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psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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I love my man dearly & love sex with him, & it used to be

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I love my man dearly & love sex with him, & it used to be great but just lately he seems uninterested. everytime I initiate sex he turns me down, when he is interested its just a "quicky" or I give him oral sex which he loves, but he doesn`t seem to think I need it to. When I try to talk to him about our lack off "real" loving its as if he does me a favour & makes love to me. There is a lot going on in our lives at the moment & we are very unsettled but I realy need to feel loved & desired. I know he loves me but we have only been together 18 months & this doesn`t look good for our sexual future. I am 47 & he is 44 his past relationship but one broke down because she went through menapause & didn`t want sex & she was 11 years older than him, & three months ago he found out his last girlfriend has had his baby & didn`t tell him, which rocked his world & he is trying to gain access to his child. If it was three months that we had had this problem I would understand but it has been for the past year. Idon`t know how to handle this, please help
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

It sounds like he may be letting stress and issues in his environment to effect his desire to have sex. When sex gets very infrequent this can be indicative of emotional issues in one partner, health problems, or just stress related emotions that interfere with the desire to enjoy sex. It can be the relationship but most of the time it is not. He knows why he is disinterested in sex and that is the problem to target. If he is consumed with problems overall in his life then work on this as a couple. The issues have to expressed and resolved though. You can use this as a way to strengthen your bond as a couple. He has to communicate his thoughts and feelings. You can also work on sex by working on intimacy. Schedule date nights that encourage time together without talking about problems that you both are having. Quality time spent on romance will increase time spent on sex. Make sure you have this quality time regardless of what else is happening. Also read my favorite on this subject Mars and Venus in the Bedroom.

You can communicate your needs but first just have fun together. Sometimes if you focus on the lack of sex it puts pressure on the partner. Don't allow this issue to govern your relationship. Learn how to communicate about sex without making this the sole focus.

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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I do understand what you are saying but with the child involved there will always be problems he will have to deal with, his ex & mother off the child will not make it easy for us & we are just about to take on a business & work for ourselves which will add to the stress. Financially to with paying for the child,& hes drinking alot more than normal, he is a big drinker normally but now even more so. He often says "I know you are not getting enough sex but its worth the wait when you do get it".To me thats not good enough, he feels like sex, because as I have said a quicky or oral sex for him is several times a week its making LOVE to me that hes not interested in. Im beginning to think it is me thats not turning him on. He watches porn, with me sometimes & I think hes watching it so he feels horny & can make love to me & that happens sometimes but not offen.more offen than not it results in oral sex for him & he says I will make it up to you later, but later never comes. I am very different to the women he has had in his life before, & I do believe he loves me, but I also am beginning to think that I am good for him in so many ways which he knows, I look after him, I`m good with money,I can help him build his life up again, he wants to be self employed & I am helping him achieve that to, but I am also a bit shy about sex & I don`t think I turn him on enough. Is he useing me to get what he wants in life?I just don`t know. What I do know is that I gave up a lot to be with him & I`m not getting to much out off this relationship. I need to be shown love not just told that I`m loved. Help please
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
I wouldn't jump to any conclusions. He seems to be really struggling. The issues may remain but that doesn't mean he gets to drink or ignore the relationship. He has to get past that. His best choice is to find a professional to talk to before the drinking gets worse. He is self medicating. There is no excuse for that. You may be wonderful but he has to deal with this. I wouldn't assume that you don't turn him on. The circumstances dictate that he is not dealing with his problems. This may be an extension of that. I think he should see one before you give up on him completely
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