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Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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My husband always wants to change my personality. I am a

Resolved Question:

My husband always wants to change my personality. I am a exstreme person normally I do and then I think. I try to change and be more of a thinker. Can I change at my age
(41)? We are married for 21 years and that was always his problem with me.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.

Thanks for bringing your question to JustAnswer.

This sounds like more of a control issue than a personality issue. While you may need to think more carefully before acting, it's also possible you act impulsively and quickly so that you get to do what you want to do before he has a chance to tell you you're wrong.

Perhaps the way to start dealing with this is to think things through, but when he disagrees about your decision, tell him something like " I appreciate that you have a different opinion, but I'm a grown woman, and this is how I like to do things." When he makes unwanted suggestions for how to run your life, you can say "You may be right, but I'm going to try it this way." This acknowledges that you heard his ideas, but also reinforces that you have your own way of doing things.

Some men are just very controlling by nature, but control issues are also a hallmark of people who grew up in a home where there was a lot of chaos. (alcoholism, raging, abuse, mental illness). These people learn at an early age that they have to be very careful, think things out, and they tend to want to impose "order" on others (as a reaction to the chaos).

If, on the other hand, your actions cause real problems in your life (other than him complaining), you could get assessed to see if you have undiagnosed ADHD. Many women don't find out until adulthood that they have this. But I have a feeling this is more about him imposing his will and opinions on you...

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