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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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I am constantly in fear of my boyfriend falling in love with

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I am constantly in fear of my boyfriend falling in love with someone else and leaving me. I read his journal and check his email. Lately we have been fighting more and more. He says he has nothing left to give in our relationship and is seriously considering to break up with me. We moved to South Korea together a year ago. I was working in a job that I hated and was very depressed about. Now I am in a better job and happier. He says that he had to hold me up so much that is part of the reason he is so empty. I love him a lot. I know that I nag him on the little things and always want to be right. I know that there is probably very little I can do to save this relationship. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 5 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

If you sort this problem out, I think you realize that you are actually in a great deal of conflict about how to manage an intimate relationship like this. ON THE ONE HAND, you have these highly insecure, immature emotional trains of thought that prompt you to become jealous, worried about abandonment, and desperate to try to CONTROL everything in the relationship because this 'emotional' train of thought tries to convince you this is what you need to do protect the relationship. On the OTHER HAND, you have an objective, WISE rational and quite smart train of thought that says you are doing some very self-defeating BEHAVIORS that are undermining the relationship. This train of thought tells you that you are regularly saying and doing things that drive your boyfriend crazy because he doesn't know how to cope with someone who is acting needy and insecure and who is constantly trying to 'control' every imperfection in the relationship. It screams at the emotional mind you possess, "Stop acting so insecure, needy and dependent---you are smothering this relationship and killing it".

This "wise mind" you possess is the train of thinking that caused you to write to me because it realizes that your actions have been self-defeating in this relationship. So what I'm suggesting is that there has to be a compromise or some way of reconciling the emotional/needy mind you have and the wise, rational/objective mind you have. This is all about an internal conflict you are experiencing that needs resolving. You may need the help of a cognitive-behavioral therapist who understands the above, to help you sort things out and allow your wise rational mind to primarily guide and direct your behavior. I should pause here and solicit your reaction to my post so far. I'd be interested in hearing what if anything, you gained from the reflections, journaling and listening to audio books you've tried already. I may not be able to respond again until tomorrow a.m., as it is past midnight here and I need to get to sleep for the night. So I appreciate your patience in sorting this problem out.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I think that you have made some very good points about me and my problems.

From journal writing, listening to audio books, and reflecting I have gained some insight into what I am doing to push my boyfriend away. I have noticed patterns that I am a very competitive person. I have a hard time just rolling over and taking blame for things that I didn't think I did, but that my boyfriend will not let go of. If I would just say, "Okay I might have done that, but I didn't realize or mean to and I'm sorry if I did", then he would have let it go. But I say that I didn't think I did anything wrong and we fight about it. I am also very matter of fact. Things are either black or white. I am not the type of person who thinks about the grey areas. Finally, I have been trying to give my boyfriend more space so that he can relax and reflect upon himself.

I would love to talk to a behavioural therapist. Unfortunately, I am in South Korea and therefore I don't have readily available access to them. I was wondering if you know of anyone or way I could come into contact with one to help me. I often feel lost and confused and would love to finally solve these problems. I want to be the best version of me and I think I need someone to guide me. Thank you for your help so far!

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 5 years ago.
You may have to do something over the internet, if you wish to. Typically, you'd want to make sure you had Skype set up. It is free to set up and free to use Skype to Skype, meaning that the therapist is using it as well. This will give you both audio and video conferencing for free. You would pay the therapist an hourly fee, as a rule, or a block of funds for a certain block of time to use as needed. So here is one link you can go to. Just copy and paste this link and then click on the link. Then, click on the download button and access the therapist information and send off an inquiry email asking for cognitive behavioral therapy services.

Let me know if this link doesn't work. You do appear to have the level of insight and cognitive abilities to learn some improved self-talk, to counteract the emotionally-driven thinking and behavior you have been engaged in. I hope this information is helpful to you. Please click on the green Accept button at the bottom of the screen.
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