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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Ive lost all my family over the last 18 months and have been

Customer Question

ive lost all my family over the last 18 months and have been struggling with this. Ive been to my GP and he is arranging concelling. Theres been a best friend of mine whos been there and really helped me as ive been really low. We decided to go away on holiday to get away from everything. 3 weeks before we went my ex partner of 13 years died ,we were still close and it affected me badly. my friend and i went away as it was already booked.Even though i was feeling down i thought it would help.First few days things were good then one night while giving her a massage things got a bit intermate but nothing much and stopped.Thenext day she was fine but i was very offish with her and acted like i wanted to go home which really upset the end of the day we had a bad falling out and came home seperately.I know she was hurt and upset ,it was all my fault i behaved terribly i should have explained how i was feeling but didnt. I know its not my character to be like that and it worries me badly. I also feel terrible for the way i was with my friend who will not see me or answer my calls.Ive hurt and lost the only person left who means so much to me
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 5 years ago.

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how difficult this situation must be for you. First, let me offer to you my condolences on the losses of your loved ones. This is truly a tragic time for you, a time of grief. It sounds as though your friend was trying to fill some of the emotional gaps, to be a help. And she wound up not helping nor filling any of the gaps.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. You are focusing on her being hurt that you acted badly. That is of course part of what is going on and is a big part of her refusal to communicate.

But there's another part that happens so often to friends who want to be a help in these situations: they want to help so much that they lose their judgment of what is appropriate and not appropriate. So as much as you allowed things to become a bit intimate, so did she. This is more common than you think. And it's as unintended on her part as yours. But so often it leads to embarrassment on the friend's part. A sense of shame as well as failing. Failing in that she led you to behave badly.

Therefore, when you email her or text, I recommend you tell her that you want her to know how much you value your friendship and that you think highly of her and respect her.

You don't know if this is going to overcome her hurt and embarrassment. But it is important for you to address it head on and affirm to her that you think highly of her. You might even say outright that you are concerned that she may be embarrassed about what happened and that you hope not because you know it was such an emotionally difficult time all around.

And then it's up to her. You can only make the effort and then you have to wait to see if she can recover from the episode. And reassure her that friendships become stronger when they overcome difficult situations. They're not like china vases that are marred when glued back together. Rather they have more that makes the people care for each other when this happens.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

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