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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband cheated on me and refuses to see a marriage

Resolved Question:

My husband cheated on me and refuses to see a marriage counselor or seek help. I forgave him but I don't trust him.My kids are grown, and my gut tells me to get out. We are not living together and as a result my blood pressure is back to normal and I've lost 10% of my body weight. The thought of us being together sends me into a panic attack literally. Why am I having a hard time leaving/divorcing?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

It is very understandable that you no longer trust your husband. He refused to get help to deal with what he did to you and why he did it. An affair is always about the person who is having it, not the other partner. There are many ways to work out problems in a marriage. Having an affair does not help. It only hurts. And your husband has not addressed his affair if he is refusing to get help, which means he could do it again. Plus, not getting help is a way of not facing the pain he caused you, another reason to move on from the marriage.

However, even though your husband had an affair and hurt you, it does not make it easy to leave. You loved your husband and you were devoted to the marriage and your family. You did not want the marriage to end, but because of your husband's actions he leaves you will little choice if you care about your own well being at all. But leaving involves ending that relationship you cared so much about. It means giving up something you felt was important in your life. It also means grieving, which is never easy to face. Any loss is going to cause grief, even if it is a loss that you choose.

Facing grief is never easy. People go through great lengths to avoid feeling grief. But it is an important process to work through in order to feel better. But you can make it easier on yourself. One way is to learn as much as you can about divorce and the grief you may feel about it. Here are some resources to help you:

You may also be feeling anger over what you have been through. It is important that you address it through self help or therapy. This resource may help:

Also, get as much support as you can during your divorce. This is the time to let your friends and family care for you. You may also want to consider therapy to help you. To find a therapist, ask your doctor for a referral. Or you can search on line at

Give yourself time to cope with this loss. As you work through your emotions and gain insight and experience, you will see that you can recover from this.

I hope this has helped you,

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