. Tell him that you want a real relationship with him, and if he is unwilling to start over, with professional help, then you are done.

If he refuses then you must call his bluff and talk to the best attorney you can find for divorces and custody. Once he gets that subpoena to appear in court, he may yet change his mind. If he doesn't care, then you are spinning your wheels and setting yourself up for a loveless and isolated life.

Try for the gold. If you fail, you still have a life ahead of you filled with potential for happiness. You do not want to settle for a miserable life. If he is incapable of having a loving relationship with you, then accept it and move on. Any other choice is not good enough and will not bring you satisfaction.

I wish you great strength and perseverance.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

However, if he is not willing then you

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist

Category: Mental Health

Satisfied Customers: 7,664

Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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Customer reply replied 11 years ago

Thank you so much for your reply, but I would like to narrow down why he wants sex with me after I had an affair? He refuses to sleep in our room at night and has been sleeping on the other side of the house, on the couch in our game room. I said, why don't you just sleep in here with me and he won't answer. He knows that I am terrible at sleeping alone, so this makes me wonder if he is doing it for control or power over me. I can understand that I hurt him by straying, tho he has shown little to no emotion and even encouraged the internet affair. A friend of mine, from out of state, offered me a job. I can't leave my boys 3,000 miles behind, but he is encouraging me to go get my 'feet on the ground'. It's as if it doesn't matter if I am here or not to him. I have brought up counseling for our marriage since this, but he says he doesn't need it and would be happy to see me go and possibly he will go too.

Mental Health Professional: Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist replied 11 years ago

Dear friend,

He is definitely using sex as a weapon against you and is trying and succeeding on hurting you. Do you really want to separate from your children by such a great distance? Would you consider this a lack of committment to them? Is it possible for you to take the job and take your children with you? That seems like the best solution if you want to dislocate yourself from your current address.

Why do you accept his sexual advances every night? If he is not forcing you, then it is your choice. If he is forcing you, then it is rape and you can do to him what he did to you by keeping a hidden recording device or even miniature video recorder to document what he does to you.

If he refuses counseling, then he is saying that he is done with trying. I urge you to stop the sex now, and make your plans without getting his permission or feedback. I also urge you to take your kids with you if you don't want to lose them.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Customer reply replied 11 years ago

I do not want to separate from my children, I know how important it is to be present on a day to day basis. I am also not financially prepared to take them to another state with me and he's already expressed that he wants full custody of them and full rights to the house (even tho I'm in a 50/50 state).
He is not forcing me to have sex with him per say, physically. However, he is holding over my head my inability to provide for myself and how he is caring for me when I don't deserve to be taken care of. In essence, it is his trade off with me. From this point forward, I will decline. I will also seek some legal advice about my rights, as I know taking a stand will cause some waves and I don't feel he has the right to full custody.
As for counseling, I did sit down with him this afternoon and ask if we could repair our marriage with counseling and he said no, I now know what direction I must take. My children are 9, 8, 7 & 5. They do not know about our current marital status, what divorce entails and I am doing my best to make sure their daily life is unaffected for as long as possible. I am sure they feel the tension at times, tho we discuss our issues privately away from little ears.
Thank you for your time Elliott, it has been most helpful.

Mental Health Professional: Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist replied 11 years ago

I agree. Get legal help. He cannot get full custody, and in fact you more likely than he will get custodial rights with him getting equal or partial custody. He wants you out of the house so he can say that you abandoned him and the children.

A decent attorney can give you your share of the house, make him move out, give you custodial rights, and make him pay full child support for the children and possibly even alimony for you.

You are the one with the most power and leverage. If he wants to play that way he will not be happy unless you give it all away. This is your battle to lose.

Best of luck,

Elliott

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist

Category: Mental Health

Satisfied Customers: 7,664

Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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