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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 395
Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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My wife and I have been married eight years. She recently

Customer Question

My wife and I have been married eight years. She recently told me that she has been unhappy in the bedroom for the last 5 1/2 years. When she originally said something about this, I asked her if she wanted to go to therapy, but she said no, and didn't indicate she's still been unhappy until now. Sex has been extremely infrequent since her original statements to me. I've asked her if she's cheated, and she tells me she hasn't. My position is that she's lied to me for the last 5 1/2 years; when I asked her why, her response was that she was trying to "protect" me. I told her that I didn't think I could get over this, as I feel that our relationship was not important to her This has become
a huge issue. She's now insisting on seeing a therapist: I'm contemplating divorce.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 5 years ago.
You are way over reacting. Why don't you settle down and focus on the issue she raised? Couples go through this all the time, this is not the end of the world. The husband's need for and relationship to sex is very different than is the wife's. Many women have complaints like your wife's but have not cheated and have no intention of cheating. Why would you look for apartments before going to therapy as your wife suggested? If you don't mind me saying I think you are letting your ego get in the way, thus making the problem bigger. You guys don't have to be perfect in the bedroom, you guys do need to work together at it though. Come on don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Just settle down, don't be offended, realize she loves you, and go to a couple of sessions of marriage therapy to help you guys open up the communication. These kinds of problems are a normal part of marriage, it's OK.

If you want, both of you can get on this thread with me and we can talk back and forth some about things.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 5 years ago.
Hello there and thanks for asking JA. I see that you are very hurt and feel that your wife did not tell you the truth about being sexually happy. I think people change sexual as they do emotionally. I agree that a couple has to be able to talk about everything but it looks like your wife is not ready to talk about it. I think seeing a good therapist may help both of you express what you feel. I also understand your frustration as you want your wife to open up to you and tell you what she needs. Can I say that she may not know what she needs. Sex therapy may help her open up to her own sexuality. In my work with couples I think the sexual problems with women happen when they have not been able to express what they like. This may not have anything to do with you but your wife may need to find what makes her tick in bed. I don't think you can do that for her. I also want to ask how are other aspects of your relationship? Sometimes when a woman or men are angry about something they can have a hard time being intimate.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
She told me she wanted sex in a certain position...her major complaint is that she believes I finish too quickly...told her that if that's how she felt, how could I then possibly satisfy her in the position she wanted, as my erection would already be in refractory phase...She has used toys for quite awhile...when she told me the last time she used one, I was upset because I wasn't invited to play along...starting to wondr if we are sexually compatible at all....
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 5 years ago.
Hello there, it sounds like you are upset that your wife started to play with toys without you. I think she is learning about how her body works. I think this problem is a very common one and maybe helping her play with toys before intercourse will help so much. Just tell her how sexy that is and how you love to see her. She is emberassed about it so she does it on her own. Sexual compatibility is important but so is experimentation in a marriage. Also a sex therapist can teach you a simple method of how to delay finishing. I am glad your wife and you are tlaking about that. I think this means she trusts you enough and wants your marriage to work. You can also open up to her about what you want. I think seeing a sex therapist will really help you be happy in your marriage again.
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 395
Experience: I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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