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Brad The Therapist
Brad The Therapist, LCPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 549
Experience:  10 years of experience in working with youth and adults
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I am a straight married male. I was in a relationship 30

Customer Question

I am a straight married male. I was in a relationship 30 years ago with a woman I was madly in love with. We were engaged to be married. I was 27 at the time (now 57). Every few months, she would go to the bar, get drunk and then go somewhere with one or sometimes several men and have sex or group sex with them. Afterwards, she would then stay in her room not talking to anybody, cry and read her Bible for a couple of days and then would finally come out. She was remorseful and always honest with me about what she had done (she was later diagnosed as a schizophrenic but I only suspected mental illness at the time). I stayed with her for several years and we had a daughter together. At first I was very jealous of her infidelity and I am sure it hurt my self esteem as I thought we had great sex together and didn't understand her need for going outside of our relationship for more. Because I didn't want to leave her, I think I eroticsized the fear and jealousy and start to be turned on by fantasizing about her with the other men when I masturbated or had intercourse. It became the trigger that would bring me to orgasm. After we split up, it took me over 10 years to get over her and when I was with other women, I still fantasized about her with having sex with the other men. I married my current wife 13 years ago and for the 2nd time in my life fell madly in love. We have always had a very honest relationship and she told me many stories of her past sexual experiences so I started doing the same thing with her; fantasizing about her with other men. This worked fine until about a year ago my original friend from 30 years ago died of cancer. I spent a week with her at the hospice. After that my sexual performance with my wife gradually declined to the point of full ED about 6 months ago. I also started wanting to see my fantasies come true, but it is not something she is interested in at this point in our lives. While I had ED, I had no problem masturbating. I recently found out I am low in testosterone and have started replacement injections which have made me feel better. I have also started taking Cialis which has cured the ED, but now I am having problem having an orgasm with my wife. The fantasies don't work anymore. I can orgasm from masturbation, but have been trying to refrain from doing that because I want to do that with my wife. I am also seeing a therapist as I am sure most of my problems are psychological. I love my wife dearly and would like to get rid of these fantasizes of her with other men as I don't feel they are healthy, no longer seem to work as a trigger to orgasm and I feel guilty thinking these thoughts about my wife who is loyal and faithful. Any thought on how I might work on this stuff? Sometimes I think I have an unusually high libido for my age. I am considering seeing a sex therapist as my regular therapist doesn't see to have a lot of expertise in this area and keeps wanting me to find a religious solution. I want a more clinical solution.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mind MD replied 5 years ago.
You are quite correct in your assessment that a sex therapist would certainly be helpful in this situation, just medicines will not help,However here are a few thoughts that may help,1. Maybe you guys should try role playing or extened fore play lasting at least an hour to stimulate yourselves2. Both of you may consider going to a strip club or gogo show. 3. Ask and consider trying out each others fantasies.Lastly, try not to get too anxious about the erection/ intercourse, try to enjoy the entire act including the foreplay, and being together, rather than looking at it from just the point of view of intercourse,All the best !Please remember to accept the answer by pressing the GREEN accept button, do get back for any clarifications
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
It didn't really say anything I didn't already know. I was looking for a more clinical answer from a sex therapist. I am specifically interested in ways to approach modifying behavior or substitution techniques to gradually change negative fantasies into positive ones.
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 5 years ago.
Thank you for your question. Based on the information you have posted, I have a few questions prior to giving suggestions on improving your sexual satisfaction. First when you were masturbating, what are you looking/thinking about when you are being aroused? What is it about your wife that arouses you? After your response, I will be able to give you more specifics of techniques you can use.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
When masturbating I either use my imagination or seek pornography where the woman looks as much as possible like my wife (face, hair color and body type) and the man looks like her lifelong friend and former FWB, who is white and very well endowed (12"). I imagine her having missionary sexual intercourse with him or giving him oral sex. I also think about these same fantasies when I am having intercourse or receiving oral sex from my wife and am getting close to orgasm. It is like it is the trigger to bring on the orgasm, only lately it is not working like it used to for the past 13 years.

Everything about my wife arouses me. Her face and body especially her breasts. Touching her hair. Kissing her. The taste and smell of her when she is sexually aroused. I feel like maybe I am a little obsesively turned on by my wife.
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 5 years ago.
it seems as though you were using the visualization technique when you were mastubating. My suggestion at this point is to replace the imag you had of he lifelong frend and picture yourself reciving oral, missionary, etc. Changing the person in your visualization to yourself and your wife may get you aroused and have an orgasm.
Brad The Therapist, LCPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 549
Experience: 10 years of experience in working with youth and adults
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